I feel fed up with myself boring job and being alive

[JtimmyT]

At 30, I should be grown up, matured and all that, but still insecure absolutely thick at most things.

I feel such a failure, I feel unmotivated to do or try anything. I feel like a waste of space on this earth and sometimes give up on being alive.

I still find it hard to understand people, like today, someone called up wanting me to pass a message to my dad, a normal person would easily know what he was saying without the need of writing things down.

But me I misheard and did not understand, making myself thick, my dad started moaning then about how thick I am,... as usual he moans about me to my mom saying I'm not all there and how embarassing it is when people talk to me and I don't say much.

Some people i just don't know what to say..

I was just not ready when tge phone rang....my mind went blank and it was hard to catch up....nobody gets it.

The volume went down and my ears was filled with pressure. But all I get is a complains.

I fear working for others because of this I fear not understanding them. I was like this in college during my late teens. Ridiculed for being a "mong".

I still have trouble making conversations and interacting with people, in my mind I know what to say, I'm quite social in my imagination, but put it to practice... I suck, it's like I'm socially disabled or have some kind of autism.

I hate being like this, I hate myself for who I am.

I isolated myself due to the loser I was in the past and still am.

I did stupid things in my early 20s and people around here especially my neighbours, people who knew me from school or college think I'm slow in the head, a weirdo..

My fault because of the way I act.

I tried my best to be like everyone else, but I can't. Once people think stuff about you, it's too late.

I even avoid seeing my uncle from America if I see him on holiday visiting relatives with my mom because I am ashamed of being so quiet and not saying much before, making myself look aloof and stupid...

I can't seem to push myself beyond my comfort zone, be normal, because I am filled with fear shame and anxiety.

I don't know how to let go of it.

I wasted my 20s, Living in my small little world, procrastinating, letting the past, social anxiety and all define me, I work at home on the family farm, I wrote it on here once...

I'm bored of it, I really don't have much choices, my parents are old in their 60s and 70s, complaining about pains, forgetting things, my dad having sleep disorders and its scary... and I feel too stuck in my insecurities without guilt rushing through me..

I know its my life and I can do what I like but it's not easy. Its not like living in a town. If I was living in a town, I think I would try and bugger off and do something different.

I can't simply pack up the next day or month. Its not so easy, its not profitable enough to hire someone else to do it. And the dogs don't listen to strangers anyway...there's about 6 if them.

My mom doesn't want to hear I want to do something different and doubts me....

I don't know what I'd like to do instead. I have no qualifications in anything else.

I did volunteering while doing CBT last year, in a town nearby with wildlife. I prefer wildlife than farm animals.... everyone were nice, but I always fear opening up too much to people. It hasn't given me an idea what I'd lije to do...

History and archeology interest me, but volunteer places are quite far away....

I don't really know how and where to start if I have a choice....all I know is I'm pretty much useless and thick. I been told many times in the past and it always appears thry were right.

I'm fed up of pretending all the time, pretending to be interested, pretending because I'm afraid to offend. Pretending because I don't really know what I want in life. Pretending because its what everyone else expect I do.

I mentioned this to my cousin in America who was angry at me for being like this, that farming "is my heritage" that my parents, grandparents and great grandparents would be dissapointed....(even if they're dead? Why would they care?)

Wished I did brick laying or an electrician in college all those years, then go abroad, better than this unprofitable boring job and boring life choices, working with farm animals and hoping buyers in the market will give something for them, and my dad and farmers moaning about sheep and cattle and how unprofitable farming is these days.

I lost interest in them especially sheep. Working for almost nothing, getting no thanks for it, just boredom.

I was brought up to beleive this is what I should be doing... so I tried to be interested.

I regret not doing something different before when I was younger. But I was too pathetic, stuck in my inner self pitty, hatred and mistrust, easy to take advantage of that I decided to nearly isolate myself.

Being a builder or electrician or something in construction could be bad if I mishear or misunderstand someone, I suck at maths anyways,so i have no idea if i could really do them, or they're just fantasies.

I have no motivation to go to college, especially in my 30s.

We are doing a holiday home up, I wanted to try teach myself plastering, painting and decorating, but still, my dad won't let me do it alone, always finds a fault, saying its not easy as I think or making excuses.

I seen how they do it on YouTube....but that's not good enough....

Same with driving farm machinery, I can drive a tractor, but can't do much like cut hay incase the blades break or there's a rock in the field.

Then moans to my mom a few years back that I'm the moans useless person in this area.

Nobody trusts me. I don't even trust myself sometimes.

To make it worse, I am always unwell with something, my head still feels like something heavy inside, my back always hurts, especially the lower back, and my hands and feet feel numb sometimes, plus I get burning feeling down my arm.

These feelings help me procrastinate.

I am sick and tired of waiting for these feeling to go, I feel seeing a doctor again and again is a waste of time, and I don't like to hassle them.....I'll lrobably get another bloodbtest, because I'm too thick anx blank to explain everything.....

still a part of me hopes it's cancer or something like brain aneurysmand it kills me suddenly, but its been there for 3 years, multiple symptoms.

I can't sleep at night, I hate sleeping at night, I end up awake till 1 or 2am, doing stuff on the tablet like youtubing and yeah I watch porn to distract myself....then wake up in the morning feeling tired, wish I could still go back to sleep or never wake up again.

I hate waking up to the same cycle over and over again.

Last Friday I felt so fed up, I was in town at the time and felt like jumping off a bridge, but anxiety got the best of me, it's quite high, It was just a thought....I don't want anyone seeing or identifying my corpse.

Sometimes I feel like booking a one way ticket out of here, let them do what they like with the farm and not come back or dissapear....must be better than suicide I guess....

But my mind is so full of guilt and unable to let go.

We live on this planet, then I don't know what happens next, it doesn't sound exciting..

I fear death, dying and old age, especially old age. I don't know what's the point of all of this anymore, you live then you die. Why am I me, why am I here....

Time seems to fly so fast.... its scary.

I did CBT, found it boring it wasnt as easy as I expected and it's hard for the therapist to understand, it helps with dealing with anxiety though...

[hypercat54]

Hi sorry to hear how you are feeling. On reading through your post one thing strikes me very hard - your parents are terrified of you leaving them and the farm. I think they are calling you names out of fear that you will leave and by doing so you won't have the confidence to leave. This is exactly what is happening isn't it! The more they run you down and erode your confidence the more they know you will stay with them.

From my perspective in my 60's you are very young yet and have your whole life ahead of you so you have plenty of time yet. But you do need to get moving because the next thing you know you will be 40.

I think you need to start tackling your social problems because life would be better for you if you had friends and maybe they could be a springboard to a different life for you. x

[JtimmyT in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks for your advice,they're not calling me names, it's some other people but usually if I do ridiculous things without thinking sometimes, my dad would go angry ir feel embarassed about it. Yeah I get the guilt tripping though, before, I do have some friends but they live far, and I don't really like opening up, I feel kinda embarrassed about it.

[hypercat54]

Oh just checked and I see you are in the UK. Surely your parents get their state pensions by now so aren't dependent financially on the farm? x

[JtimmyT in reply to hypercat54]

Yeah, well, my dad does, we also get government grants for wildlife conservation, helps pay the bills, which majority of spending goes to. They don't seem to want to sell up or live in the town, it would be too difficult. I tried suggesting it once, but nah....just want to carry on.

[hypercat54 in reply to JtimmyT]

Well you are entitled to your own life so why not do what you want? I still think your folks are guilt tripping you to make you stay. If they had your best interests at heart they would be encouraging you to live your own life. x

[gogogirl in reply to JtimmyT]

Sounds like they want you to live their life which is not working for you. I agree- I do not have kids but parents should encourage kids to find their niche , and help them find something that is their strength and is practical. Some day your parents will be gone, and then what?

[Jdavid2000]

I'm nearly 40 and I don't feel like an adult. Life is great but sometimes it craps on us and sometimes our own brains won't let us enjoy it. Please PM me; I think we could talk for a while.

[gerg]

I understand a lot about how you are feeling. I have been working with some similar issues. What I am working on is called “lifetraps”. These usually start early in life, but stick with us through adulthood.

I am working on something called subjugation, and perceived subjugation. It is usually done without malice, but it can be devastating.

I believe that I cannot change things until I know what it is that I have to change. Like I said, I am just working on this so I don’t have many answers. It took me a long time to figure this out, so I hope this helps and you do not have to struggle as long as I did.

[gerg in reply to gerg]

P.S. I give you this information because I don’t think that you are one bit thick. I think that it is the opposite and that you can have a bright future, no matter what you do for a living.

[gerg in reply to gerg]

P.S.2. Try searching “emotional subjugation” or “schemas” (I think that is how it is spelled).

[Hidden]

You're only 30, people go to college at whatever age they want, it's all about what your dreams are and chasing after them, you said you feel like you wasted your 20s don't do the same with your 30s, pick a goal build a plan and do it. Stop waiting or you will regret not only your 30s but the ones that follow

[gogogirl in reply to Hidden]

Some people even try different careers in middle age- so go for it. Also, if you have some short term memory problems- I wonder if it's anxiety over being called a failure? Plus some people who have these issues might have learning challenges in certain areas that can be worked around. These days at least in the USA there are a lot more ways to deal with this. Is there a way for you to get hold of your school records and see what is there? It might give you and your parents a better understanding. I can't give you advice, but having an appointment book and color coding I find helps. Thank you for coming to the site. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and no one is perfect. Remember that.

[Tikirob]

Hello. I can relate to your post in some ways. When I was diagnosed with a Mental Health Disorder I remember having a deep sadness for all the things I never did and somethings I may not do. I also remember for the first starting to forgive myself for being, “ a waste of life.” I spent a life trying things I could never complete. I procrastinated religiously and felt deep guilt for not being successful at any one thing. I was always being told advice by others without a compassion for my mental health disorder. At some point I just felt like an alien.

Over time I realized I never asked for the world I was living in. By that I mean my mind. No bruises for people to look at and see my pain. My mind is a place of discomfort that my family and friends only get a glimpse of and they don’t have to live with it all day.

And I want you to understand that please. That your family has no idea how it is to live with your mind. And the fact you are still alive, still able to be a son, cousin, a sensitive being, a nice person, while contending with the struggles of mental discomfort is something you need to give yourself credit for and honestly they should too.

It’s not your fault that you have some socialization quirks, or cant remember some short term deatails, anyone in your situation would be that way and trust me these people have no way to truly understand what you are going through.

I can hear it in your writing that you are a considerate and thoughtful journal. Your perspective is interesting and you have a personality. There are many linear thinking people that have none of those qualities.

Keep writing. Maybe you are a writer...And maybe that’s the best way to let people know what’s going on within you.

Give yourself credit, you may not be doing the things you want to now but understand it’s not completely your fault and for someone with a unique condition you are doing well.

[samjon1]

Hello JtimmyT, so sorry that you have gone through all that, you have explained to the points that majority of us here go through. You are best at reflecting the inside out, and the truth. Almost whatever you have said is reflecting my inside. It is such a long post and am sorry that am out of ideas to encourage you at the moment, but I will say you are not alone

[gogogirl]

What kind of job do you have that is so boring? Also in what country are you? Sounds like you are being way too hard on yourself. I like what hypercat said really. It's hard but your cousin in the USA has no right to bully you like that. When people criticize or bully they are trying to control. Why not talk with them and reassure them that you are not abandoning them, but you are exploring your own path. Your parents bullying is pathetic.

[Hawaiiguy]

I’ve been feeling like I’ve been getting worst and worst as the day goes by. I’ve been getting cramps in my body and muscle locks and tingling and numbness. I know what you’re going through. I’m just trying to figure what’s going on with me.