Forgiveness and things to think about

[mizzou7016]

Dear Friend,

Over the years, I’ve received many heartfelt questions from people grappling with the challenging and transformative practices of forgiveness, reconciliation, and redemption. This is some of our deepest spiritual work as human beings, and so I want to take a moment to share some of the most common questions I hear, along with my reflections.

I hope these answers offer some clarity and guidance on your journey.

1. How can I forgive someone when the pain they caused is still so present?

Forgiveness doesn’t mean erasing the hurt or pretending it didn’t happen. It’s not about condoning the actions that caused the pain. Forgiveness is a way of caring for yourself, finally letting go and freeing your heart from the burden of the pain it carries from the past.. It is an act of kindness and courage to face our wounds and to say, “I will no longer let this suffering control my life.” Using the practices of forgiveness today, in the present,, we can find a freedom of heart and joy we have been hoping for.

Letting go liberates us, it comes with the recognition that, “Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.” When we let go of resentment, we create space for our own healing, space for love, and for joy to reenter our lives—even if some of the pain is still present. It’s a process of releasing the tight grip we hold on the past, while honoring the emotions that arise.

2. Does forgiving someone mean I have to let them back into my life?

No, forgiveness does not mean you are obligated to reconcile externally or resume a toxic relationship. Forgiveness is an internal process – about finding peace within yourself, not necessarily about re-engaging with someone who has harmed you.

There are times when keeping boundaries is the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself. Forgiveness allows you to stop carrying the emotional weight of resentment, but it doesn’t require you to reopen doors that may not be safe or healthy for you.

3. What if I can’t forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made?

Self-forgiveness is often the hardest, yet it is essential for our healing. We all make mistakes. The process of self-forgiveness begins by acknowledging the pain we have caused, taking responsibility for it, and then offering ourselves the same compassion we would extend to a dear friend.

“When we forgive ourselves, we free our hearts from the burden of guilt and regret, allowing us to live with more kindness and understanding.” It’s important to remember that self-forgiveness does not mean ignoring our actions, but rather learning from them, setting a new kinder intention and moving forward with a wiser heart.

4. How do I know when I’m ready to forgive?

Forgiveness cannot be rushed. It’s a process that unfolds in its own time. Often, we are not fully ready to forgive until we have allowed ourselves to feel the depth of the hurt and to process the emotions that come with it—anger, sadness, fear.

You’ll know you are ready to forgive when you feel a softening in your heart, when the desire to release the pain outweighs the need to hold on to it. Be patient with yourself in this process. There is no timeline for forgiveness, only the gentle unfolding of your readiness.

5. What is redemption, and how is it different from forgiveness?

Redemption is about reclaiming the goodness and wholeness within ourselves or others after we have strayed from our best selves. It’s a process of healing and transformation that allows us to make amends, to repair the harm we’ve done, and to reconnect with our highest selves.

While forgiveness is the act of letting go of anger and resentment, redemption is the process of growth that follows it. It’s about learning from our mistakes and choosing to live with integrity, compassion, and love.

6. How do I approach reconciliation after a conflict?

Reconciliation is a delicate process, one that begins with forgiveness but also requires deep communication, honesty, and mutual understanding. Both parties must be willing to engage in a process of healing, to listen deeply, and to acknowledge the hurt caused.

Reconciliation doesn’t always mean that things will go back to the way they were, but it does create the possibility for a new relationship, one built on trust, understanding, and mutual respect. Sometimes, reconciliation means agreeing to move forward separately but with peace in your hearts.

These are just a few of the many questions I receive about forgiveness, redemption, and reconciliation. They are challenging practices, but they also hold the power to transform our lives in profound ways.

If these reflections resonate with you, and you’re ready to explore these practices more deeply, I invite you to join me in my upcoming course, Opening the Heart of Forgiveness: A Journey of Reconciliation, Redemption, and Renewal, starting on October 21st. This course is a gentle but powerful exploration of how forgiveness can free your heart, heal relationships, and bring you inner peace.

With metta,

Jack Kornfield

Forgiveness is a profound gift. Please join me and explore this powerful practice more deeply, I’d love to see you in the course and take this journey together.

[Vonus5591]

In my heart I have not let go of possibilities of life that had my parents been kinder I would have and son would have. Really deep inside I am not ready to forgive although I do everything for them

I know I victim but now should Gods forgive and so should I

God loves all including bad parents

[mizzou7016 in reply to Vonus5591]

We've had this talk before.....forgiveness is about you....and your healing...but don't ever forget....I've forgiven my abusers....but i will never forget what they've done to me and how it made me feel.

[Vonus5591 in reply to mizzou7016]

thanks again x for my son's sake I will try

He deserves better

[mizzou7016]

and quite honestly my friend.....so do you....can't change the past....but we can learn from it...and keep moving forward

[Vonus5591 in reply to mizzou7016]

your the best and you made me see x for son's sake x I will try to think my sake x

[Downinil]

I saved that post, mizzou. It’s a long process but if we truly want to set ourselves free we can work through it. Thank you again.

[Alpakka123]

My abuser said I'm damned and punished. Makes it hard to forgive myself with statements like those...

[mizzou7016 in reply to Alpakka123]

again...i say forgiveness is for you....i wonder why you would need to forgive yourself for something that someone else did to you...it's not your fault....you didn't ask to be abused...

[Alpakka123 in reply to mizzou7016]

It's a very long and complicated story. You're very right; I did not ask for what I got. Thank you for your post🙏🏻

[Sugaree]

I like what you wrote. Forgiveness comes when you’re ready. It’s a goal to achieve. I forgave my abusers and you are right there was a softening of heart. I was 56 when I forgave them. I held onto the bitterness and shame of my past way too long. Thanks for the post.

[mizzou7016 in reply to Sugaree]

Again... I can and have forgiven my abusers...but i will never forget who they are and what they did

[Sugaree in reply to mizzou7016]

Neither will I

[quietmaroon4]

Thank you for sharing these kind words of advice. Positioning forgiveness and redemption as interrelated, rather than detached, was eye-opening. Considering redemption as an act which follows forgiveness can provide one a sense of direction. Because, aside from fear, I think some of us eschew forgiveness seeing it as aimless pursuit, "I forgave. Now what?" But knowing that redemption (& possibly reconciliation) can be practiced thereafter, you're inclined to continue the growth process. I don't know if that makes any sense. I guess the point I'm trying to express is that, your answer reminded me that forgiveness is a fluid ongoing process -- that you don't just stop there, but you keep going.

[fauxartist]

Sometimes, Forgiveness Is Overrated

Extending an olive branch can be healthy, but experts say it isn’t something people should feel pressured to do.

“Do I need to forgive to make more progress in my recovery?”

According to Amanda Gregory, a trauma therapist. She is one of several therapists, writers and scholars questioning the conventional wisdom that it’s always better to forgive. In the process, they are redefining forgiveness, while also erasing the pressure to do it.

Forgiveness with Trauma Therapist

According to Amanda Ann Gregory, a licensed trauma psychotherapist with extensive experience in complex trauma recovery, forgiveness is not universally necessary for recovery. Instead, it’s an elective process that allows individuals to progress in their recovery on their own terms.

The Importance of Agency

Gregory emphasizes the importance of agency in trauma recovery, stating that survivors should have the power to choose whether or not to forgive their offenders. This approach acknowledges that forgiveness may be helpful for some, but it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution.

The Dangers of Required Forgiveness

Forcing or pressuring trauma survivors to forgive can be harmful and even sabotage their recovery. This toxic positivity and moralism can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and invalidation, ultimately hindering the healing process.

A Trauma-Informed Approach

Gregory’s work emphasizes a trauma-informed approach, recognizing that survivors should not be pressured to forgive if it’s not a natural or comfortable process for them. Instead, they should be supported in their recovery journey, allowing them to work through their traumatic experiences at their own pace.

In Conclusion

Based on Amanda Ann Gregory’s expertise, it’s clear that forgiveness is not a requirement for trauma recovery. Survivors should be empowered to make their own choices about forgiveness, and clinicians should adopt a trauma-informed approach that prioritizes agency and autonomy. Ultimately, recovery is possible without forgiveness, and it’s essential to prioritize the individual’s well-being and comfort throughout the process.

[Shnookie in reply to fauxartist]

I totally agree with this.

[gettingsomewhere in reply to fauxartist]

Hi this is a great article and thank you for posting this.

Theories change over time and we don't need to get hung up on trying to fit ourselves into a box...which in years to come maybe modified or scrapped.

[fauxartist in reply to gettingsomewhere]

I think Abrahamic theology has often influenced even the professional community on how they view forgiveness. And it was refreshing to me to read this article, and another about acceptance.... not forgiveness...because as my good friend Shnookie says...'some things are unforgivable'.... Some of those who molested me as a child, were, ... instead of being family members who should have been my protectors, were in fact the monsters we were told didn't exist as kids.

[gettingsomewhere in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you, as you say refreshing read, also helps to put these concepts into context.They are after all just ideas and some will help and others won't.

[fauxartist in reply to gettingsomewhere]

Agreed, we all have to use what ever tools work for us...

[Shnookie]

With all due respect, some things are unforgivable. As some of you might know, I am the daughter, niece and granddaughter of Jewish Holocaust survivors. After all of the emotional pain and suffering that my relatives went thru and my granny Dora had terrible survivor’s guilt. I could never forgive those Nazis and Polish collaborators who inflicted such trauma upon my relatives. I have PTSD from watching my granny weep uncontrollably about why she could not save her family from being slaughtered by the Nazis for many years. I don’t focus on this all of the time thank God. I will not expend energy forgiving those evil people.

[fauxartist in reply to Shnookie]

We don't have to forgive that kind of evil....and unfortunately... the country is ripe for a repeat of that kind of dictatorship that brought on the mentality to allow this atrocity of depravity and horror that the Nazi's perpetrated. We would hope history does not repeat itself....that is exactly why we need to never forget... and be mindful that if you sit back and watch and let this happen again... you are equally as responsible. Humanity is at stake, and more compassion in this world is needed.

[Mark1499]

I spent a day and a half in a coma. When I came home I was so brain fried I couldn’t even operate the phone or the TV . We thought I was mentally gone. My son was the only one that asked the same question I did. When is he going to get back to normal? It took a few days but I finally came back. I also had a 12 year old rescue named Sophie who had not been in the bed with me for 5 years because of her hips. When I went to bed that night she was laying there. I don’t know how she got up there but she was there. She stopped sleeping with me about 5 years ago. She had bad hips. I don’t even know how she got up there but she was there. I had her cremated and her ashes are in a box beside my bed, I will miss her terribly. God used this to bring me closer to him. I was so scared I was convinced I was going to hell, I’ve never been so scared in my life but I’m closer to the lord Jesus Christ than ever!