I may seem okay on the outside. I talk to other mothers. I play with my kids and read with them, kiss them and care for them, take them to school and to have fun out into nature...i let them in on secrets I have learned to help them in life...I go running and skateboarding twice a day. I do all the things I need to do but I don’t drive far anymore and it’s a problem. And then comes more problems...
No one knows it’s so hard for me to be around people. I’m making anxiety too large. By focusing on it but it is so there in my face how can I not?! Too much power over me. It’s hard to tell that I am deeply depressed and scared and anxious on the inside. And wish to be dead. I feel guilt for that and try too hard to cover it up. Half my hair has fallen out. I feel older than I should I think. I used to like the way I look. My personality I think is shot. I’m just not myself whoever that is I don’t know anymore. I really am trying not to loose myself. It’s like some invisible spirit is stealing life from me. So I draw, sometimes to tame it but it takes a lot of effort to make myself do it.
My heart beats fast just thinking of much that bothers me that I may never share of. I wish it would stop beating soon. I have so much I need to do still but don’t have the nerves and strength for it all without it taking a toll on my health...I need a break but can’t get one away from my mind. My mind is not remembering well at all. I can’t concentrate.
And maybe I am doing this. To myself. I don’t know how my family sees me. I care what they think and know they love me but do they see me for the scared depressed person; I wonder can they see through my attempts to cover it up? I can’t see things straight. I need to be stronger. I pray to be stronger. I need God and signs that it’s going to be okay. I need that badly. i don’t know how I will keep going but I have to. Im so tired. Of. This. Life.
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Starrlight
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22 Replies
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Starlight 🤗
How you feel Resonates with me, so much.
It’s the exhaustion too it doesn’t help.
I’m not sure what support you are receiving from gp or other relevant sources. Do reach out and take whatever help you can get because things can improve. We can manage things better with support.
My heart goes out to you it’s truly difficult keeping up with it all.
Yes understand. Therapy for me tomorrow and I don’t wanna go. 😞 sometimes just feel too bad to go, sounds crazy but it’s true...it sends me mor depressed at times.
Yeah i hear ya! I don’t have the energy nor care to try to make an appointment worth going to, it seems pointless. Sounds negative but truth. Yes it’s good to reach out here but I think I should spend less time not think of my issues so much maybe.
I’m pleased, because you deserve to feel at ease about being here amongst us. Those that understand how absolutely horrific we can feel, and still be out there struggling and putting on the mask , it’s bloody tiring...and because we look ok doesn’t mean we are ok...
I wish I could hug and tell you everything will be okay. I know what it feels like to put on a face and try to do normal things. I care and I want you to know there are so much I want to say but I can't put it into words. Just know you are not alone and I care about you even if I haven't met you yet.
Hi Starr, I hope getting everything out has made you feel somewhat better?
I feel you, wishing I could feel Human again. I pray every day, lately ive been asking God to take me. I don't feel that I'm doing any good to anyone here? That I'm just suffering, I don't think God wants this for Me?
Maybe God has something for me to do? My kids make me feel like I'm in the way, that I'm just here to pay the bills, housekeeper n baby sitter. I just suck it up, because I feel I could have done a better job as a mom? One is Born with a learning disability, so her chances at a decent life are not Good.
I have to watch what I say cause they think it's my anxiety speaking? Then when I don't speak they ask what's WRONG???
What helps me somewhat is that I think this could be my last day living? We're not promised tomorrow. Life can change in a fast Second. The Only break I get is when I'm on my night time meds that help me Sleep. I'm tired of this pain in my stomach from my anxiety. They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle? How does that Work? I want to start going to church, maybe it will comfort me?
I don't care what family and friends thinks, so I don't tell them anything cause they just want me to get over it.
I just Hate the feeling of looking over my shoulder worring about something going Wrong? So I hope you feel better Starr
That is such a sad way to feel about your family. I understand though, maybe not all of it but I know people just want you to feel better and they seem annoyed that you are not. They act like you choose to feel this way. I am not exactly religious person but I believe praying sometimes helps. To be honest coming here to write helps me. It gives me somewhere who listens and write thing that makes you feel that I am not alone. Please believe that you matter and you are cared about. people on here makes me care about them more than other people in my life. I really want to read more about you and maybe we can help each other find a light and feel better even if it's only for couple seconds.
Thanks for taking the time to write, I've told them treating me this way doesn't help. They do seem like it's an annoyance to them? Well next year Im looking to move on my own so we can All live in peace. I thought I raised them to have empathy for others? Their good kids but are some what Spoiled, I take responsibility for that.
I do that too, say to myself what if this is the last day I have to go on for, and it feels doable then until I stop believing it. I know in the Muslim faith at least say that God won’t give you more than you can handle but I say it happens when people break, because it’s too much...I hope you try church yes maybe it will comfort you. Yeah tired of feeling somethings always going wrong. I’m sorry you feel that you are in the way among your family. We are loved and very important. Hugs to you.
Thank you Starr, but when your family tells you they don't want to be around you, yes you would think that you're in the way, words Hurt. Hugs back... Thanks for your support
Your right, I feel trapped here, so next year I'm looking for another place to live. I think their frustrated with my anxiety. The feeling is mutual. And I guess it's my fault because I have been feeling guilty for the way things are.
I really need to change my life perspective, move onto focus on something that will take emphasis off of the pain and things that are causing pain. Muslims are fasting starting tomorrow. Maybe I will fast and pray more often.
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