My mom

[Mamatired]

My mom never listens to me. She always does what she thinks I need even though I tell her plainly and clearly that it’s not. It gives me so much anxiety. I love that she is always trying to help me when I need it but it doesn’t feel like she listens or supports me in the ways I need. All I really want is for her to listen to me and to hear me. I don’t need her to come over and clean, give advice, buy things, cook, etc. I just want her to come over, sit down, and really listen to me and see me. To spend time with me the way that I do with my little one. That would be worth more to me than anything. She is a pretty anxious high functioning person who cannot sit down and always feels like she needs to be doing something sort of like I was before I started talking to a therapist. It makes me sad because it feels like we don’t have a healthy, close relationship and feels more like the give and take style that I want to shy away from. I’ve mentioned this to her in the past but she doesn’t take it in. There’s been an occasion or two when it clicked in for her and she slowed down and empathized with me and opened up but those moments are rare. Any advice on what to do or ways that I can approach this? I love her to pieces but would like us to have a healthier more meaningful relationship.

[Hidden]

It sounds like she really wants to help but she's too anxious to slow down and learn how to do that.

It might help you relate better to her if you try to remember how hard it is to change behaviors when you're very anxious.

This is not to minimize how you're feeling, I have similar issues with my mom and it helps me to imagine how scared she must be at times.

[Mamatired in reply to Hidden]

That’s true. She has always been in survival mode and hasn’t had the assistance of a therapist to make changes like I have. It must be so tough and I wish that she would find peace and that she can feel grounded.

[Fearoffear]

Try an activity with her. Shopping, walking or dance maybe. Something she can put her focus on but not all consuming. Maybe a puzzle or try adult coloring, put some calming zen music on in the back ground. Use a white light to keep you centered. Just thoughts. Hope you can find a way through to her. Gentle hugs 🤗🤗

[Mamatired in reply to Fearoffear]

Good idea thank you fearoffear, haven’t tried this with her. Maybe she needs to feel “safe” in her space and an activity might calm her mind to ground her.

[DodgeDhanda]

A suggestion if I may Mamatired.

Be listened to in this group, there are many good folk that will have had their own experiences like urs & rather than wait for mommy to realise that cooking & cleaning is short term things that changes nothing or was she conditioned as a child that just get over it & stop being silly. These days medical science & the hard work of specialists that we know it's much more complex & maybe mom doesn't know how to listen as she too old school. I'm assuming u not a child & have ur own place too ? Parenting has changed a lot , when I was a child a good smack was given with no explanation at all but just fear & verbally hearing ur stupid but it's not like that now , it's a naughty step, time out then sit down get them to say sorry & a hug but educating the child is what's happening.

Anyhow as I say post here if you wished to be listened to as we've all been very low in our dark days. This group has helped me learn by reading & finding things useful for me & it's helped me no end .

[Mamatired in reply to DodgeDhanda]

Thank you for sharing your experience and your advice. I appreciate the kind words from HU users on here and I’m happy to hear that you are finding it helpful as well!!!

[DodgeDhanda in reply to Mamatired]

I'm a far more chilled person since I joined the group. That makes me very happy as my stress & anxiety flare up less. Also I only make suggestions as my advice isn't that good , I tried to advice myself years ago & messed that up so now I suggest lol

[Georgie777]

I think I might be quilty of this without realising. My daughter is 34 - she has a daughter aged 8 - and is single. With a very stressful job. When I go round I can't help but try to clean up for her - I only want to help out. I don't want to sit around if the sink is full of dishes etc .I feel guilty then if I just leave it. I know I get on her nerves - and mostly she doesn't want me to go around anymore - so I've stopped going. I really don't know what to do.

[Mamatired in reply to Georgie777]

It sounds really nice that you are trying to help out in your own way! I’m sure she appreciates it but it is challenging. Don’t get me wrong - I appreciate my mum’s support in the ways she likes to show it but sometimes I wish she would just ask the question “what can I do to support you?” Instead of assuming what needs to be done. Dishes, floors, etc can all wait for me sometimes it’s just having someone to vent to or ask that means more because it feels like I’m being respected in my own space. I hope both you and your daughter can find a middle ground for what brings your relationship peace. You sound like you have a good heart and Like you want to be there for her

[Georgie777 in reply to Mamatired]

It was good to hear your side of things tho - makes me realise I may be over stepping the mark without knowing it. That's probs why our relationship is so volatile. I can't seem to do right for wrong😱 We all moan about our mum's - I used to - but I tell you I wish my mum was still here now x

[Midori]

Your mum is trying really hard, but she is having trouble reaching out to you. How about trying to meet on neutral territory, such as a coffee shop?

It sounds like you are very alike, and as your mum, she is trying to help, but doesn't know how best to go about it, and she is trying too hard.

Could you get her to see your therapist, or even see if you could have joint sessions? It might really help if the therapist could see both sides of the issue.

She may also have a problem with admitting that you are an adult with your own child. To us Old Mothers (I'm 73), your children are always children, no matter how old, and some Mums can't make that mental switch to realising you are an adult in your own right, and they overcompensate.

Cheers, Midori

[Mamatired in reply to Midori]

To your last point - I never thought about it that way where she might be having a difficult time switching gears about me not being a child anymore. Maybe she still feels this pressure to take care of me and I’ll have to just tell her that I’m ok and we can have a different relationship now. Not quite sure how to approach it and will have to give it a think but that was quite insightful. I also never thought about having her attend sessions with me. I’m going to bring that up with my therapist to see if that’s a possibility in the future. Thanks @midori!!

[Georgie777 in reply to Midori]

This sums it up pefectly - our child will always be out child in our eyes - and it's our natural instinct to want to help - but they see it as interfering. Pheeew