Shame

[Kat63]

I feel shame because I lost my job 6 weeks ago. I was let go because they said I didn’t have the technical knowledge that they needed - not due to misconduct.

I feel terrible. People are supposed to be good at their jobs and keep them - not get dumped because their skills didn’t match what was needed.

I’m 55 years old. What if I never find another job again? I cringe at the thought of having to move in with my father and live on his dime, like a little kid. At my age!

My boyfriend and I are planning for me to move in with him in about two weeks. But what if he changes his mind?

I’m so scared of all the bad possibilities I see opening up in the future. What if my life totally goes off the tracks and is never good again?

[JAYnLA]

Ah yes - the 'what if' syndrome. I know it well! Our imaginations can be so wonderful - until they turn on us. I've found that countering 'what if' thoughts with facts is always helpful. Hang in there! A bump in the road is NOT the whole road.

[Hidden]

I don't know what your relationship with your dad looks like, but if you are attempting to reconcile with a boyfriend, I don't think moving in with him would be more secure than moving in with your dad for a while.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I'm glad your other response have been more positive than mine.

[Kat63 in reply to Hidden]

My bf lives only 80 miles away from where I live, in a place I’m familiar with, that I like, where I already have some friends.

My dad lives 650 miles away, in a place that I do not happen to like, where he and my brother are the only people I know.

Does that help?

[flapjack70]

Hi Kat,

I hate to admit it, but I've been right there in your shoes … more than once. It's never for misconduct, actually. And it's often for some vague reason that you could really associate (or not) with anyone. The fact is, at least for me, I suffer from Major Depression and Anxiety, and the least little bit of negative feedback sets me off on a terrible downward spiral. I hope you're not experiencing the same thing. I saw another reply to your post that was pretty spot on. As easy as it is to say, and as hard as it is to do, try not to engage in the "What If" thinking trap. The fact of the matter, absolutely ANYTHING "could" happen. You could win the lottery tomorrow! So do try to focus on the actual situation itself; the facts, if you will. Is this the first time you've been let go? If so, then really you're rather lucky. It happens with greater and greater frequency these days. Maybe it wasn't really your technical proficiency at all. Or if it was, was it a new skill? Did they train you properly? You know what I'm saying? Don't blame yourself for the entire thing. Figure out what might have been your "fault," fix THAT, then move on and get another job and away you'll go!! The fact of the matter is, the economy is great right now, so by all means get that resume out there!!

[Kat63 in reply to flapjack70]

I’ve been laid off from jobs before; but it was always considered a lay-off and not my fault. In this situation the company found something wrong with me.

[Mary-intussuception in reply to Kat63]

There's nothing wrong with you. Why should you feel shame? Think about a few things - how long have you been in that job? Who hired you? Do you think you were coping well? Because this sounds like an excuse to me. Maybe they just wanted to cut back on staff numbers. Are you certain that you were fairly dismissed? Was there another job at the same place/ with the same company that you could have been transferred to? Are you in a Union or any staff organisation? Could you speak to a representative?

Do you really think this will affect your boyfriend's decision to go ahead with your plans? What if it had happened the other way around? What would you do then?

You're going through a difficult time now. Losing your job is such a bad knock. Hope you can start thinking positively and come back fighting - if not for that job for finding one close to where you decide to live.

Another point is this: your boyfriend has known this for 6 weeks ? Has he said anything about changing his mind?

[Puzzled57]

There is nothing wrong with you!!! You lack knowledge. Take this time to learn something new, do something new. Try not to let your grieving period get the best of you. I know that is easier said than done but I am speaking from my experience as someone who lost a job being in my fifties. Be gentle with yourself. You may not have what that company needs but your experience is needed elsewhere and you will get there!

[Kat63 in reply to Puzzled57]

This happened to you, too? And you found a job?

[Puzzled57 in reply to Kat63]

Yes, it sucks to be in your fifties and lose a job. I walked out because it was too stressful for me (or so it was at the time). I was driven to a very dark place. I spent 2 years trying to crawl out of the deep depression I sank into but I got really good at a wood project I started. I had to fight my way back to being employable but, yes, I found a job. Its not what I really want to do but I am looking at it as a time to regain confidence I lost. Time and patience. Though our stories may be different, I can relate to your loss. Be kind to yourself.

[jkl5500]

This seems very strange. So they decided that you weren't qualified for the job AFTER they hired you? They're supposed to determine whether you're qualified when you first apply there!

You might have a legal case here. Have you discussed this with an attorney?

[fauxartist]

Unless you have a crystal ball that can tell you the future....don't presume anything.....all we have control over is what we can do today. I was in my mid fifties and had to work for temp agency's for a while just to make ends meet. And this was after having my own business for almost 30 years. I also had to rent after being a home owner for 20 years, It's humbling to have to start again, but it's just life. Sometimes when we stop looking at the door closed, we don't see the one open in front of us. Live for today, we cannot change what had happened....and do what you can for today.....if you have a temporary set back, it's okay......you can restructure..... oh.....and I also went back to college to get a degree in Business Admin......took courses online from the local college and worked at night in a call center.....your going to be okay.....