I had an actual anxiety attack today!

[TheFightGoesOn]

I had my 100%, full-blown, chest about to rip about, heart flies out, I cannot breathe, I am crying my eyes out, anxiety attack today and this is the first one like this in a very long time. Usually, they are not bad. Usually, they're like 50-70% blow-outs, you know?! I just grab a bag and breathe because I have enough time to get there. But this time it hot really fast, so fast, I couldn't even see to walk. I really couldn't. It was black for a bit. I don't even think I even saw black during a melt-down before. It was bad.

Yesterday, I was sitting down venting to my teen while my husband and niece were shopping. As most who read my post know, I suffer from PTSD, anxiety, depression, and stress. I just let it all out to my daughter since I have no one else. I started talking about a time with my mom, when I had to live with her, a time when she, my daughter, was 4, that lead to a conversation about why I had to live with my mother when she was 4, that conversation lead to 2 of my biggest regrets in my life, that conversation lead to me leaving her and her father when she was only 4. She looked up at me when I was done with tears streaming down her face and asked me, why did you never tell me you left me and dad?

Since that conversation yesterday, she has not spoken a word to me, not even when she was spoken to by me. Not once.

I think that I broke my daughter and she will never forgive. It was and certainly will always be one of the most regrettable things that I have ever done in my life. I will regret that moment and take that regret with me to my death. I told her I will be forever sorry and there will never be anything that I can do to make up for it and I know that. It just hurts to see her that way and nothing that I can do.

[conquestofhappiness]

I am not sure how long you left your daughter and husband, and there must be a reason for it, did you explained your reason? Was your daughter doing well during the time you were not there?

[TheFightGoesOn in reply to conquestofhappiness]

My daughter was 4. She's now 15. I wasn't engaged or married to her father at the time either. We have been now though for 9 years. Married on August 14th.

The reason it hurts so much for me and the reason I believe I had an anxiety attack this bad was because I hurt her for keeping such a hurtful secret and also told it to such a very overly sensitive teenager. This is something I should've told her when she was older, stronger, and more built to handle it. I just made it harder for her to handle it.

[conquestofhappiness in reply to TheFightGoesOn]

I see. But please don't blame yourself too much. I came from a different culture so I am not sure if my experience could help you. But I think there will be another chance for mom and daughter to rebuild their relationship, that is at the time when the daughter has her own baby. If the mom can try her best to help her daughter with the baby, their relationship can improve a lot.

I was not in good relationship with my mom when I was young, she and my dad sent me to a "boarding nursery" when I was 3, where I could only go back home for 1 day every week. She was super strict (even mean) to me later after I started my school, as she tried to push me to be a "top“ student and never care for my mental health and stress.

After I gave birth to my first baby and become depressed, my mom read many books about depression. She felt very guilty and thought she contributed to my depression by being so stern to me when i was a child. She came to help me with the baby, she talked to me in a totally different way, and our relationship improved.

So don't worry. Wait patiently. Till your daughter grows up, and talk to her just like an adult friend. Everything will be fine in the end. If it is not fine, it's because it is still not the end yet.

Hugs

[11112020 in reply to TheFightGoesOn]

Don't worry, you can't be expected to pitch everything perfectly at every second of the day. With respect to your daughter, she's a teenager and they tend to be dramatic and looking for something to take offence at! She won't hold this against you as she matures.

[D-man]

I am so sorry. I feel for you

[MARYRD27]

Can you see a therapist and then ask your daughter to accompany you? It sounds like your daughter doesn't remember you leaving, so it must have been brief. Are you in therapy? Sounds like you could benefit from therapy. Also, I recommend anyone with anxiety disorder to get a copy of The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne.

[TheFightGoesOn in reply to MARYRD27]

Tomorrow I have an intake appointment with a new center to find a new therapist. I had attempted therapy two other times within the past 5 years or so with no luck. I knew that I was already getting really bad since I lost my job recently, which did lead me to go to therapy before I even had the attack on Sunday evening. My daughter may not want to come with me. She's even more independent than I ever was. It's hard enough trying to talk to now to see if things are wrong with. Well, that was before I opened up to her about my secrets, of course, now it's just going to be harder.

[SheWrote]

You love your daughter and she loves you. Allow her time to process this. It is some really hard news to hear. Also, I would encourage you to find someone else to "vent" too. Your daughter is not the right person. I learned that the hard way with my daughter. It will actually place extra responsibility on her shoulders where she will actually worry about you and your well-being. Do you have a therapist or counselor? That might be needed to help you process through the things in your life that are still causing you pain. I believe you can get through it and you will be okay. Praying for you beautiful one... HUGS!

[TheFightGoesOn in reply to SheWrote]

I did realize too late that what I had done that night was so completely wrong. Just spilling out all of whatever I was going through. I only did it because I had no one else to go to at that moment. It was only her and I in the house. The one person that I use to go to decided to end a 10 yr friendship. The other 2 people that I could have gone to were working. She was all that was left, that I could think of at that very moment. I let it all out and I also let out some truths, secrets, and that one thing that she was not ready to hear to yet.

She is too young yet to be burdened by my own battles and scars, my own daily struggles, and my own mental illness. I learned over the past few days now how wrong I truly was to have done what I did to her. I see the hurt she's going through and do know the space she needs to be able to overcome it. I do plan on giving it to her. I also have to keep being the mother as well.

I have been changing since my meltdown. Putting my foot down a lot more around my house. Not allowing anyone to walk all over me as I allowed all the years before. I cannot manage the cleaning of this house and all of their messes too afterward, my mental illnesses, my nieces, my son's, now my daughters, and everything else going on around me every single day. I need help and I will get it when it's being asked when at the time it's being asked.

I told my husband that I am not cleaning the room that I no longer sleep in. He will. I told my daughter that the hallway that I cleaned upstairs yesterday, the cat box, her bedroom, and the bathroom upstairs that I will be cleaning today are all her responsibilities from this moment on, and if they are not done every single day, she will start being punished as her cousin gets punished for not doing her own chores and homework.

I will give my daughter the space from the hurt that I caused her but I will still be the mother that I need to be in the process.

I am going to an intake appointment his morning for my 3rd attempt at therapy in the past 6 years. I am going again this time because of how fast I have declined in the past 3-4 weeks. This past Sunday proved to me just how bad I have gotten. I cannot keep allowing myself to get to these points. My children need me. I am honestly their only support system. My husband has finally noticed that as well. I've made him clearly see things over the past few days too. Many things have been changing and myself and my husband have been seeing things a lot differently and better lately and it's because of me being able to see them and point them out to us both.