Feel Like I'm Going Crazy *Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault/rape*

[mvillarreal]

Hi, everyone. My OCD is off the wall right now. I think part of it is that I just got back from a trip to Kenya (which was really fun, by the way!), and the jet lag is getting to me. Nevertheless, I can't stop these thoughts. As I've mentioned in a few other posts, I've been struggling with questions about forgiveness and its value as an ethic. While obsessing about this, other thoughts have come up like: what if I do something to hurt someone, and they can't forgive me? In the past, I've thought that if someone can't forgive you after a sincere apology and reparation of the wrong, that's a reflection on them, not me. Now, however, that I'm questioning that, I'm wondering, if I really do something that really doesn't deserve another's forgiveness, how do I deserve to forgive myself? It just seems inconsistent. Then, I've been thinking about whether I have done anything to anyone that I should apologize for. Last night, I literally got online and almost bought some apology cards just in case I ever screw someone over. Then, I started questioning my character and had thoughts like, am I really a good person? I'm introverted, so could that mean I'm a covert narcissist? Well, if I'm asking that, then that means I'm probably not one, right? But am I just telling myself that to convince myself I'm better than everyone else? I've also had this terrifying fear that I will sexually assault someone. What if I have a lapse in character and touch someone inappropriately or even rape them?! How could I live with myself, knowing I had hurt someone and violated them so deeply? What if they couldn't forgive me after that, and I couldn't forgive myself? What if I scarred someone so deeply they ended their own life? Then, I worry that, in a moment of anger or a lapse in character, even if I don't sexually assault someone, I'll say something hurtful or hateful that they can't forgive. I feel like this is becoming a phobia for me (fear of not being forgiven), and I can't get over the thought that I'll hurt someone so deeply, they will never be able to forgive me. The scariest part about that wouldn't be that they can't forgive me but that I won't DESERVE to be forgiven and will have to live with that truth. The thought of committing some unforgivable sin has been terrifying me lately, and I can't get the thought off my mind. I feel like I'm totally losing it! I place a high value on forgiveness, but the thought that I'm wrong has been messing with my head.

[Mimiqt]

The hardest person to forgive is always ourselves. You’re right. However, try not to beat yourself over something that hasn’t happened yet. For the one that has happened, find a way to confront them one by one. We all need a closure of some sort. Thinking about it means we are simply not having it yet.

This is a note to myself as well.

[sororitygirl828]

Everyone deserves forgiveness, no matter how severe the wrongdoing was. By holding that negativity inside, we place so much anxiety and stress upon ourselves leading to overthinking and a heavy heart. I am sorry I don't have a better response as I am not an expert on this topic! Just know that everyone is deserving of forgiveness and to not be too hard upon yourself. Remember to forgive yourself as well.

[Depresseddoglover]

You sound exactly like me 20 years ago - I had constant intrusive thoughts about sexual assault. They were so distressing that I wanted to end my own life before I could accidentally hurt someone else. The trick is to not identify with these thoughts and not to engage them at all. Recognize them, acknowledge them but do not try to analyze them or push them

away. It is an impossible battle. Trying to wrestle with the ethics and morality of these thoughts is futile and exhausting. They do not reflect poorly on your character. They are merely a symptom of a very real illness. I was much better equipped to handle these once I started taking antidepressants. Feel free to reach out to me if you'd like. I've had anxiety, depression and very bad OCD since childhood as well. My OCD has been in remission for many years now.

[mvillarreal in reply to Depresseddoglover]

Yeah. The hard thing about it is, I know I very likely won't ever sexually assault someone, but it still terrifies me to know that it still could happen if I make a selfish choice. I kind of wish I didn't have the free will to do something so horrible because then I wouldn't have to worry that I will make that choice. I also feel like there might be something legitimate about the thought of doing something so bad, someone can't forgive me. We all say or do hurtful things sometimes, and if I ever did that much damage, I don't know how I could live with knowing that someone hates me and that they hate me by my fault. It's one thing if someone hates me because I stood up for what was right and other people couldn't appreciate that or something or if someone just found me annoying or something petty like that-but being rightly resented forever because of a legitimate act of hurt I committed is a terrifying thought for me. I know some people can just say, "If someone can't forgive me, I just have to accept that and move on," but my instinct feels like that's inconsistent. If you don't deserve someone else's forgiveness, how could you deserve your own? Ugh! I think too much.

[Afrohair]

Wow !where do all these thoughts come from it’s like you convince yourself your a certain character then convince yourself your not that person .where did these thoughts stem from I ask?there must have been a trigger for you to think this way maybe you could get some closure somewhere it’s a bit like a phobia infant no this is a phobia !these thoughts were triggered somewhere to tackle it you must go back to where it started and face that fear

[mvillarreal in reply to Afrohair]

Phobia infant?

[Afrohair in reply to mvillarreal]

*infact

[Braveheartman]

Thank you for sharing this. That is a great first step. Getting those thoughts out in a safe environment!!!

I’ve found a ton of refuge and healing from these overwhelming thoughts through meditation. There is an awesome app called calm. There is a free version but If you can afford it buy the full version. It’s all about living in the present! These ocd thoughts are always about the past or future. Mindfulness and meditation help retrain the mind to live in the moment. These thoughts still hit me every once in a while but I recognize them breath through them and let them pass like a cloud in the sky or water in a stream; without allowing them to consume me. Good luck and praying for you!