Out with hubby tonight...

[Kaytee1981]

I'm sitting upstairs in a towel after getting out the shower, my husband and I are going out later, just for a curry, but we haven't been out in, well I can't even remember. I am ridiculously anxious and my stomach is in knots and my hearts pounding and everything is saying dont leave the house. I'm making myself agoraphobia, I only leave for essential things and hadn't really thought anything of it until about a week ago when it crossed my mind talking to a mental health nurse. Now it's not just the leaving house thing it's that me and my husband are having massive relationship problems and have tried to get couple counselling but were turned away. I'm worried about what we shall talk about, I dont work as I'm off sick and his been off today, if he'll say he wants to separate again, we trailed this for a month or so, it was very bad for my mental health. I dont want to replay my issues again to him but that's all I've got to talk about and I know he doesn't get it, and it's a changing state of emotions but i feel like I'm boring him as i don't have any friends to sound off too.

Jeez I never thought I'd be like this and in this situation- I hate it, i feel so worthless, so empty...

[amyrrt]

I get the agoraphobia thing. I am sitting at work in my coat because I can’t take it off because it is like admitting I left the house. I get the comfort of what we know...as far as your husband, maybe he just wants curry? I would try another counselor, not sure why you would be turned away? I wish I had answers for you but can only offer understanding in what you are going through. I so get it, I can barely go to work and even then I just leave sometimes. You are not alone...hoping that helps some.

[Hidden]

Try not to make it about you. Try at home to do an online course and join groups online can be anything stupid even if gives you something to talk about ! I know how you feel I’m same way. I’m not taking a course yet because I’m suffering headaches but I will

[Kaytee1981 in reply to Hidden]

I'm trying to get back to work but my employer wont allow me to go back to the role I trained hard to do so that's causing considerable stress. I'm doing some volunteering training which gets me out and the mental health service have interviewed me to join some groups in the new year- it's a massive waiting game 😏 just hope I can hold on.

[Hidden in reply to Kaytee1981]

Yes. I can hardly walk and my inside are burning not kidding my throat feels like it’s sliding down my body I’m very weak in my torso pelvis from guarding from getting my back side blown out from meds too. Men don’t get a woman having 5 surgeries in pelvis. I slept 4 hours today upon waking I just crashed but I can’t keep doing that.

I am sure you worked hard for that position. I had same scenario after injuring my neck 4 years ago and I fought for my job. It cost me mentally like you wouldn’t believe as I was injured off a year they did not want me back made me get psyche evaluation which I passed with flying colours & letters because they were contacting me while I was on morphine I mean hello lol I was heavily out of it from that . I’ve had missed health issues back to back and stress. I’ll give you some advice that’s hard to hear. Advice I wish I took from my best friend and doctor. Think long and hard if what you’re going through is worth your job. Is it worth having to skip happiness ?? Wrecking your health & family time you’re connection in this world ?? My sister made me fight for my job it was a living hell and I had other health issues I didn’t know about. I regret following her advice. You may not .... but I do. They always offer you be kind a diff position then they make your life hell you’ll be fighting going back to work too. I know a paediatric surgeon he didn’t return to his hospital they did same to him he’s happy now at a different one. He’s getting better he’s finding his way very well and living going to Maui. He’s not having to go bed like us. I guess I’m trying to offer you another side of the coin. I’ve nearly died and it’s taken me till now to stop fighting for anything but myself. I have my last effort for my father having cancer while i was in burnout. He’s doing great now and me I can’t butter toast some days. If I hadn’t kept fighting wrong places I’d have energy for me and living. You make your decisions but I am glad to have the opportunity to talk about mine in hopes it saves someone else. At the end of the day ... you matter most and people you love & love you right

[Funkyfaerie]

I have to make myself talk to my husband about ever day things, the news, the kids and grand kids, literally anything. Because I think he is so sick of how I am feeling and me telling him, but like you I have no one else to talk to about this as I don't want to bore them either, surely my husband the closest person to me should listen without getting cross, that doesn't help me at all.

Saying all this I am getting stronger, as I am getting angry that no one will believe how bad I sometimes feel. So maybe not giving all my horrible symptoms credence by talking about them all the time, is weakening them and they are fading away....

[Kaytee1981]

Oh you've described how I feel about talking about me! Yeah surely they should listen and understand but they dont and you dont want to keep going on.

I'm glad your in the mend - I still cant see an end have a psychologist assessment Thursday so hopefully they will agree to see me.

[DottieLucy]

Kaytee1981, I am so sorry that you find yourself in this position. Being ill and basically unable to b social is quite difficult and you are right, it leaves you with nothing to talk about but whaat is going on with yourself. try reading the news, magazines, and/or books so that you do have something to chat about. You can also look up things like 100 questions to ask your spouse on a road trip and things like that for fun things to chat about. and please, get yourself some counseling!

[Kaytee1981 in reply to DottieLucy]

Thanks - we tried to get couple counselling but due to my suicide attempts and self harm they were unwilling to work with me as the risk of something bad happening (apparently) out weighs the risk of counselling.

I have a mental health nurse I work with and chat things through but its nothing structured as such.