Anxiety attack at work

[Ripley7]

Well just when I felt like I’ve improved on staying mostly ahead one of my bosses’ random mood swings I was sorely mistaken last night

I’m a hostess/busser at a little restaurant and one of my bosses (actually she’s the owner- not my direct hiring boss specifically) had told me the name of the party I was to collect and lead them to their table so first place I checked was a seating area just in front of where the hostess station is and I called out the name twice and saw a couple sitting there and they confirmed ( a usual protocol so far and nothing out of the ordinary-I’ve done this a million times before) so I lead them to their table and all is well...

Well evidently it wasn’t the correct party that she was referring to. She evidently knows the person I was supposed to sit (I did not unfortunately) and she unfortunately didn’t notice that I had gone straight to the area in front of where she and I were standing and called the name and they proceeded to get up and follow me. Meanwhile the boss lady had gone to the bar area and found the lady that I was looking for and told her and her friend to go ahead and sit but they couldn’t because there were already people sitting there.

So right in front of the whole restaurant she blesses me out demanding why did I seat another party there when (party’s name) was right here.

I was all stuttering and confused because I’d just asked for that same name and the other people confirmed. She just kept acting like she didn’t believe me. I profusely apologized to the correct party (come to find out they evidently regulars and I noticed that I recognized the friend but not her. If it were under the friends name I wouldn’t known the face to look for for sure,but I had no face in my head to the name on the wait list.

They were super nice and laughed good-naturedly about it and said they’ll just keep waiting over at the bar area and have another drink until the next table opens up and that it’s no big deal.

So my boss leads me to the hostess station where the wait list is and starts ripping into me pointing at the name I was supposed to call- I said I did call that name immediately after she’d told me to. I looked at the name that was right below the correct one and noticed that the two were similar phonically and that the other customers and I must have both just misunderstand each other with the noise all going on around us.

But the owner didn’t care and was near hollering at me saying that I should be verifying customer’s phone numbers before seating them.

I have never ever been instructed this in the year that Ive worked there nor have I see her or anyone do this. There’s no need to verify a phone number unless someone were to accidentally put two of the same first names in the system and you would then have to verify which one they are.

I just said yes mam and let her fuss a bit more then she stomped off to go smoke a cigarette in the back office.

I tried to look ok and not ruffled but my stupid tears started fighting to release and I had to go sneak to the bathroom to try to calm the inevitable anxiety attack that followed.

Anytime I’m publicly humiliated by someone especially an authority figure it sends me into instant panic attack- part of the social anxiety no doubt.

The rest of the night I avoided eye contact with anyone so they didn’t see I was constantly fighting tears. I looked like a whipped puppy-it was horrible.

Before the ‘correct’ customers left she saw me at the hostess station quietly preparing menus and she smiled sympathetically and gave me a big hug and said to please don’t worry it’s ok and they come here so much it’s practically a second home so it’s no big deal at all to them.

I really appreciated it but I was still feeling the sting of being publicly and loudly berated by the owner.

Shortly after the verbal beating from the owner I went and took a low dose Xanax which helps me when I have these attacks- and it did after about 10 or 15 min - it stops the freaking out panic mode but that’s it- not the racing thoughts and the reruns in my head and depression for falling victim again to my stupid emotions.

The employees were very sympathetic- they said they know how she gets. I appreciated the understanding from them, but still it’s just one more thing that keeps my social fear and an anxiety going so strong.

After whenever I have these anxiety attacks I then start to experience what I can only describe as somewhat of a hangover type of feeling but it’s like a deep deep dark depressing mixed which utter shame and guilt and self loathing.

So I ended up later at home doing a little bit of the self harm cutting thing. I can’t do much of that lately (fortunately I guess) because my boyfriend has been off for a week for the holidays and he pays close attention to what I’m up to because I’d confided to him prior about the self harming.

This isn’t the first time the owner has chewed me out in public but it’s been awhile since the last time prior to yesterday, and usually I managed to watch her moods closely and act accordingly- like staying a step ahead of her moods and by no means say anything but pretty much yes mam and no mam.

There’s nothing my hiring boss can really do either because that’s his mom.

Also this is the only job I’ve managed to get after being unemployed for over a year despite that I’d gone back to school after my divorce I’d gotten a degree and a couple of diplomas. So I’m not really in the position to quit yet. It wouldn’t be so bad if she didnt randomly yell at me in public like that as if I’m some sort of wayward child. I’m know there as a very hard worker who never stops and always goes out of my way to help out the others. So it really hurts because it makes me feel like I can’t be as good a worker as I should.

Anyway if anyone’s read this far many thanks to you. If anything at least I’m venting I guess. I just can’t shake that dark depressed shame guilt feeling that makes me want to do the stupid self harming thing. 😔

By the way on top of that I’d seen my counselor yesterday and it’s thought that I have Aspergers (high functioning I’m guessing?) and bipolar. Ina month I’ll see the psychiatrist to go about seeing whether I’ll be formally diagnosed with bipolar and get the correct treatment finally.

[AZ1970]

You poor thing! Your boss is abusive. I think anyone would have gone in the bathroom to cry. I certainly would have. You did nothing wrong. Errors happen. It was an honest mix up. Shame on her for acting that way to and in front of customers to boot. I imagine this triggered shame and self loathing which lead to cutting. You sound like you are doing really well. Don’t let that set you back. I’m glad you are getting closer to a diagnosis. That should help. I have a daughter with autism and bipolar. I know how tough that can be. Hang in there.

[Ripley7 in reply to AZ1970]

Thank you so much for the kind words - if you don’t mind my asking about your daughter,how does she manage having both autism and bipolar? Has being diagnosed helped in any way to cope?

If I’m diagnosed then in some small way I will be relieved because I feel like if I have a label for what my issues are then can then have a better plan on how to manage it.

Having all my life being diagnosed under the giant umbrella of generalized anxiety disorder and depression has done absolutely nothing to help in managing it better.

[AZ1970 in reply to Ripley7]

My daughter is adopted. She was substance exposed and neglected by her biological mother. Her IQ is low as well. As a result life will always be rough for her. She lives in a group home and has 24/7 care.

You see the world in a unique way. That is your gift. I would recommend researching sensory integration disorder. I bet you will find interventions to calm yourself. Also look up Temple Grandin. She has autism and is well known. There is a movie about her and she has written books. If you have bipolar, there are medications that can help with the mood swings. I hope that helps a bit.

[Ripley7 in reply to AZ1970]

I’ve no doubt that it will help- thank you, thank you! I will look those up. ❤️

[HearYou]

OK, please tell me you are not continuing to cut at this moment. That's important because you are important.

You had a he** of a day at work. A really bad one, embarrassing and all that mix up was not your fault....but one woman at your place of work aimed her anger at you. Others reassured you later that YOU were great and even hugged you. This happens at work to other people too, no matter where they work. It hurts, but with time you will feel better.

AZ1970 offers some very good advice and information. I have read Temple Grandin.

Autism is a large spectrum, with Aspergers at the high end of it regarding functioning, learning and even dealing with life with people like that uncouth supervisor. I am so glad you will be with your neuropsychiatrist soon., Check on that title I just gave your doctor. Many psychiatrists are also board certified in neurology, which means that physician understands us inside and out. xoxo

[Ripley7 in reply to HearYou]

I’ll be honest -I did cut some in the car before I got home that day and then I snuck in the bathroom a little later after I got home and did a little more. For some reason I’m very focused on the spot on my left wrist and it’s gotten thick with scar tissue so I can’t do much over the scar tissue unless I go deeper which fortunately scares me at this point. I’ve tried other spots (cutting) and I don’t find it to work the same (as like some weird sort of release valve). I don’t know why it’s the wrist exactly.

I explained all this to my counselor. I told her when I cut I go into a sort of trance where the racing thoughts are sort of pushed to the back of my mind for a bit and it’s a relief. For lack of a better word I guess you could say I sort of hyper focus on the action of it.

Same thing with hyper focusing on pinning things on Pinterest- I hyper focus on searching for things to pin to whatever board I have accordingly...practically obsessively, such as beautiful pictures I can use as wallpaper on my phone and whatever other nonsense that I’ll never get around to looking at later. But it’s like an obsession like I can never find enough. Same thing with downloading a ridiculous amount of songs and books.

Those are just a couple of examples of things that I obsess/hyper focus on that seem to put me in a bit of a trance. Weird? No doubt.

I’m very glad that I’ll be seeing the psychiatrist but unfortunately I have to wait until Feb. it’s such a slow process in getting help but I guess that it’s better than no help at all. Been a long time coming in addressing my issues.

[HearYou in reply to Ripley7]

You may want to see the therapist as frequently as you can as the neurologist appointment is not until Feb. You need to TALK WITH him, not just get meds. Take whatever help the therapist offers very seriously.xoxo

[Ripley7 in reply to HearYou]

Thank you I will - I’m to see the therapist maybe weekly/biweekly I don’t really know what to do in the meantime while waiting to find out if I’m diagnosed as bipolar though.

She’d asked me a few questions about what goes on in my mind when I cut and I answered her but that’s about it regarding that. After she said I show classic symptoms of Aspergers I’m now left with so many questions about myself...Do people see me as being ‘off’ somehow? My biggest fear is not fitting in ...and unfortunately I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere ever. Then add bipolar to the recipe...😒 The best I could say to that is maybe I’m a pretty darn unique kind of hot mess at least. 😏

Waiting a month to see the psychiatrist is going to drive me completely insane. He’ll have some more diagnoses for me no doubt after that long.

But seriously, I will continue to work with the counselor regularly. I want to stop the self harming.

[HearYou in reply to Ripley7]

Take one thing at a time. Please don't worry about what diagnosis the psychiatrist may have. You are taking medication....so you must be seeing a type of doctor now and the Asperger's signs have been mentioned to you. Do you fully understand what Asperger's is about? Learn as much as you can, use your therapist to explain as much as you can take in. Find the books written by the author mentioned by another member of this venue. So take control of what you can now.......what I have suggested above is plenty and you have control over them. You are in charge of this part. Do not allow yourself to feel you are not in control. You are, one thing at a time. Remember, one thing at a time. Just one thing at a time. OK? xoxo

[Ripley7 in reply to HearYou]

Thank you so much. I’ve been reading here and there about Aspergers and some of it I can seem to identify with but some not so much. Of course not everything is always clear cut. It’s the dreaded grey areas- where something doesn’t quite fit into one particular category or rule or whatever.

The grey areas are where I struggle with so much in my life. In a perfect world for me there would be no grey areas to torment me and my struggles with making difficult decisions over things that everyone else has no trouble with making... if that makes sense. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Tell me what I have and I will come up with a plan to manage with it. Unfortunately ‘tis not so me.

So maybe somewhere down the road with therapy I hope to figure ways to be able to manage the dreaded grey areas in life.

Anyway, I can’t express how grateful I am for your insight as well as everyone else’s.

I don’t really have anyone I feel comfortable talking to about this matter or my depression, the anxiety, the self harm. My bf kind of just shrugs off the Aspergers/bipolar thing- he’s got his own issues (depression and drinking) so hearing about mine over and over has probably run its course. He’s not sure how to deal with the info about the rest of my issues- I think as long as I’m seeing a therapist he’s relatively satisfied that I’m on my way to recovery or something like that.

I told him today that the best part of the nasty ol’ cold I’d been fighting the past few days- it was rough & had me laid up on the couch the whole time, but it was the sleeping part that I will miss. I know for sure that’s the Depression speaking but I really miss just sleeping and sleeping.

I remember one of the times while laying on the couch I was blocking everything out and imagining that I was in some kind of...shell, pod, cocoon- whatever - anyway it kept everything and everyone out and I was safe and comfortable inside- no noise- no light- no movement- no nothing. Yes it’s weird. No suicide hints or anything like that- I’m too chicken and I can’t do that to my kids.

But it would just seem so much easier to be able to shut the world out for me.

Anyway having mentioned my children they are what makes me want to beat this awful depression and anxiety and the hold it has on me. Every day is a battle to face and each night I go to bed it’s one more battle I won, right? ❤️

[HearYou in reply to Ripley7]

Oh, friend......we all have grey areas, and at times are very uncertain about making decisions. YOU ARE NORMAL in that category. That's just life, ok? If none of us had grey areas and someone was always telling us what to do, we would be like tin soldiers not knowing why we were in uniform. Your friend who has a "drinking issue"....you are correct, he appears to have an addiction and can't see past the obvious at this time. Sleeping is an escape, and I understand you miss it because you don't need to deal with anything when you are asleep unless it's nightmares.

As far as Asperger's, do not worry about what you identify with and what you don't. It's not a contest, and it's ok to see the areas you do think rings a bell with you. Your healthcare specialists can deal with your questions about it. Take a breathe and relax......it is simply a name given so helpers can know where to start, and maybe agree or disagree, and help differently.

During depression, anxiety and other times in our lives, a soundproof cocoon is welcome to just give us a rest. Guess a good sleep is a type of cocoon.

As far as you winning each day, of course you win! What could help you see the next day as not a battle, but a competition? I bet you that your children love you and your love gets you to the finish line the day you read this. Hug every one of your children and commit to memory how that hug feels. Pull up those physical feelings anytime you need to feel loved.

Does your family have a dog or cat? xoxo

[Ripley7 in reply to HearYou]

Yes- we have dogs and cats that are rescues.

One of my cats - he’s 15 years old- a beautiful long haired white angora (looks angora at least) is practically my therapy kitty. I don’t know what I’d do without him on my worst days.

It makes me proud to see that my children have also learned to have love and compassion for animals and nature.

☺️

[HearYou in reply to Ripley7]

Your answer is what I hoped it would be. That special cat is very good medicine for anxiety. We have a black cat that sleeps at foot of the bed and will cuddle anytime he sees the soft baby brush we use on him. (He is not as fond of the grooming brush we use to remove loose cat hair every night)

[Ripley7 in reply to HearYou]

Sounds like my cat- he loves the baby brush but not so much the comb part-at least when it hits a snag.

Another one of our kitties is kind of second in command in sometimes distracting me from my deeper depressed times- the times when I feel like I just don’t have the strength to face the days ahead- usually those are when my kids are gone visiting their dad for an extended period of time. He’s a real cuddle bug and has been there snuggled right up near me through the whole time before.

Yes, thank goodness for the companionship of animals. ❤️