I may seem okay on the outside. I talk to other mothers. I play with my kids and read with them, kiss them and care for them, take them to school and to have fun out into nature...i let them in on secrets I have learned to help them in life...I go running and skateboarding twice a day. I do all the things I need to do but I don’t drive far anymore and it’s a problem. And then comes more problems...
No one knows it’s so hard for me to be around people. I’m making anxiety too large. By focusing on it but it is so there in my face how can I not?! Too much power over me. It’s hard to tell that I am deeply depressed and scared and anxious on the inside. And wish to be dead. I feel guilt for that and try too hard to cover it up. Half my hair has fallen out. I feel older than I should I think. I used to like the way I look. My personality I think is shot. I’m just not myself whoever that is I don’t know anymore. I really am trying not to loose myself. It’s like some invisible spirit is stealing life from me. So I draw, sometimes to tame it but it takes a lot of effort to make myself do it.
My heart beats fast just thinking of much that bothers me that I may never share of. I wish it would stop beating soon. I have so much I need to do still but don’t have the nerves and strength for it all without it taking a toll on my health...I need a break but can’t get one away from my mind. My mind is not remembering well at all. I can’t concentrate.
And maybe I am doing this. To myself. I don’t know how my family sees me. I care what they think and know they love me but do they see me for the scared depressed person; I wonder can they see through my attempts to cover it up? I can’t see things straight. I need to be stronger. I pray to be stronger. I need God and signs that it’s going to be okay. I need that badly. i don’t know how I will keep going but I have to. Im so tired. Of. This. Life.