Trigger warning- abuse/childhood abuse - Anxiety and Depre...

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Trigger warning- abuse/childhood abuse

Hope4321
Hope4321

I don’t know if I’ve ever said this.. but I am a ‘survivor’ (barely) of child abuse .

I feel like ever since I told people about it (about 10 yrs ago) I’m being pushed out of the family slowly but surely.

I feel like the abuser gets treated so much better than me. Certain family members have ‘disowned’ me but the abuser is fine, chilling living a great life, popular as ever and it drives me mad 😢. My family never told the police... I was scared into not telling teachers and doctors... it’s my biggest regret. I relied on my family to support me and get me justice but they didn’t. Now I’m being treated like a criminal and I don’t understand why. I feel so sad and left out . Every party etc I’m not even aware of because (I’m guessing ) it’s awkward for me to be there ...

I give up . I wish we can move away to another city . This is wearing me out every single day.

You know family members talk to me about the abuser like nothing happened e.g/ “omggg today ? Dropped the milk it was soooo funnny “

I be sat there thinking... “don’t you remember? Am I on the right f******* planet here?”

Everyone gets mad at me for getting upset about the abusers whole family....

I feel like I’m losing my mind 😢 wth is going on?

If similar things happen to others... e.g this #me2 movement... they’ll be disgusted about it and be so happy they get caught etc.....

which honestly I don’t understand 😢 am I in some parallel universe?!

This is why I think I am quite an irritable person... I think I’m always angry inside and it will never leave. Therapy etc won’t help because I will never get justice!

Why do I still crave for these people to love me , care about me , invite me ?

Because I’m weak that’s why! And I hate myself for this!

Ps sorry for any grammatical errors I’m absolutely fuming and crying 🤷🏻‍♀️

59 Replies
oldestnewest

It is not weakness to want your family to care about you, it is only natural. However you have experienced trauma so you need to think about setting healthy boundaries with these people. Prioritize yourself and your well being. If there are some people you would be better off having no contact with that is perfectly ok. If there are certain members you think would be trustworthy you can try to have a separate relationship with them. With those individuals it is ok to lay down the law and say "I do not ever want to hear about this person, please do not ever discuss them with me. If you do I will have to end our conversation." You cannot control how the entire family dynamic unfolds, but you can choose how much you participate. If you end contact with anyone it is their loss, not yours. I hope you have wonderful friends who can make up a new & better family for you.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Eowyn7

Set boundaries and if they can’t respect to keep that person out of your conversations they’re not worth keeping around would trying saying more but the person above^^^ covered it well

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to Hidden

Yeah you’re right but I’m finding it so so difficult to set boundaries. I talk myself into being strong and speaking up but when they treat me like this I do nothing... I don’t speak up ... I’m just in shock

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Hope4321

You don't have to do it all at once. Try it little by little. Maybe if they start talking about the person you can shift the topic,but if they insist on talking about said person then you can go ahead and walk away.

if they have the guts to talk about that person in front of you even with all that knowledge then you have all the right to walk away from that conversation.

Setting boundaries doesn't always have to be a chopping block of family members. Sometimes you just need to let them know that you do not feel safe and respected already, and you're not having any of it.

Good luck, my friend 🤗

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to Hidden

That seems a little more easier to do... thanks for that advice x

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to Eowyn7

It’s how I feel Eowyn I feel like a weak person begging for love... 😢

You’re right. I have cut some completely off but the ones I haven’t cut off are still on great terms with my abuser.... Do I need to be really strong and cut them off too?

I have the most wonderful husband and I have one amazing best friend who has cried with me through all of this x 😔 x

At times like this every reply on here really means a lot to me so thankyou 💕

Eowyn7
Eowyn7 in reply to Hope4321

I'm sorry you are feeling weak. It will pass, I promise. You are strong, you are talking about it here with us. And only you can answer the question of which people are good to keep in your life. I think if they care about you, they will listen to you about not discussing the person.

Also I'm so glad to hear you have two great people who support you!! That is awesome.

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to Eowyn7

Thank you , hopefully you’re right and It will pass because I’ve felt this weakness and the feeling of being ashamed of myself for years x

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to Hope4321

Whenever you feel that familiar ashamed feeling you could (this is what I try to do) right away say I AM Courageous or I AM STRONG.

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to Starrlight

Okay I will try that now 😔 x thanks

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to Hope4321

Oh Hope are you okay? I will say a prayer for you.

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to Hope4321

There’s no right way you should feel, whatever you do feel is the right feeling.

That's absolutely terrible that your family didn't protect you like they should have. I hate that for you! Its also awful that they still protect him and your the outcast. I can't even imagine.

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to aaronm

Thank you Aaron 😢 it means everything to me to hear that ... it shows me I’m not the one that’s wrong 😢 your reply means a lot to me while I’m losing the will to live

aaronm
aaronm in reply to Hope4321

Your are definitely not wrong to feel the way you feel but I beg you to find a way to set appropriate boundaries and emotional safeguards to protect yourself. One way that comes to mind to do that is through therapy.

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to aaronm

Yeah I guess this is the year I work on this issue and make it better for ME.

Last year was to get back out there studying and doing things and I accomplished that !

This year I need to deal with the root don’t you think?

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to aaronm

That so crazy, right? That people could act so backwards, Reading what’s happening to you is just has me shaking my head in disbelief. It is absolutely not your fault, what I mean is they shouldn’t be treating you this way. sweet you. ❤️

Sorry if I worded it stupidly. Hope I didn’t offend you.

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to Starrlight

No not at all x

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to Starrlight

💕 sorry I didn’t see this Star x thank you for your words x

Hidden
Hidden

Have you considered taking it to police? I don't know if there's a time contingency or something, but you said your family wouldn't... maybe you could? That's awful that they act like nothing happened and are hurting YOU in the process. I'm so sorry, Hope. I hope that things turn around for you.

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to Hidden

I don’t know... how will I prove it 😢 it’s been ten years since it stopped

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Hope4321

I do not know. I wish I did and could tell you an answer. If you call and see if there's anything you can do, maybe the station can walk you through it??? I truly wish you the best of luck and peace.

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to Hidden

I’m not sure I’m strong enough for that ☹️ they’d all think I’m attention seeking starting it all up again

Hidden
Hidden

I love you. I can’t read the post right now, because I’m on edge too, but I love you & I am here for you. I’m a survivor too. 💖

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to Hidden

Aww 😔 that’s so sweet that you were still able to reply to me ... you’re such an amazing friend 💕 I love you x I’m sorry you’re a survivor too x wish we lived closer and could get each other through all this pain xx

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Hope4321

Me too. I’m here for you & I know what you’re going through. I’m sending you so many healing vibes & peaceful rest tonight. Lots of hugs. Xoxoxo

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to Hidden

I really do hope you’re able to rest today my lovely you seriously need it xx I wish for you love, health, smiles and peace 💕 hugs 💕 x

Oh, Hope. What a terrible thing to have happen to you. I was sexually abused by a grandfather as a child. When it finally came out, it was actually my youngest sister that had the guts to tell someone. My parents had recently died and we were living with my dad's sister (daughter to the grandfather). We were told that if we told anyone that he would go to jail and that he would die there. That of course the family doesn't want that to happen. We were also warned that if we told a teacher or therapist, while still a minor, that they would be required to tell. It really is twisted thinking, isn't it? They think that they can protect us by watching the abuser carefully, but had no thought for justice. Now that I'm older and I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, I tell myself that they were protecting us from courtroom drama and trauma.

Your situation is harder. At least my family always remembered and we were more important in people's lives than my grandfather. He has since died.

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to socalpoppy

Im so sorry that you’re also a survivor 😔

Yeah honestly I think mine was just to protect the family from looking bad or anything like that... like literally protecting the abuser ...

Hidden
Hidden

Im sorry this has happened to you. A friend of mine experienced the same. She didn't grow up with her immediate family and when she moved back she experienced some sort of abuse from her brother. When she did tell her parents, they told her not to tell anyone else because it would be "embarassing" for the family. So for most of her life she was living in the same house and everyone was just hush about it.

I understand why you feel it isn't fair, because in many ways it really isn't. Maybe it's not that the family is shunning you and taking the side of the abuser but they want to move past it and can't understand why you can't.

I don't really know what to say to you except you are not weak for wanting justice. As you said, this is what the MeToo movement is all about. It shows that you are not alone, and hopefully one day your family will understand exactly why its not just a matter of letting go, and that you're not asking them to shun the abuser, but at the very least to acknowledge that you were harmed within the family and that it truly affected you.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I hope that talking about it helped you release some of the hurt you're feeling even just a bit.

P. S. You're not losing your mind 🤗

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to Hidden

Thank you for your words 😢

You are not weak, you are the strong one. You are not crazy, you are the sane one. You are the truth teller. They are the liars. Your family sounds very toxic and overly invested in keeping the peace at all costs, even if that means harming you. That is very sick. Even so, we all need our family. We need their love and their acceptance. That need doesn't go away even when we are abused. I don't know what the statute of limitations is, but are you able to report it? I hope you get some peace. Perhaps you cannot get well until you are away from the sick family system you grew up in.

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to AZ1970

Thank you so much... deep down I’ve always know. They’re toxic but I’m never able to completely cut off and that’s my weakness 😔

Hidden
Hidden

I also come from an abusive situation by my mother and my father I have found that family never want to believe it, abuses seem to be treated well in life cause they are often very charismatic come across as nice kind and seem to have it together, the person who was abused comes across quite different as have been driven half crazy from all the injustice it is so unfair but seems to be the way it is, you need a support net work and some counseling if u can get it, you need your confidence restored, stand strong there are so many people out there in your situation i was in care and there where lots of them in their also, very frustrating when you are not believed but most who have been abused will do connect with like minded people if you can, so you know you are not alone, take care one day you will get to move on

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to Hidden

Im so sorry for your situation x

Yeah they always seem to be the popular ones

And I suppose the abused (in my case) is moody, angry, randomly being passive aggressive, etc just not liked

It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this big scary world

You're not weak and pardon my language but your family members are a bunch of jerks, i know blood is thicker than water but in this case you should turn your back on these people are not worth it

I can’t do it anymore 😢

I’m just lashing out on everyone

I’ll end up alone

I'm sorry that you feel this way, love. There is no reason to be hard on yourself for anything that's happened. You deserve better. If your family can't see that, find better people who will support you and love you. Sometimes it is worth it to divorce yourself from the people who hurt you. None of what has happened is your fault. None of the pain is your fault, and you don't deserve to be dragged through it because people you "should" be able to trust don't deserve it and prove their lack of care or concern.

Please find a professional therapist to help you through this. You are welcome here, but you need all the support you can get.

Thank you ☹️ I think I do need professional help as now I am lashing out on everyone and being quite passive aggressive even towards people that are so lovely 😢 I’ll end up pushing everyone away

You have a lot of ignorance around you. And that in of itself is probably the most frustrating thing. Not only do they not believe you, they dont want to hear you and it's so friggin ignorant!! It's maddening! And I understand your anger!

Ive given this advice before and I will give this to you. PLEASE tell someone you trust. Just one person who is an adult and is emotionally healthy, not your family.

And once u tell that person, tell them everything.

You have to get all of this stuff off of your chest. It will change your life for the better. The sooner the better.

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to Sunnidayz1

I have told some good people who have cried with me and been angry for me but honestly It helps for a bit but then that fire starts up again 😔 think I might just have to get professional help

Sunnidayz1
Sunnidayz1 in reply to Hope4321

Well, that's good first step- to get it all out and cry. That's what you need to do. And the second step is to get help that u need. Absolutely. You said it.

Good luck to you.

And remember u r never alone.

You probably could find a support group near you too for individuals who have suffered the same.

XxSunni

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to Sunnidayz1

Thank you x it’s nice not to feel so alone when Im on here but when I log off I’m alone again

Sunnidayz1
Sunnidayz1 in reply to Hope4321

I understand. Take the support in your heart from this site and keep it in your heart to give you the strength to find support in the outside world. There are resources out there. You just gotta have the courage and strength to go out there & get it. You can do it!!!!!!💗

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to Sunnidayz1

Thanks

First, I am truly sorry for what happened to you. I am also part of the #me2 movement, so I can relate to some of what you are feeling. Second, it can be difficult when family aren't supportive. And that doesn't make you weak, it means family is valuable to you. Standing up for ourselves, especially after abuse, is hard. It can cost other relationships because they may not believe it happened or understand how it can affect someone. Justice may never happen, and often doesn't for many. We have to learn to move past that, which counseling can help with. In the meantime, we are here to listen, to offer encouragement, and support you. Prayers for peace.

Hope4321
Hope4321 in reply to pam4him

I’m sorry that you are also part of it 😔

Thank you for your supportive words and advice x

I too was abused during my childhood years. I was raped by my own father from 5-11 years of age. I became Anorexic at 14 to control my world. I have just recently recovered from 40 years of that mental illness. I will recover daily. I had repressed every memory of my childhood for 50 years. I just begin to recall any of it 3 years ago. I do still continue my mental help from professionals. I have been on a small dose of ZOLOFT FOR 6 YEARS NOW. I A BIG TALKER. IT IS GREAT MEDICATION. No matter was has happened to us in the past. We can not change the past. We live for now. I went to my father's grave 4 years ago and forgave him for making me mentally ill. I did not even know at that time that he had raped me. I knew my illness had something to do with him. I now recall everything about my past. I am a survivor and doing well. We do not need to let those abusers win. We pick up the broken pieces and put them back together the best we can and live for you. That forgiveness at that grave was for me. It set me free. Forgiving and forgetting are different. We forgive to free us. The memories will remain forever. We process them and then release each one. Those who do not understand our abuse. They probably have never walked in our shoes. Who are they to judge? Live for you and no one else. These are words from my doctor's own mouth. BE HAPPY AND DO THE BEST WE CAN. SURVIVORS, WE NOW ARE AND NOT VICTIMS. LOVE YOU AND BE STRONG. A REAL SOLDIER AND DO NOT LET THE PAST KEEP US IN BONDAGE. I HAD BEEN THERE FOR 50 YEARS. I AM NOW FREE AND VERY HAPPY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE. WE ONCE WERE IN PRISON DUE TO OUR PAST. WE HAVE BEEN SET FREE AND NEVER TO RETURN.

My gosh you’re such a strong strong person and you give me hope ! I’m so extremely sorry for your pain and past x you words show me the light and I’m sorry I didn’t see them before because i got a lot of responses and I had to check out for a little while ☹️ x stay strong 💪 we got this x

THANK YOU. WE CAN SUPPORT AND LIFT ONE ANOTHER UP. WE ARE SURVIVORS AND I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL.

You are not weak because you cannot "forgive," or lie the memories away. We are made to feel all the abuse was deserved and that we are trouble makers for refusing.....or being unable.... to forget.

For me, I have found it better to interact with people outside of the family.

Look inward work on loving yourself. let the past go you cant change it, so its pointless going over it again and again.. you can only change yourself, try hay house online for progs to help you. and use every day, work on yourself its the only way. Ray

You are NOT weak!!!!! You are surrounded by weak people that are afraid of the truth. If it is at all possible you should distance yourself from these people. I hope you don’t have to see your abuser!!! I would let the local police know what he did to you when you were a child. Those monsters don’t suddenly change. They have everyone around them working for them. Get all the help you need to reinstall the confidence that none of this was your fault. No one protected you when they should have. Now is the time for you to take your power back and set YOUR boundaries that cannot be crossed!!! By anyone!!! Hold fast my friend, you can do it! You've survived the fire, rise up and fly out of the ashes!

Hi Hope,

How my heart breaks 💔 for you honey and all you endured and are enduring now. I too suffered sexual abuse from my father, my half brother and many uncle's. My mother knew but refused to do anything about it. Then I married at the age of 15, was abused by my husband and his father and brothers! But if I brought it up I was blamed for their raping me bcuz I was accused of causing it. I'm 59yrs old and for so many years I found myself still being controlled by the ones who sexually assaulted me and I knew my anger, rage and hatred wasn't hurting them, it was destroying me. And I sought out the One who could actually help me, before I destroyed myself and I was freed after so many long years self destruction. I'm not preaching to you sweetheart, but God gave me the power and strength to be free and that came about when I finally forgave those who done what they did to me. And now that I've forgiven my abusers they'll never have any control over my life again. I'm not saying that it's going to happen in an instant, but through prayer and trust in God I no longer suffer from what almost completely destroyed me in the first place. I still have anxiety, and depression, along with OCD and chronic pain, but by the Grace of the Lord I find every day to be a blessing. I will be keeping you in my prayers and thoughts. I want you to know that I believe in you and will be praying for you to remain strong and that you will give God the chance to help you heal. You can talk to me anytime. And I hope I haven't offended you in anyway, shape or form.

That was never my intention.

I was assaulted by my step father when I was in my twenties. I was drunk one night when I got home and he came into bed with me. I feel like I can feel exactly how I felt that day, and it was almost 10 years ago. I never told my family because I knew they wouldn’t believe me. My mom always called me an alcoholic and she had an abusive relationship with me. I never felt good enough for her. I went to school in a scarf one day because I had nail marks in my neck from her. I hope I don’t trigger anyone. It is so hard to find people to talk to that actually want to listen and help instead of listen and judge.

Agora1
Agora1 in reply to sbielski

sbielski, hopefully you will never find that here. This site is nonjudgmental. We all

wear scars of some sort both emotionally and physically. I'm sorry you are carrying

around that pain for all these years. Let this be your safe place to come to when needing

to talk. We care :) xx

sbielski
sbielski in reply to Agora1

I cannot thank you enough just for saying that. I go to therapy, but I felt like I really needed to talk to people who would understand. Especially when I lack that in my life.

Agora1
Agora1 in reply to sbielski

We're only a message away :) xx

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