Going crazy *trigger

[Choccymilk0807]

So I know this is just for depression and anxiety mostly but I also have bipolar disorder which my doctor won’t officially diagnose or give me meds for. The meds he gives me make my mania worse. I feel like I don’t understand my life or have any control over it.I think about killing myself often, I try to think of how it would effect other people but the truth is sometimes I don’t care. You know, if I don’t have to live with this pain why do I care if it gets placed on someone else? But that’s terrible because I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I hooked up with a guy the other day (the only time I’ve ever hooked up or even been with a guy) and I feel like such a slut now. I just wanted some attention from someone and he was giving it to me, so I took it. But it just made me feel worse. I’m so lonely and empty inside and I don’t feel like I deserve anyone or anything. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone so I thought it might help to put it on here.

[Star990]

Hey you’re not alone. I can’t ever imagine what you’re going through or how this bipolar disorder works but in some way we both want attention. I’ve thought about harming myself so bad to finally seek the attention that I needed. It plays in my head all day on how I plan to do it but somehow I can’t. I think it’s because I’m afraid of death. I don’t know. All I’m saying is that if you wanna talk about anything I’m here

[Choccymilk0807 in reply to Star990]

Thank you it is just nice to hear from someone who doesn’t judge and understands.

[thatjuanguy]

It can be rough with those thought swimming in your head but you gotta rise above and push forward because it can get better but not if you stop trying. And there is nothing wrong with hooking up with 10 20 or 30 people if it’s what you want to do so hooking up with one definitely does not make you a slut. And you may be a little lonely and empty inside we all are sometimes but you are deserving of every piece of happiness from wherever you can find it we all deserve to be happy some of us just gotta work harder to get it but that just makes it even more worth it.

[Choccymilk0807 in reply to thatjuanguy]

Thank you so much, this is what I needed to hear today.

[thatjuanguy in reply to Choccymilk0807]

More than happy to help if you ever want to talk feel free to send a message I’m always up for a good conversation 😊

[fauxartist]

look.... the days of being a slut for hooking up because your a women are over. Guys aren't sluts cause they hook up...yeah...it's not your norm and your not in a good state emotionally, it's a temporary fix to a long term problem. But more importantly the problem is your doctor. Go to a different doctor...get properly diagnosed, and if these pills are making you feel suicidal....it happens..then go to a clinic and get off them and get on the right ones once you have been professionally diagnosed. This is not your fault, you have nothing to feel guilty for, or shamed, or blame, or anything...it's a disease. No different than being treated for heart disease or something. Forget about the social stigma and all that crap...this is your life. And Yes, a bad decision made when your in a bad place emotionally can have a ripple effect on everyone for years after we are gone...and yes...many survivors do regret trying....feeling suicidal also means your desperate for a dramatic change in the way your feeling right now...which is despair and a feeling of not knowing what to do. Suicide is a very final and serious thing....and not what most deep down really want....we just want a change in the way things are right now....

Your going to have to be your own advocate, be strong....take charge....make this choice to live better....find answers and don't stop till you do. This is a great website for a lot of resources and information that may help you. Your not alone here..we understand.:

theswordmovie.com/resources/

[Choccymilk0807 in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you, I just grew up with a weird moral code personally of love and relationships and sex and just felt bad mostly because I feel like I let people down and let go of my morals and ethics. It is nice to have his great support system!

[fauxartist in reply to Choccymilk0807]

guilt, shame, regret, remorse... all negatives that just burden those of us who already carry enough weight with mental illness and trauma in our lives. Throw it out in the bin where it belongs...there is no room in our lives to battle any additional stigma. Good morals to me are someone who knows how to be a kind person, and knows that it's not necessary to hurt someone for no reason....ethics is the same. If you want to be a good person in this life....give freely what you have been given....show love and kindness when you see another suffering....be true to yourself and learn to love yourself, because to love others, first you have to love you...

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

Oh so very true!!!

[Hidden in reply to Choccymilk0807]

Please listen to faux...they always nail it & have your back!!!

[fauxartist]

Don't beat yourself up on that though.... the reality is... only you are the one judging yourself, and you don't have to. I was just reading an article about the damage some of this moral code stuff does when someone wants to just love and be loved. I can't see where any loving God would care really...love is love...and there is too little of it.

You were looking for compassion and someone to be close with in a very hard time in your life when you just needed to feel something other than pain. Just let it be that and leave the rest. You have enough to deal with.

[Choccymilk0807 in reply to fauxartist]

I hadn’t thought about it that way before. Great second perspective, thank you!

[fauxartist in reply to Choccymilk0807]

what resources have you tried to get some other help....this doc is not a good one if they are so dismissive....did you tell them how your meds are effecting you?

[Choccymilk0807 in reply to fauxartist]

No not yet, but I have an appointment tomorrow. I’m pretty sure he won’t have a problem trying to figure out something else for me, he is a good doctor. I just didn’t know how to breach the subject of my being bipolar with him because I haven’t told anyone I have that diagnosis except everyone on here. I’m ashamed to say that I’m afraid of the stigma and judgement surrounding it.

[Hidden in reply to Choccymilk0807]

Oh do not be ashamed...he is there to help you & is not doing it for free. I wish for you peace of mind!!1 Love & Hugs!!!

[fauxartist]

a regular GP should refer you to a therapist or psychiatrist for this any ways....it's so important to get it right from the standpoint of setting up proper treatment and the right meds. Please don't take on any shame...this is not our fault, and society is stupid sometimes. We are normal here because we all have something...so your not alone with this...no judgement, no stigma, ....good luck tomorrow, and just be as honest and open as you can, remember,... that is their job to help you...they are there for you.

[Choccymilk0807 in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you so much for all the responses!! If you ever need to talk I am here as well and better at giving advice and support to other than to myself lol. That’s how it works I guess

[fauxartist in reply to Choccymilk0807]

thank you, your very kind....have a great day and good luck tomorrow....

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

Nailed it again!! XXX

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

you too pal....your a good egg....heart of gold

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

I love you!!!!!! The fungus among us!!!

[Hidden]

Hey stop being so hard on yourself. Now is the time for you to be gentle & kind to you. Let it go , who cares that you made a mistake. First you must forgive yourself & then move forward. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm here for you. Do something special just for you today! Love & Hugs!!!

[Choccymilk0807 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the kind words. It is so much easier to be kind to others than to yourself, and that is probably something we all need to work on here. Sending you love and hugs as well!!

[Hidden in reply to Choccymilk0807]

You have to love yourself, remember there is only 1 you, that makes you very special. Fight the good fight for you. Yes place yourself first! Love & Hugs!!!

[Crackerjack4u]

Hello. I'm so sorry you are going through all this, please know you are not alone. Fauxartist, as well as, the others on here have given you some really excellent advice, and suggestions, all which will be great places for you to start.

When medications that you are taking causes you to feel suicidal, angry, or whatever, you should always notify your doctor immediately, and let him know so he can titrate you off the medication. It is not advisable to ever just abruptly stop any medication on our own, and should only be stopped or decreased at the rate that your doctor suggests because abruptly stopping it can often cause the already bad side effects to become even worse.

Remember that Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, those temporary problems can often be easily reversed with the appropriate medical care, proper medications, learning to love yourself, a good support system, someone to talk to who understands, and knowing that this life has a purpose and plan for you, even if you don't know just yet what it is, but life's plan is not to go through it suffering emotionally, physically, or alone.

A far as the hook-up, you have nothing to be ashamed of, and you are Not a slut because you did it, nor will you be a Slut if it were to happen again. You are in a weakened/vulnerable state right now, and mistakes will be made along the way. The only suggestions I have for you on this is if you decide to hook-up again, be careful and know who you are hooking up with for your own safety. If it is someone you don't know, or don't know very well never allow yourself to be put in a position, or to be taken to a location that you can't easily find the door, and get out, if needed. Also always remember to use protection like condoms, Every time, to protect yourself from not only pregnancy, but also STD's because you have enough problems going on in your life right now without adding more on top of them.

Just remember you are Not alone, and you have a entire forum site of people here to talk to if you need to talk. Best of Luck to you hun!!!

[fauxartist in reply to Crackerjack4u]

excellent advice...spot on

[Crackerjack4u in reply to fauxartist]

Thanks

[Choccymilk0807 in reply to Crackerjack4u]

This is some really great advice! It is just nice to finally get all of this off of my chest and to k or that I am not being judged. This site is really such a great resource for support.

[Crackerjack4u in reply to Choccymilk0807]

Thanks hun. I'm so glad being here is helping you because that's why we are all here is to offer our support, and to be supported when we ourselves need a friend to talk to, or a soft shoulder to cry on.

Usually it is such a huge relief to verbalize your fears, and be able to tell somebody "Your Story," it often makes all the difference in the world. It lets you know that you're not fighting your battle alone, nor will you ever be judged for being human. All any of us can do is learn from our mistakes, and try to not repeat them again, but if we do it's not the end of the world, we'll just have to chalk up our repeat oopsies to us being a slow learner lol. Have A wonderful night hun.

[Choccymilk0807 in reply to Crackerjack4u]

Thank you, that’s true we are all just human.

[gerrerd]

Watch wayne Dyer on you tube !

[Choccymilk0807 in reply to gerrerd]

Thanks will do!