I've done something wrong and that's why I feel bad

[Magicdreamer]

Hello Beautiful People. 💚💐 Today, I resigned from Waitressing. I did this because a Manager kept coming up to me and pointing out the things that 'should' be done perfectly. Definitely a mirror for perfectionism which makes me feel stuck. Stuck in good girl mode. Stuck in people pleasing mode... Basically just stuck in the land of plastic... No substance. I was sitting down being with myself, trying to feel the emotions I needed to and he came up to me and reminded me that we're not allowed to sit...

I did actually tell the Manageress before I started that if I need to be with any triggered emotions then I'd need to take a few min out, and she agreed but for some reason, my hypervigilent thoughts helped me forget, in that moment.

I'm not allowed to sit, said the Manager....Well, I was sitting so that blows bullet holes in that belief. Is it true that I'm not allowed to sit? They keep telling me that... I keep hearing them say that... They keep giving me proof but how can it possibly be true when I was already sitting. It's looking at the thoughts, the ideas I've bought into.... The restaurant owner wasn't going to change his mind and my intention was not to change it either as it's my lesson. Do I stay and adhere to the really ridiculous instruction or move on.... I moved on. My body tells me when it's needs to sit so ignoring my body seems like a form of self-abuse to me. So, this all forms part of the self worth trilogy that I'm diving into..... I'm not allowed to.... I can't.... I've done something wrong by not listening to their instruction not to sit.... then I feel bad for resigning (shame) as though I've done something wrong. I feel bad because I voices what I don't want and accept that's who they chose to be so, I will move on. This feeling became triggered even more when I got home to the folks. Step Mom was as miserable as ever so my shame just mirrored through the people in my life and the disappointment added no relief. My step Mom is from a very dark emotional time in life so I get that she doesn't understand but that prim and proper, plastic, disapproving, insignificant tone always hits me right in the core!! Aargh!!!

So, I'm learning to mind my own business and be centred within myself and allowing others to be themselves but when it comes to ridiculous requests like, you're not allowed to sit... I ask myself... Who am I hurting in this moment by sitting? Nobody. It's all about power play and control and I'm so glad for the lesson but I'm choosing to heal this skewed idea that I need to be a door mat to others and to myself.

I need to work on shame - what expectations am I holding myself to... I seem to have fallen deep into the cracks of status and stigma (stereotype)... 💐💚

Awesome place to just vent. Thank you for reading. Xxx💚💐❣️☀️

[mjcll41]

I would say the only thing you did "wrong" was to not find a better job first before quitting. I agree that you should have quit if your boss agreed to your sitting and then changed her mind. You are absolutely right that everything is a power play, and I'm sorry to say that this fact does not change if you get a job that requires a Master's Degree. If you follow with a counselor, I would discuss this matter with her/him and ask what kind of a job might be able to accommodate being a human being and doing human being things like knowing one's limits and not going beyond them. If bosses want you to wear 30 pieces of flair, they should tell you to wear 30 pieces of flair and then not complain when you don't choose to wear more.

[Magicdreamer in reply to mjcll41]

💚❣️

[mjcll41 in reply to Magicdreamer]

What they want is for you to be a naive, air-headed cheerleader who makes everyone feel good at her own expense and who either doesn't know or doesn't care that the world is wittingly and joyously going to hell in a handbasket. Don't drink the Kool-Aid.

[Magicdreamer in reply to mjcll41]

😂 what a wonderful way of putting it. Thank you. 😂💚

[mjcll41 in reply to Magicdreamer]

I'm not a communist; I believe in working for a living. The unfortunate part is that the powers that be keep everyone else from being able to do anything but working themselves to death, working jobs that no sane human being would want to work. Again, fight to find a job that's good for you; maybe you can get one online with which you could set your own hours. With your diagnoses, maybe you can get some disability $. Best of luck; let me know how it goes.

[Magicdreamer in reply to mjcll41]

Will do. Thank you for your advice. 💐

[Hidden]

A new job is totally in order. That's ridiculous!! You will get a better job and be better overall. You did the right thing. Sounds like a tiring dead-end job.

[Magicdreamer in reply to Hidden]

😂 Yeah, for sure.