Guilt , Shame, and Hopelessness

[LostButterfly78]

I thought I would start out with that happy title, since I don’t really know where to begin. In the last month I have stayed in the psychiatric unit at the hospital, dropped out of grad school, terminated my assistantship and have taken a leave of absence from work. This whole down-spiral started in April/May when I wanted to get on a different antidepressant because Prozac made me feel numb. I didn’t want to feel that way because I was getting married and I wanted to feel emotions. So I started on a different antidepressant and all seemed to be going well until I started gaining weight (almost 4 lbs a week). It was determined that the antidepressant was interacting with seroquel. I was taken off seroquel after being on it for 9 years. I had bad withdrawal symptoms: itching, nausea, and I had issues sleeping. Months went by and my sleeping issues got worse. At one point I was going a week with only 5-6 hours total of sleep for the whole week. I was trying to juggle going to grad school, working my assistantship and also working a new part time job. About a month ago I started to sink into a really dark place. I didn’t care about school or my job, which is unlike me because I’ve always put pressure on myself to succeed in everything. I started feeling like I didn’t want to be here anymore and that I just wanted to escape by doing something but I wasn’t sure what. I admitted myself to the hospital psychiatric unit because I needed help and didn’t want to be a burden to my loved ones. I stayed in there 6 days while the psychiatrist tried to regulate my medication because what I was on was obviously not working. Since the hospital, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I now have what is called “terminal insomnia” now which is when I can go to sleep but I wake early in the morning and I am unable to go back to sleep. I’ve been on several sleeping medications and when I think theres one sleeping medication that is finally working then BOOM I start to have bad nights where I only sleep 3 maybe 4 hours. Currently, my husband and I sleep in different rooms because I can’t get to sleep if there is any outside noise or movement. Last night we tried sleeping together and it didn’t very well, even though I had really high hopes that it would be good. I’ve been feeling that way a lot lately, I have high hopes and then they crash. It’s hard to be hopeful when you have been on so many medications that don’t work and are forced by your mental illness to drastically change your life. It might just be self pity but it seems unfair. A few months ago I just started an amazing job at a hospital and my supervisors have been wonderful about letting me take a leave of absence. I have almost 3 weeks left on my leave of absence. It worries me because I still take a lot of sleeping medication to go to sleep. I’ll sleep 3-4 hours and then wake up sometime between 2-3am and am unable to go back to sleep on my own so I have to take more medicine. For my job I usually need to be at work by 6:30am, so I’m unsure if my terminal insomnia will allow me to continue to work at that job. I am doing everything that I can do to keep my head above water by going to the therapist, psychiatrist, support group and making an appointment at a sleep specialist clinic. But I feel an immense amount of guilt because I am making my parents and husband go through this with me. I also feel guilty of making all these appointments when I’m not working because it’s expensive. To say that I feel worthless and that I hate myself is an understatement. Can anyone relate to any of this?

[amoeba43]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. While your journey is different in many ways than my own, Incan definitely relate to the guilt and juggling ones mental health with work demands and expectations and feeling like you're burdening others.

I often struggle with whether I should work where I am or not, because I feel awful at how unstable I am. I am able, for the most part, to keep a lot of it hidden, but people definitely have commented on days when I'm quiet or not the regular face their used to seeing. I feel extreme guilt at not being good enough for the position and feel constantly like I'm failing expectations. I'll never be good enough.

I don't feel comfortable telling people around me how bad I can get. Because I don't think there's anything they can really do to help, and I feel bad putting them in the position to have to hear it. I often get lonely and scared going through stuff.on my own, but when I think of calling a friend up...well, that just seems absurd.

I've made some compromises with my spending on mental health stuff. Originally I wasn't doing anything for it, because I felt the money was wasted. Especially if it kept me alive. I wish I had some deep wisdom for you. I haven't found any convenient universal truth yet. Other than maybe to say that in some ways that might matter, you aren't alone.

[crowningglory19]

Wow, I am so sorry you are going thru this! Yes, medicine changes and interactions can be really difficult! Talk to your Dr and see if taking magnesium would work ok with your meds. It helps with sleep a lot! Also, ginseng is great to get rid of sticky negative thoughts that loop. What about a little walk in the evening, would that help you sleep better? Ear plugs? Eye mask? My daughter is a light sleeper and they help her, also a noise canceling sound machine is great. Hoping you get back to a good nights' sleep dear! Blessings!

[KekEstacado]

Sometimes we feel that is only our problems, but if your family want yo give you support probably You should let them, I have nocturnal terrors and bad dreams almost all nights, sometimes is because we are holding somethings, try talk about how are you feeling with them, is not easy but if you let free your guilty could help you to sleep better, good luck