Would I ever be okay?

[Starlove]

I am exhausted in comparing myself to others. I constantly think I do not deserve to live or exist in this world. I do not want to die, but do not think I deserve to live either. I have written here many times about my past mistakes and the reality is that I do not think I deserve to be ever forgiven. I constantly pray for forgiveness because I really did not mean to hurt anyone. I just see them moving forward with so much love and support. Me? I get looked down on what I did in my past. Does not matter every "good" (whatever that means) I did or how much I loved without judgment or limits. That one thing I did wrong is the thing that they remember. And they are right. I am a shit human. I am worth nothing. I am writing this with shame because it is like a "poor me" type of narrative and it disgusts me. I just needed to let this out.

[lillyofthevalley37]

Seems to me you are living in a social structure that is very unforgiving , don't let these people dictate your worth , get close to God if you are good with him it doesn't matter what they think

[Starlove in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

I just think I am a horrible person because I feel in love when I should not have. I tried to amend things and they went the wrong way and that "friend" did not give me any reason to let them know that I was not being fake and that I did care about them. Sorry rambling... Thank you for those words

[Hidden]

Hey there. I dont like what is going on in ur mind. First bcz u are absolutely wrong. U are important, worthy and deserving to live. Anything other than that is a lie. If u can tell me of one person who is without sin on earth, I will say you deserve to die and unworthy and useless. Unfortunately u know that is not true. What i want u to know is that u are more important in life like everyone and equally deserve what they have. The people who made u feel like that are happy with the way u feel about urself. I wonder what is it that you think u dont deserve to be forgiven. One thing I know is that the only person who will judge is the one who created the world and maybe u don't know His Word. The only sin that is not forgiven by Him is the one that is committed on purpose. He doesn't look at what you did but what you did on purpose, meaning you did it knowingly He is against it. Seemingly what you did was not on purpose bcz u seriously do feel guilty about it. So, forgive urself and don't do it again and move on. You are a human like everyone and I bet those who are making u feel bad have done worse than you. So, please move on bcz what I told you are the facts. I am not a person who is persuaded by opinions but a fact I can't deny and only that convinces me. I hope this is helpful.

[Starlove in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for those words. I just feel that I cannot forget this person and they are living their life and like, how does someone who says they loved you hurt you? Then involve another person who I thought we were friends and this person calls me fake? Now they are together and happy and I just do not know where I went wrong or why I was fake.

[Hidden in reply to Starlove]

She did not love you, Ur right person will come when u least expecting. Let them be and wish them good but move on and just focus on urself in the meantime and then u will find the right person at the right time. I know that hurts to the T but u need to be strong.

[pink318]

Hi- I’m sorry you are going through this. I want to encourage you to please be gentle on yourself. You mentioned that you constantly pray for forgiveness, believe that God already forgave you. Forgive yourself and try to move forward.

I hope you feel better soon. Keep sharing, we are here for you. I hope you will be comforted here. You can also write down your feelings in your journal, it’s like talking to a friend.

Praying for you that God will surround you with His peace and comfort. I hope to hear from you again. God bless.

[Starlove in reply to pink318]

Trying to maintain the high ground. I just feel defeated somehow.

[Hidden]

You are not alone. I read your words and they were an echo of the thoughts that have been in my head for months. I spent most of last night sobbing because I wanted to be dead. I didn't actually want to die but like you said it just seems like it would be better. I have made mistakes too. I am not sure what yours was but believe me mine was probably worse. I have hurt the one that I loved. And I sit here and stew in my misery and I suffer while the one I loved is undoubtedly moving on. I can't speak to your circumstances or why the mistake happened but I can tell you one thing. Intentions matter. I can say I am not a monster for what I have done because I know what my intentions where. I didn't mean to cause harm it just happened. But I also understand how debilitating it is when you look at yourself and all you can see is that monster. I struggle with this every day. I ask myself over and over if I understood more than I though. If I could have done things differently. I ask myself on repeat if I even made up stories in my head to justify my actions so that I can look better. It's a horrible nightmare we exist in. I don't know how to fix it as I am currently unable to move on and get out as well. All I can say is you are not horrible because if I am not then you definitely can't be. As for everything else take things one day at a time. Try to be there for yourself, because at the end of the day ourselves is all we got. If you can get people in your life try to get positive ones who will be willing to hear you and to see you as the person you are not the mistake you made. The last thing I will say is that this mistake does not define you as a person. Is it part of your story? Yes. But it doesn't define who are and who you choose to be. You are not alone friend.

[Starlove]

Thank you so much for this. I love this group for this support.

[Yass_123]

Hi noone on the earth is perfect and no one should think they r if someone really changes for the better should give them a chance god forgives people will always have something to say why bother wh they think u r worth living prove them wrong enjoy your life why waste it worrying wh others think keep safe take care