Past coming back up causing depression and anxiety

[Cage77]

Hello, I just joined the group. I suffer from major depression and anxiety and have been working for years on a very positive progressive path. I recently just got out of a year serious relationship and I did not think it would hit me this hard. I was in love with her, this was the first serious relationship after my divorce 4 years ago. We both have been divorced and have traumatic pasts with our exs. After a year she decided that she no longer wanted to be with me, she said I made her feel like crap because I judged constantly. I don't disagree with her, as I was not judging rather I was being defensive, and having a constant defensive tone. I believe a lot to do with anxiety in the relationship. Bottom line is, she is not wrong and made me realize how my anxiety can make other people feel even though I don't mean anything harmful. As painful as this break up is, I do realize I still need to be comfortable with myself and gain confidence back from my insecurities. I suppose it makes me feel that no matter what I will always be battling this disorder and the progress I made feels like it is gone and I have to start over.

Thanks for letting me share!

[Dolphin14]

Cage77

Welcome to the community.

I'm so sorry this has happened. There is a grieving process that goes along with a breakup. Your emotions will be heightened.

Please don't think all your progress has been lost. This is a big life change and it triggers us to automatically take on all the blame.

You sound very self aware of what is happening. This is a sign of progress in your healing journey. It may not feel this way but the ability to see what went wrong gives you the power to continue your work.

Our trauma history will never go away. What does happen is we learn ways to get through things a bit quicker by getting to know ourselves better. Some life events may take longer to process.

Relationships are two way streets. Your partner came into the relationship with her own history. Things can be quite complex

Don't give up on yourself. Continue to push through. Be gentle with yourself and take all the time you need to process,

🐬

[Cage77 in reply to Dolphin14]

Hi Dolphin14,

Thank you so much for the simple words of be gentle with myself. It is amazing how much I can be self aware on my depression and anxiety and continue to beat my self up. There is no doubt I overthink and try to analyze, thinking if I connect my actions, thoughts, and feelings to my physiological symptoms I can make it go away. Point is I think me doing this just makes it worse, instead of letting it be, going through the emotion at that time, letting myself go through it. You have reminded me that it is important to be gentle with myself.and it is ok to feel this way.

Thank you!

[Dolphin14 in reply to Cage77]

You got this

[012703060610]

I feel we are living in parallel. I have been married and divorced....it took some time as it was sudden and out of no where with three very little kids at the time. While I am remarried, things haven't really gone as planned. I have some physical limitations that are like a wall put up in our house on top of me being depressed and having full on trauma episodes occurring. My husband is a very care free loving step dad. I really appreciate the post and what you are saying about realizing how our actions may impact others. I need to do better with my husband or he should leave me. I love him to death but I can't seem to break down this wall growing between us. When I am going through an episode, I know that I probably go right after him for no reason. Not all of the time, but in retrospect, he was trying to help but I couldn't listen. I can get too caught up in my mind....as I know many of us do.

As Dolphin suggests, you seem to know and understand what is going on and I think you are truly on a path for healing. Thank you for reminding me to just try a bit more on the home front. Thank you or sharing.

[Cage77 in reply to 012703060610]

Thank you for sharing, I am sorry what you are going through with physical limitations and depression. I know what you mean when we are blind to what other people in our lives, especially loved ones are doing in trying to help us. I do recall in my relationship that just ended how she wanted to help, such as helping on normal daily stuff and I would refuse her help. Again, I think this is part of my defensive wall. I am afraid to be vulnerable. Funny thing is I was able to show my goofy and funny side to her without fear of judgment from her, yet the serious stuff I feared with her. We talked about marriage a lot and I know both of us were scared of it due to our pasts. Therefore, I think we could not get past this fear. From my side because I was reluctant to truly communicate effectively with her about it, and I think we both fed off each other's anxiety. One thing I realize is even though I did a lot of work on my depression and anxiety after my divorce, I never really gave myself a chance to process it all. I jumped into relationships even though I felt it was a mistake to do so, I still went through with them anyways. I simply ran away from the real process of letting myself grieve and heal. I think that is why this relationship ending is so hard. Because I feel now I have to do this for me, and it kind of feels like having to face the music. In the past I did not handle my emotions well at all. My anger because I was hurt would explode at times. I hated being that person, yelling and screaming at people. No matter what I would feel so low after doing this and I would self loath and best myself up. So much so that I caused self harm to myself. The emotional pain was so intense and I could not make sense of it that I caused physical pain, because at least I could make sense of that. I never want to go back to that place and I fear it. But I know I am stronger now then before in being able to cope with this process. I tell myself to embrace it.

[Cage77]

I just wanted to give an update on how I have been feeling after a day. I feel a lot better, I am so glad that I found this online outreach. Thank you for your support. I have also given my support to other people and their posts and although I am trying to help them through their difficult time doing so also helps me.