I feel like i'm going insane

[Against_the_current]

Since what happened this morning, my last post, where university declined me again and at the same time stressing over someone i love. I'm having excessive anxiety. I'm sweating feeling like i'm in hell, the next moment i'm freezing. Went to the bathroom, turned on the hot water, it ran out, then i felt too hot, and continued with cold water as If it's nothing. Thought i would calm by now but i didn't. It's 10pm now. Called granma around 7pm, helped a bit like the shower, but still i thought i would feel better and still i was nervious talking and getting reactive. And yet she is the only person i can talk to. Since my friend desided to prioritize herself and not talk to anyone, i'm absolutely alone and the more i stay alone the more i fear socializing. I feel like they're gonna scold me. Be dissapointed by me. I just can't function. And i feel judged for it. Feeling so inadequate. I go from room to room. Sneak out when my roommates aren't here to go to the big room so i don't suffocate in my room. Then they get back and i rush to my room and want to hide and cover in blankets. One moment i need cold air, the next moment i want to cover in blankets in my room. They probably think i'm avoiding them. I just go from a room to room. Cold and hot. Sweating and freezing. Need space, need to cover up. Need to talk, need to hide. Am i losing my mind, or just bored, struggling over today or deep traumas? My parents used to criticise me a lot and that's why now im scared of People, my roommates, my friend. Am i socially deprived? Am i unfunctional? Am i inadequate? I couldn't even get to one stupid internship? How will i survive when my dad don't pay for me? Overthinking. Is my person from this morning still sleeping or is he mad at me? What should i do? I try everything. And i worry my attempt to feel better make me feel worse and pay for it. I don't have enough for this month. And i gave money for Bach remedies and what if i feel worse because of them? And he still isn't texting. And i don't even know how to act. And If this dumb university ruins it... How can they understand im Absolutely disfunctional? I feel Absolutely inadequate. It smells like winter, i got really bad traumas from winter. Why is it so cold so soon? So dark. I will get seasonal depression. And past trauma. Being sick and scolded as little. That's why i fear people so much right now, fear of disapointing them, espessially that im not on myself rn. And maybe still im socially deprived

[Starrlight]

❤️

[Genuineguy]

💙please try not to look too far ahead unless they are positive things. I know its not easy but its important to try focus on getting through this day, only this day 💙

[Against_the_current in reply to Genuineguy]

Really helps to take it one day at a time, thanks 😊

[SoporRose]

Your description of getting hot and cold makes me wonder if you need to see a doctor, if perhaps your hormones or some other system is not functioning properly. If that is so, it could explain, to some extent, your emotional upheavals as well.

I don't think you should try to get teh university to understand that you're absolutely dysfunctional. I suspect the uni will tell you to take time to get better and come back when you feel at least somewhat competent. Talk to some older students; ask them where you can go for support. They might know a professor or administrator who is sympathetic to students like you are fighting against cognitive and emotional distress. One of these older students might even be able to offer you some of the support you need. I doubt any one person will be able to provide all the kinds of assistance you'll need to get through, but start with one person and build from there.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thanks. That's smart. I'm currently really bad socially but finding someone from the masters' class is really a good idea

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

Social energy is SO hard to muster when we're depressed. I wish your college were better at providing support. Some schools pair older students with newer ones to help them navigate through the first year or two. It sounds like your university doesn't offer much on the way of advisors.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

it doesn't offer any. It doesn't care completely

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

i have cried, i have said im not okay, i have written it, and my teachers are psychologists. Nobody cared. And the university as an institution even less. The administration scares the hell out of me

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I don't know anything about the university system where you live, but I'm wondering if you should look into transferring to a different school?

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

It's my last year so i will have to have to transfer tho i don't want to leave the city. I have agoraphobia and i get used to new places hard. Also i want to keep my place espessially with the prices now and that this place gave me recovery but i don't think universities in this city have the masters program i want but i don't want to leave

[SoporRose]

I understand. I don't like new places either. But may I suggest that, hard as it will be to move, that a new plce might be just what you need to become the new person you want to be? It's hard to change when we are surrounded by people who expect us to keep being the person we want to leave behind.

You've been incredibly strong and brave in facing your past and your family. Whatever you decide, I'll support!

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thank you! Just this place is the first place i managed to escape family and start living my life, settle down. I don't want to lose it. And the new place would probably be expensive or miserable and i probably won't be allowed to keep both places and i really want to stay here. It's where i escaped my family and started recovering

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

If your current city has what you need to pursue your life, then there's no reason to move.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

It has and i don't want to move but it doesn't have the masters program i need

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

How soon do you have to decide what to do?

[Hidden]

ok. Yikes! Slow down. It's going to be okay. You are not going insane. I know it feels like it, but you're not. I wanted to share something that my therapist and I recently worked out: we were able to tie the trauma I'm dealing with now to my childhood. From reading your post, you hit the nail on the head (another idiom for you: you are exactly right!) when you ask the question about what is happening to you (the one ending in "deep trauma"). Judging from what I just unearthed about mine, I would say that deep trauma is your answer. It's not just the mind that remembers; it is the entire body that remembers. I'm not feeling physically well either. Since I've been under extreme stress for awhile now, I don't think I'm getting sick as much as this is a manifestation of stress. The body has a number of ways it can show stress. That being said, though, please go to your doctor if you feel bad.

[Against_the_current in reply to Hidden]

That's what im scared of - that my trauma is so worsened and deabilitating

[Hidden in reply to Against_the_current]

I get it; I really do. Are you getting any therapy?