Trigger If tomorrow is not better - Anxiety and Depre...

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Trigger If tomorrow is not better

Starrlight
Starrlight

Trigger if I don’t feel better soon I’m thinking of what to do to end the pain,... there’s no good answer as I’m stuck thinking of options that don’t make sense. I’m in a nightmare. I feel scared in my body and mind and I have too much pain and I hurt to the point that I can’t be calm only feel fear making my life a scary place and I can’t believe that I am worth anything anymore. I am being thrown into a space of being all alone in obscure hidings where people seem to be against me. I think of my kids and they deserve the best and I can’t take myself away from them. But I want out. I love them so much. But they deserve better than me. I used to think I was an amazing mom. Now I’m falling apart and finding it hard to be there for them. Can I get myself back together? It seems like the end. I have to make things better somehow. But I’m weak. I need help but I can’t go into any crisis center or hospital because my family needs what is left of me. Seems no one will understand and I think if I tell my family I will get blamed and I can’t take anymore rejection. I’m not perfect but I am not even close to worthy either. What do I have to hold onto and how can I make things right when I feel all my strength is used up? I seriously can’t keep going like this. I pray for God’s guidance.

58 Replies
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I relate totally to what you are saying. I know it feels unbearable and I know you want to give up, but you were put here for a purpose and you’re going through this all for a purpose. I know it doesn’t seem like it and it’s almost infuriating to hear that, (I feel that way), but you never get more put on you than you can handle. As a mom myself, I know for a fact that I couldn’t do this without my son. He’s my reason to get up, to move, to interact, to bathe, to work, to clean, to smile, even if it is all minimal. And you said it yourself, your kids need you. Are we perfect moms/wives? Of course not. And I’m not going to give you the whole spiel about no ones perfect. We’re not perfect because we have our own issues. But you know what? Our kids truly don’t care. They love us for us. And it’s is the most genuine pure love. This is not your permanent destination. You have got this. You have to keep going. I tell myself this everyday. Because although you aren’t doing as well as you want to be, your children would be 100 x’s worse without you. Just keep going please.

Look for the little things. The smell of a certain candle. The taste of a certain food or drink. A small laugh. Please know that you are not alone. The world is a better place because you are in it

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to dpc2294

I appreciate you. You are right. I feel so guilty for being selfish and would never want to hurt my kids yet something is pushing me over the edge. I’ll try to gain strength.

dpc2294
dpc2294 in reply to Starrlight

Don’t feel guilty. You’re human and no one truly understands what you’re going through except you. I don’t want you to feel guilty. I just want you to know how much you are loved and realize that you have something great to live for. You will get through this. And don’t feel guilty for seeking out help. I know that you probably “don’t have the time” just like me. But sometimes you just have to do what you need to do you YOU so that you’re helping EVERYONE.

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to dpc2294

Thank you

MrZee
MrZee in reply to Starrlight

dpc2294 said it very well.

My thought is you -can- continue being a fantastic Mom. How about asking one or more of your kids to share a nice walk in the park together? No strings attached... just to enjoy the scenery.

I know how life can be a real pain in the @ss. But with all my struggles it’s the small simple things of enjoyment that help get me through the day. Such as tonight is bubble bath night. I’m going to just sit and soak and relish the pleasant moment. Perhaps you can enjoy simple moments too. 😊

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to MrZee

Thank you

Hugs Starrlight!

I can relate to your words so much.

Thank you for opening up. It’s so brave to talk about pain in such detail.

Try to ease up on yourself. Life and especially Mom life can definitely build and leave you feeling like you want to check out. I think that’s actually a normal way to feel from time to time.

But I’m sorry that you’re unable to find the help and support you may need day to day.

Keep talking about your experience, keep reaching out, & keep being honest about your pain.

You got this girl!! ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨❤️

Thank you

One step at a time, one hour at a time, every hour write down something good, even if it’s making a coffee, smiling at a stranger, my world would not be the same without you, in my prayers darling, always 💗

Thank you

How are you lovely xxx

Rethink going inpatient. It doesnt have to be long term. It works to get you back on your feet. It may not cure everything. But it can recharge your battery and fine tune your meds. It did for me. I dont regret it.

I agree with misslillie

I agree with ruminating and misslily.

You have been struggling a long time.

My opinion is to get the help you need now.

Your family needs you and they need you well. Taking the time to seek proper treatment has the long term benefit.

Your family will be fine while you are seeking the help you need. If you had cancer and needed in patient you would be there in a second and they would figure things out.

I hope you take that step. It's worth it in the long run and will give you back the power you need to keep on living with this illness.

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to Dolphin14

I don’t think I can take that step

Dolphin14
Dolphin14 in reply to Starrlight

I'm sorry to hear that. But you know what is best.

There may be day programs in your area or you can increase your therapy visits.

The very first psychiatrist I saw I ended out firing for his attitude. But, one thing he said to me stuck. He said there is a time to take a stand for your mental health. He said medical health seems to always take priority. He said you are in a situation right now where you need to take a stand.

I feel like that's the reason he was brought into my life. When I have a hard time his words come back to me.

I did take on the fight for my mental health. I've been working it for 5 years. I did do a month long day program and I'm in therapy twice a week.

There a times in our lives we have to realize we need help.

I hope things turn around for you.

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to Dolphin14

🙏 thank you 😊

Hi Star, you and I have been communicating off and On for awhile now. You’re going through a rough time which you have had in the past and you have always pull through. You are an Amazing mom, you’ll pull through again. I’ll pray for you. I’m here for you 🙏🏼

Thank you. Was thinking of you.

Hidden
Hidden

If you have to check in yourself to the hospital or behavioral facility , then I would say do it.

Do it for your kids and family. You know they need you and you need them. So to be away just for awhile is better then to be away for good. Atleast you know you are trying to get better and I'm sure they will help you get better until your ready to return home. This doesnt mean you cant see them everyday offcourse they can come visit you. And you dont have to hide anything talk to your kids and husband and explain to them that mommy is gonna go get help and you wont be far away maybe a week or two and you'll be back home soon. It sounds hard and I'm sorry your going through this. But If you want my advice this is what I'd do. I have little ones myself but I'll do whatever it takes to atleast say I tried . 99% of the time you will get the help needed and get back to life. Sometimes leaving this world to run away from your pain can cause more pain on your family. And if you decide to cheat your way out who knows where you'll be in the next life. So take my advice and stay afloat, and keep living dont let that devil take over your mind and soul. . I will carry my cross wear that thorn on my head and bleed the way jesus did just to know I can spend one more day with my family.. I'm sure if my time comes I will live in peace ..

My prayers go out to you and i want you to keep fighting. I'm fighting right here with you

Dolphin14
Dolphin14 in reply to Hidden

Great words Quich.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Dolphin14

Thank you,

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to Hidden

Thank you. I’m making changes to my new life now.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Starrlight

Great job.....

New life is beaultiful

Please hold on and get help from someone. This is not something you can handle alone xxx

Thanks I have to make a change and I’m the only one who can do that but I will make it.

Oh you poor thing. I'm so sorry.

I was feeling like this up until a few weeks ago, slowly, slowly I got like that after a change in dosage. I was in a very dark place. It turned out the levo brand wasn't agreeing with me.

I say this just incase you're the same....Please check your brand of Levothyroxine, if it's TEVA get it changed straight away. Two weeks after changing my brand I am feeling more myself and the darkness is lifting.

Well done for reaching out. Keep pushing. Go to A and E if you feel your gp won't see you. Call 111, see out of hours. You need someone to take you seriously. There will be someone who will help you if you keep pushing.

Sending you love. X

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to BeckieC

Thank you

Hidden
Hidden

Don't give up. Your kids needs you. This nightmare will end. Nothing lasts forever. Don't think that you kids deserve somebody better, because you are their Mom and you are the best they can have. Nobody will love your kids like the way you love them.

Nobody's perfect in this world. So don't think less of yourself. I know you are a fighter. For your kids you will fight this battle. :)

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to Hidden

True I will

I want to tell you,, yes there is hope. I was in a similiar situation just two years ago. I couldnt sleep,I was dry heaving, having anxiety attacks and my mind was constantly seeking to end my life rather than to end it. I had still have noone that undersrands me. I suffer everyday, my body wants it to end but my heart wanrs to live. So Ive had to do some deep internal thinking and even some rewiring. I now need strength and motivation and an avenue to use my.pain in a positive light. So Im here for you and anyone else to listen to you with unbias, no judgment only love and guidance from much painful experience. Reach out to me anyrime for deep investment and listening from the heart. You are ro special to feel this way and deserve to live your life. I AM HERE.

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to DJB74

Thank you soooo!

DJB74
DJB74 in reply to Starrlight

Thank you to for your deep heart and inspiring words to us all

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to DJB74

You think so? I feel guilt about my tainted words like I’m not right and my words come out wrong and imprison me. I feel I can get stronger though, healthier... Praying. Thanks for your encouragement DJB74

I meant every word 100 percent. I see your words as eloquent, heart formed, hugs. Thank you for shining your light into our darkness

Whether you realize it or not, you have been an inspiration for many of us posting on this sight. We have read your struggles, your love for your family, especially your children, we have felt your pain and delighted in your ability to overcome. You are truly worthy!!! I am so sorry for your pain and pray that you will find viable relief. You are loved by many and you have been sharing your gifts with all of us. We are here for you!!! Cry, scream, visualize, meditate, write it out, whatever you need to find comfort and let us help lift you up!!

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to Puzzled57

Thank you. That means so much.

I’m in a dark place and not doing well climbing out.

Puzzled57
Puzzled57 in reply to Starrlight

Baby steps. It’s a process you know that. You’ve got this!!!!!(((((hugs)))))

Hi Starlight,

I have been feeling similar. My contamination OCD is making my family pull away from me and

I had a crying breakdown yesterday. I am going to up my therapy / CBT appts and pray to God I can dig myself out of this hole. This is the worse I’ve ever been and feel

So out of control.

Thank you for your honesty and for voicing what so many of us keep inside.

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to TicToc11

Best to you. I hear you. Keep trying. I will too.

I’m a mom too and I love my boo so much! We moms gotta hang in there and keep the faith!

Xo

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to TicToc11

Definitely TicToc let’s keep in touch.

Hi Starlight.

Please hang in there. Pick any suggestion here that might work for you ; they are all heartfelt and good ones. I am not sure what I can say that is any different except you have helped me (and many of us). I am so glad you got so many responses. For me, this site means you are part of it. It would not be the same without you. I am rooting for you to pull thru this. I am counting on you to be here for me too ! Much ❤️.

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to Poodie

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to Poodie

How are you today, Poodie? I’m really struggling still.

I am sorry. What is the worse thing you can identify that is making you so depressed right now ?

I have a feeling of fear that grips me once in a while. Today it’s here off and on and I’m trying to ignore it.

Poodie
Poodie in reply to Starrlight

I am doing o k . Do you have any plans for today? What are you doing ?

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to Poodie

I’m also feeling sick so I’m mostly resting, that and taking care of my kids.

Hey Star .. I didn’t read it all because im pretty low atm so didn’t want to be triggered . But I want to know how are you today? 💕 lots of love xx

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to Hope4321

Hope I’m sorry you are low and it’s amazing of you to be checking on me when you are. I so appreciate you. I am working through fear and making changes slowly, really focused on self care right now because I’m so weak. If you can share I’d be glad to listen to what is going on with you too. Blessings to you ❤️

Hi star. You said you were sick . Are you feeling any better tonight? Rest and lots of fluids. ❤️

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to Poodie

🥰 thank you Poodie. I still feel sick, but am getting rest and lots of water.

I keep overthinking and feeling like things are huge when without anxiety they might be much easier... Having trouble sleeping...

What you say is true, your kids do need you no matter how you feel. If you need to go to the hospital it would be for your health, not to be judged. I did this 3 years ago and I’m glad I did. I was scared too. I felt similarly to you. If you need to you need to. I will pray.

Liti

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to Ddorne

Thank you. 🙏 😊

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