It’s really bothering me. They’re not straight. I can’t even do this right. I’m so tired of trying meds and wasting days because I can’t deal with the side effects. Logically, I know how I am now is better than the throes of last year. But psychologically, I’m just so burnt out and frustrated and I don’t want to do this anymore.
I don’t want to die. But I also don’t want to live. I want to end everything, but every time I try, I wuss out because it hurts and I don’t want to fail at this to have permanent damage. It’s like my brain is firing conflicting ideas everywhere randomly.
I remember last year when I just wanted one day. One day of relief. Because I didn’t think things could ever get better. And it was already abysmal at that point.
And I got that one day.
I didn’t get depression free, but I got relative improvement from being terribly suicidally depressed for basically the entire year to less terribly suicidal. And that’s what I wanted.
I got what I wanted. So why am I like this? I feel like I’m a greedy person who is ungrateful to everything people have done for me. I’m just never going to be satisfied. And I know these bad bouts will pass, but sometimes I think, so I want it to pass? Why don’t I just let nature take its course? Do I want to live the rest of my life in between bad periods of depression and suicidality?
I don’t know. I’m a coward. And a contradiction.
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pandaeyes1
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Please don't cut any more. Remember you will have to carry these scars for life and you might do irreparable damage. We had a member here who cut too much and so weakened the tissue that during a cutting session session the flesh on her arm all opened up and she had to go to the hospital.
Look online for alternates and YouTube and see your doctor ASAP.
I was doing okay for a while for almost two weeks. It’s usually not like this. Before, it would only really happen during winter months when my mood gets really bad. Last year was just a whole year of really bad feels and lots of continued cutting. I’m starting to slow down and hopefully will return to how it was before if not better. I just don’t have alternative coping skills.
No you don't deserve it. If you had a physical illness would you deserve that too? You didn't ask to feel like this as anxiety and depression are illnesses in the same way except one is mental and the other is physical. How is it your fault?
I have lung disease caused by smoking. Ok that is my fault but I didn't know the risks and dangers involved at the time, and many smokers are fine, so I am unlucky too. But you can't change the past and I am certainly not punishing myself for it like you are by disfiguring myself. What's the point in punishing myself even further? Or you yourself?
I’ve been there, I can relate ! I don’t think I know the answers but I did over time make an effort to accept life just sucks sometimes and some days it’s more obvious than others. I find coping mechanisms that comfort me but deep down I know I’ll never feel healed from the depression. That reality hits hard in moments I don’t see coming. If everyone was honest I think most people feel some sense of disappointment about life being tough emotionally.
Some people are good actors and great at disillusioning themselves to not think about it or let it show to the people around them. I’m not one of those people. I can’t either immerse myself in tv, a hobby or some collecting obsess to take my mind off things. It’s like I’m stuck seeing it for what it is, and I know it’s not gonna change. So my only comfort is to try to accept the reality and adjust my attitude just enough to not let it bog me down. It’s a daily struggle and when in doubt I put a YouTube video of puppies on or listen to some music til I can refocus myself. But sometimes I have to just work through it.
You’re not alone and you are very brave for being so honest about how you feel! Remember you’re amazing and wonderful too ... we all have talents and unique gifts that we share with the world around us. So despite the depression you have some purpose to keep pushing forward just try to remind yourself of that on the tough days! I have been in some dark moments and if I can find my way out of them to smile and be happy about even something insignificant.... I know you can find a way to live fully with the depression shadow following close behind you.
Thank you for the response. It’s so tough trying to stay hopeful and being your own cheerleader. I wonder at times if it’s even worth it, especially over the last several months where the anhedonia just stubbornly won’t go away. But I’m also kind of scared of dying in the sense of fear of the unknown. It doesn’t make much sense.
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I don’t want to be a mom anymore 
lost
Here I go again !!!
Heartbroken 
Not enough
