Please don't think this...
I don't want people thinking that I am forcing forgiveness down their throat....I understand that there are some things that cant and shouldn't be forgiven...but in my heart I feel that for everything that we can't forgive a person for there are 2-3 things that we can....it's up to each individual
The post you're talking about helped me. My abuse story is extremely complicated and not at all black and white. The lines became blurred at one point about who was abusing who since i wasn't perfect either.I commented on something my abuser said that makes it hard for me to forgive myself, right? Well, your response helped me to see that forgiveness from others and forgiveness from self are two different things. Yes, it hurt that she said that. It hurt like hell. But does what she says matter? Is it fact? (This is one of my distorted beliefs, btw). Logically I can saw that no, it isn't fact. I'm not damned and I shouldn't be punished. (The "funny" thing here is that, by saying that, she had just admitted to (and justified) abusing me. She's not very bright...).
Don't know if I'm making any sense. Just wanted to say that you're helping!
yes...what you are saying makes perfect sense...what I struggle with with discussions like this is that I unintentionally, and unknowingly cause triggers for people...I feel bad when I do it but I'm not doing it intentionally...
It's interesting you say this because it was suggested that I majorly triggered this person, not by what I wrote to her, but by what happened a week before (which was NOT my fault in any way shape or form; all I did was wake up to her controlling ways and express own opinion). That expression of my own opinion was her trigger, and is what started the punishments. I reacted extremely strongly to her first one, which triggered her even more, and on it went. Every punishment I got came too close after putting a self-respecting boundary in place to not see what was happening (her inability to tolerate her subject of control thinking for themselves/deviating from her control).
Whenever I have a meltdown that includes asking my husband if I pushed her away/if this was my fault (which she made it), he tells me no and that she pushed herself away. Makes me feel better in the moment to hear that, but eventually my brain always goes back to it's my fault and I'm an awful person.
and that is where your thinking is flawed....I struggle with this all of the time. Definitely an issue right now for me..but of course for me.....work is one neverending trigger after another...and again feel lost most of the time
Yes, you're right about that. This is why I'm going to start addressing these distortions. Because they are truly devastating ones that cause lots of suffering. The thing is I'm not quite sure where they're coming from. But I guess it doesn't matter where they come from (or does it?).
doesn't necessarily matter where they come from....matters more about what you're going to do about them...Hypervigilance and Catastrophising are my 2 worst...
That's what I thought. Thanks for this.
it's been my experience...that the longer you are in the enviornment...the harder the struggle is. I know that my work enviornment for the last 26+ years has been a major contributing factor to my distorted views of the world...when you are surrounded by so much negativity...(violence, drug use, etc)...you can't help but have unrealistic thinking,...
Yes.
Oh, that's interesting. It makes sense, though. Thank you.
Thanks for reminding me. They are always present for me, and an awful struggle to manage.
Is she making life difficult still? Does your pastor know she is continuing? Please let him know. It's inexcusable now she has been told to stop.
Cheers, Midori
Yes and no. She's ignoring me which should be good but hurts like nothing else. I've been told that yes, she is still continuing. But not with me. Which again should be good but....The head of church leadership knows and is keeping an eye on her. The pastor is as well.
She's a bad person. And I still care about her. What is wrong with me??? I want her to care about me like she used to One of my distorted beliefs is that her no longer caring means I'm a bad person. Another one is her not forgiving me means I don't deserve forgiveness.
Getting worked up. Gotta go. I don't feel good. I want my mom.
trust me when I say this......that is not a you thing....that is a her thing...very much relate to this....empaths have no boundaries when it comes to caring about someone else...
definition of empath:a person who has a particular tendency or ability to enter into or psychologically identify with the emotions, thoughts, or attitudes of others:
I needed these words, so thank you.Oh, is that what an empath is?? It's nice to know that there's a word for this and that I'm not "crazy". Because I've been getting very annoyed with myself. I haven't been understand why it's so hard for me to just cut her loose.
Knowing this helps, so thank you.
She did strike at a really vulnerable time for me. I thought maybe that was why. I lost my mom, she enters the picture and becomes my mom, my real mom was such a loving and caring mom who tolerated when I developed my own thoughts and opinions, this substitute mom punished me for developing my own thoughts and opinions, and the result is to be knocked for a loop.
It's child development. When a child is really little they are 💯 dependent on their parents. The parents tell them who they are and what they think about things, and the child doesn't fight back. Then the child begins to develop their own sense of self with their own opinions and voices. My real mom didn't stop this development. This substitute mom did. Confusion was the result.
as much as we want to....we can't just shut off that switch...and it's not you being "crazy"....it's you being human....
Thanks for your words.
It's a bit "funny" because, by thinking she does no wrong, she denies her humanness. Humans do wrong. That's why we are human.
This reminds me what my pastor said when I reported the "damned and punished" statement. She said "if that was true, then we'd all be damned and punished".
that's funny too because that's one of the main things i've been trying to teach the inmates/offenders that I've dealt with over the years is accountability...without self accountability....a person has no integrity....I've caught a lot of people off guard....especially at work by saying 2 simple words...I'm sorry....I'm not afraid to say that I didn't handle the situation in the best way and that I'm sorry....that's how i've garnered most of the respect I've gotten..the best thing I've learned is to walk away and recompose myself before I deal with anything...that way i can gather my thoughts....in the for what it's worth department I am very glad that you were asked to do this...and even prouder of the fact that you said yes....whether you realize it or not....it's one of many steps in your growth/healing process
Can you repeat please; asked to do and said yes to what?
the pastor asking you to read in a service....and you sayng yes that you would do it....
Oh yes. You're right. Thank you! The pastor does not like this woman. That alone speaks volumes. From what I've heard, not many do. She's driven so many away (including her family).
here is another thing that you need to think about.....we're both empathetic introverts.......how does that mesh
Introvert: a person who prefers calm environments, limits social engagement, or embraces a greater than average preference for solitude.
Thanks for this one too.
I read your earlier post mizzou. I have issues forgiving the monstrous wrongs done me, but I didn't for one instant think you were giving me marching orders.
Offering ideas to each other for how to heal is always hit and miss. I'm so sorry if someone told you you were out of line. You weren't.
Sometimes I'm triggered by someone accidentally saying or doing something that brings back horrors. I always know those horrors are in me. I can tell the difference between someone abusing me and touching a sore spot by mistake.
Actually, that is one of my triggers. The person who abused me, saying "you're too sensitive" while they went after me deliberately. No! I am just the right amount of sensitive! Should only cheap violins be made? A Stradivarius demands the right environment, respect... Does that make them damaged????
When folk are in a highly emotional state, it can be hard Not to trigger them, I've triggered a few of them myself, accidentally, and I always apologise immediately it is brought to my attention.
A few haven't forgiven me, and went on to leave, but I think on the whole I come out on the Credit side of the scale.
Forgiveness means that you forgive yourself too! Scales rock both ways.
Cheers, Midori
You are very clear and indeed are making sense. Abusers don't use a very original playbook, do they? I've lived just what you describe.
It's definitely a double edged sword for me...i have personal issues...but work makes me bury my personal darkness..my abusers are family members....so that makes it even harder to deal with
I get you. Being able to do that successfully at work requires a great deal of inner strength. Here's a virtual pat on the back, and a "Go you!"
It's easier for family members to abuse us. They know where we're vulnerable.
Hi dear,Thank you for saying so. I'm sorry to hear that you went through this as well. An aspect of this has been who did the greater wrong. I'm learning that that's not the point. Yes, we both did wrong. I don't know if I hurt her with my words. I didn't mean to. The words I wrote to her say otherwise, but there's so much psychology involved it's crazy. I regressed in age when mom died. My reaction to my abuser's first punishment was some kind of a psychosis. The result of this has been PTSD and being trauma bonded. Lots of firsts here ( age regression, psychosis, PTSD, trauma bonding).
If she had been a true therapist, she would have recognized these terms when she was told these (I told her in a group with others about about all but the trauma bonding). What did she do with this knowledge? She kept having go's at me.
I've since leaned that she's not a good person. She has a history of giving herself qualifications she doesn't have, she has a history of "not being nice" (her words) to others and then not apologizing to them, she has a history of putting fault on others, she has a...
Oh dear, I better stop. Sorry.
that's something I havent heard in a while and have totally forgotten about....trauma bonding...
Self forgiveness 
A little wisdom of importance
