Anxiety

[Spokesmith]

Hello, I am new to this group and struggling with anxiety and depression. I am an empty nester and was a single father for many years, my daughter was 7 and my son 14 when I took on as full time dad. My ex wife and I split up when my daughter was 6 and a year later she called me and said come pick up your kids, I wasn't prepared to go and find her belongings packed in her car and my daughter clinging to her mothers leg crying and asking her not to leave. I asked what was going on and she told me she was leaving and that I was more stable so she was leaving the kids with me. I asked my son if he knew his mom was leaving and he said she had just told them the night before. It shattered me to see my kids like that, it was tough but I did what I had to do. I took my kids home and it was hard but I didn't think twice. Once my daughter became a teenager things got challenging for me because I didn't know how to support my daughter through her changes, we would have our disagreements and once she turned 18 she left home. My son and I had a great relationship until I experienced anxiety and everything was falling apart for me. It will be 4 years since my son and I have spoken and my daughter calls every now and then. Feels as if my heart was ripped out of my chest, I am having trouble moving on and starting over. My depression and anxiety have made it very difficult for me and im having trouble finding support, any advice would be greatly appreciated

[litethatnevergoesout]

Welcome to the community here. I’m sad to hear your story, all I can really offer is do whatever you can to love your children. your story breaks my heart.

[GlowingDarkly]

Hello, I am a new comer to this community too and I am glad we both have found our way here. Welcome!

Lately, I have been waking up at the crack of dawn each morning with a heartbeat I am surprised people in another room cannot hear. My anxiety can absolutely dominate and overwhelm me. Sometimes it is quieter, a lower thrumming tension. I find that trying to take time, 1-5 minutes to close my eyes and take in a series of slow, deep breaths - breathing in and out while focusing on emptying my head of literally everything (with my eyes close). It might be something you’ve heard or tried before but from a physical level - anxiety is a flight or fight response. So tackling it by clearing your space of both mental and physical stimulus can help short term.

Depression is absolutely a beast in its own right. I have found that engaging in a productive and positive activity can go along way in getting some juices flowing again. Again, not sure if this is something you have already tried but I wanted to mention it none the less. Think about yourself, about skills or activities that you thought were fun or perhaps you never tried before. Perhaps, something apart from something related to your family, whom I can tell you love dearly. My thinking is to carve out a little place in your psyche that is reserved just for yourself. Something you find enjoyable.

Over the years I have taught myself to draw (badly), I learned how to build a simple website, I did research on 3D Printing with the aim to learn to paint miniature models, looked into improv classes, pottery classes, woodworking classes.

I am told by many, many people that exercise is also extremely helpful as it adds a positive activity to your routine. Speaking of which, look to change up your routine, we are all creature of habit and sometimes you simply need a break from the normal everyday grind. Hit up a new coffee joint, treat yourself to a good meal at a restaurant you wouldn’t normally go to or try a new breakfast meal!

And of course, I would encourage you to seek a talk-therapist. Someone who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I spent 20 years of my life avoiding seeing a professional. For me I didn’t trust them, I thought I knew how to navigate my head well enough on my own. Well I was wrong. I would be in far more serious straits if I didn’t have the support of my therapist.

I hope in some way this helps. I am happy to reply to any thing you have to say too, you’re not alone.

[Spokesmith in reply to GlowingDarkly]

Hello and thanks for sharing, my anxiety got so bad that it festered into physical pain and had to get on some meds but was able to avoid ssri's. My chemical inbalance was off the charts. I used to workout and I have a shop in my garage where I machine parts and I build bicycle wheels. I completely lost interest in everything. I am also taking cbt and dbt classes so all of the above, I became a father at 22 and now at 50 I'm having trouble starting my life over. I don't understand it, I lost my mother at 11 years old and my dad wasn't around and I grew up in a rough neighborhood. I was very attached to my kids, codependency.

[GlowingDarkly in reply to Spokesmith]

It makes a lot of sense to me that you would place a lot of value on your relationship with your kids, given your past. Having people close is intrinsic to the human condition, I myself am overly anxious as I feel my own family is falling apart. I am also extremely codependent too, just with my folks who are getting into that stage in their life where, well there is just the reality that they aren’t going to be around much longer. When ever I feel empty and lonely and I am apart from my family - I turn to friends or seek new ways to make new friends. Easier said than done, and for some people they’d rather just not and that’s understandable.

But making human connections I think is the key in our type of situation, reaching out and establishing new bonds where and when we can. I really enjoy Dungeons & Dragons (not sure if you’re familiar with it) but it is a group oriented table top roleplaying game which also has some excellent online communities. And while it is a GAME and it is about silly things like wizards and elves and knights, it is also extremely social and a space where you can explore being someone not yourself. This probably will just seem stupid to you, but one never knows…

[Spokesmith in reply to GlowingDarkly]

Hello and thanks for sharing, my main focus was my kids and never thought it would turn out this way, I was hoping my daughter would transition out and do things differently. Friends would be great and thats something I have to work on, I'm familiar with dungeons and dragons I just don't spend time on the computer and it doesn't sound stupid at all. Loneliness is a disease and I hate it.

[GlowingDarkly in reply to Spokesmith]

I am with you on that. One small step at a time, just keep trying to reach out and things will improve so long as you don’t give up on it. And in the mean time, the folks here have expressed a lot of love and support so keep in touch with the community!

[HopeforMiami]

I'm sorry to hear this, especially because I'm in a very similar situation. My older kids are adults and they don't know how to deal with my anxiety and depression, so they just avoid me. I know it's heartbreaking and I think about them everyday, so I can understand that it's not only depression but a constant grieving. Thankfully, my youngest comes around and I am thankful for that.I'm glad you found this group. I'm new here too and it's been really helpful for me and I hope it will be for you too

Welcome!

[Spokesmith in reply to HopeforMiami]

Yea, my kid's didn't know how to deal with my anxiety either and neither does my family, my emotions were at an all time high and I have never cried so much before. Grieving is correct, I miss my son very much and I hope he comes around one some day. Thanks for the reply and im glad I found this group

[Stippler]

Welcome to the group! I am not a parent, but I have found 12 step programs like CoDA, Al-Anon, ACoA, and EA to be very helpful with family issues. You might also look up NAMI groups in your area. I first started going to different 12 step meetings 30 years ago, and back then I met some of my closest friends, who are still best friends, even today. Best of luck to you - I know you are doing your best.