I am terrified to share this right now. It is so heavy to carry and I need to let it out. I have known since I was a child that I was different. I have always had uncontrollable feelings for women. The first time was at my brother's wedding... I was five years old. The bride's mother was stunningly beautiful and was full of energy and life. I had just met her and she pulled me out on the dance floor and danced with me all night. She gave me a light up plastic ice cube. (Part of the wedding décor) After the wedding I felt a strong sense of loss. I talked about her for months and held onto the ice cube for years. Growing up, I always obsessed over teachers, camp counselors, coaches, and many others. I felt so alive in their presence and when they showed me love I felt on top of the world. I never acted inappropriately I just tried my best to get them to love me. At first I thought maybe I had "mommy issues" but as I grew older I realized that these feelings were way to strong. I had never felt that way about boys. I have been in many short term relationships with dudes trying to change sexuality. I hated myself for it. I am very religious and have prayed many times for God to help me to be “normal” and fall head over heals for these nice boys who wanted to give me the world. I so badly wanted to feel what I have felt for women. There was never a time that I can remember that I did not have a female figure in my life who I based my life around and thought about constantly. It hit me the hardest in middle school with my 7th grade teacher. I was in love with her. I tried to find an excuse to talk to her all the time. After the school year was over I was crushed. I cried for weeks and felt like my life would never be that great again. It was a very appropriate student teacher relationship. She filled a void that I have had my whole life. Next was my camp counselor. It was my first time away from home for a week and I was petrified. She walked into the cabin full of energy and love. She hugged and kissed us on the cheek every night before bed. Throughout the week I felt things for her that I had never felt before. I did not care about any of the activities or other kids. I only wanted to be around her. After camp was over I felt that intense pain that had been a constant in my life since I was young. We kept in touch and I talked to her almost every day by text for almost a year. Once again it was a very appropriate relationship. I hated myself even more because I knew I would never be her first priority like she was mine. She was a constant in my life for years until I met my high school teacher who became my person. She helped me so much, and her caring heart and encouraging words helped me through the hardest time of my life. Over the course of three years I lost my dad, 22 year old best friend, and cousin to cancer. I was so depressed and felt so empty inside. She saw me and persisted and changed my life. There have been many other women that have come and go like that and every time it killed me more and more. I have not lost any of them but it got to the point where I felt bad for talking to them all the time and I hated myself so I cut them all out to avoid hurting ever again. I have had crushes on friends off and on and I never knew why. It got to the point where I did not even want to live anymore because no one would ever love me the way that I would love them and for some reason that was all that mattered to me. After 2 years of college and gaining independence I worked to be okay without anyone. There would be the occasional friend or reconnection from the past that would bring me back into that mindset for a minute but I finally felt stable on my own. It wasnt until 6 months ago that I entered the healthiest relationship of my life. I went to counseling and embraced my sexuality and put myself out there. I fell in love with a woman who is in love with me. I have experienced all of the wonderful parts of being in a true relationship... because like I said all of the others have been completely appropriate and platonic. There are some rough patches here and there because she has baggage but we are so good for each other. I still struggle to make it in a world where I am hated for something I cannot control. I scroll through social media or walk down my campus and here people screaming their hate about people like me. It gets really rough at times. Sometimes I want to force it with a guy to avoid this hatred and judgement. I have tried so hard for years with guys but no matter how hard I tried I could never feel a damn thing. This week I thought I was going to lose my significant other after 6 months of absolute Heaven. I found myself falling into my old habits and feeling broken and empty inside. I feel like this is going to be a battle for the rest of my life and I do not know how to come to terms with this. I feel so alone. I am so grateful for the few people in my life who know and accept me... but there are so many that would hate me and disown me. I just want to feel at peace with this, so I am stepping out of my comfort zone and sharing it here.
Coming out: I am terrified to share... - Anxiety and Depre...
Coming out
Dear Rmp77,
I honor you for the courage of your share. You are telling my story except for me it’s the male side and I’m a Gay man.
Let’s put it this way, if someone offered me a pill to go “straight” would I take it? Absolutely not! My sexuality is a gift and I am so grateful for being Gay.
Look, you and I did not “choose” to be attracted to the same sex... we just are. Think of it like this... why are there right or left handed people? They initially did not choose which hand to write with, they just do. And society accepts them for what they are.
As for the homophobic negativity Religion, the Press, and Haters toss in our direction, they are the ones with problems... not you nor me.
So you and I are Gay or Lesbian or do we even have to give it a label?
What I do know is we are gifted for how we were created. Let’s pat ourselves on the back for the feel-goods as youths falling for our camp counselors or teachers or others of the same sex. It’s human, hun. That’s all there is to it.
I’m grateful for who and what I am. I hope that comes to you as well.
All my best,
MZ 🏳️🌈
It means a lot that you took time to share your story and encourage me. I am so glad you have embraced who you are and you have support. That is such a success story and gives me hope. I would love to stay in touch and share our small victories. I do not have a lot of LGBT people in my life and you inspire me.
Takes strength to come out, there will always be small minded people who won't be nice or accepting that is their problem not yours, surround yourself with the ones that do love you
The hate and judgment people have on one another really pisses me off. Who has the right to judge anyone, and does it really matter what they think anyway. A person's hate and judgment only shows their own fear. We have the right to love who ever we want. Don't let anyone take that love from you. My son came out as a teenager and is very happy with his life partner. As his mother I'm so proud of his success and choice for love. Be proud of who you are and never let anyone make you feel different.
Misspell,
Your son is such a lucky man to have such a wonderfully accepting mother. When my Mom was alive she was supportive of my sexuality and she absolutely adored my partner.
I’ll never forget the day I married my hubby. After the ceremony, my Mom came up to me and said, “I’ve been to so many weddings in my lifetime and I’ve never seen love like this before.” Wow. I was totally blown away.
The world needs more people like you and my Mom.
❤️ MZ
Thank you !! There has been so much pain going on in my life I haven't responded, I'm sorry. All love is unconditional, we have to follow our hearts no matter what, who cares what others think. The pain that others give because they don't understand, only shows that they are not open to true love. They don't have a right to judge anyone. I hate that other people's beliefs cause others so much pain. Who are they to judge anyone. Follow your heart, and the hell with the bigoted ignorance of those who suffer to have real love for themselves.💗
You are truly an amazing mom. That is awesome that you were so accepting. This world can be very scary at times and a lot of people in this community feel very alone. He is very lucky to have you in his life!
Thank you!! Don't feel alone. You deserve all the happiness life can give. Who has the right to judge what love is. Follow your heart, be strong and don't let others dictate what your heart should feel. Hold your head up high, and fight for your true love. I love the strength my son has. He knows what he wants, and doesn't care what others think. Be strong and be happy no matter what others say.💓
Sorry too much too read, but got the yest of what you’re saying. You should seek counseling to help you with this. To be Honest it can go Wrong, my niece came out, next thing you know her stuff was on the front porch with a note that she was Not Welcomed. The rest of our family couldn’t have cared less. We Love her for the person that she is. Unfortunately or Fortunately? There was a tragedy in their family with her mom, she had a brain aneurysm and they needed her Help. Her other siblings have autism , they couldn’t help. Being the Wonderful person that she is, put aside how she felt and so did they to help care for her mom. Her mom did suffer some brain damage, but still tries to get her to change??? Somethings will never change. She ignores her. So do it when you’re Ready, don’t let anyone tell you differently. Be prepared to be rejected? You have to live your Life for YOU
I really appreciate that story from your heart and the courage it took for you to be you. I too have similar issues,, and am a closet bi sexual. I was even a Pastor and wouldbe glad to share with you personal experiences and my steps to self acceptance
Congrats on coming out ! I had two friends that wound up gay. One was obvious from grade 3 onwards in a Christian school lol. The other married a man then divorced. I knew she was obsessed with two women & it wasn’t normal. The girl she liked wasn’t gay. I am not gay but I’m 50. What can say about life is just go make friends in the gay community go where you’re accepted and accept others. Spend time with all kinds of people. You’re lonely I understand loneliness. You’re able bodied. Start joining and melding into the gay community make friends you need friends more than a relationship
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