Feel paralysed and unable to talk. Big deal posting this while I feel like this.

Sometimes I can feel so ashamed of myself and like Im not worth talking to anyone. I can really isolate myself and not feel able to talk, message etc. I just hide away. I guess it feels like Im unworthy of interaction and will do something wrong when I feel like this. I get really paralysed and lonely. I know it comes from since I was 8 and I felt so much shame for sexual experiences I had with my uncle (gosh, it makes me feel sick just typing it out like that 😨). I was conditioned to believe I was shameful and horrible from when I was small. I linked the isolation and idea I dont deserve company with the shame of everything I felt. I guess sometimes all these feelings get triggered strongly. I get really poorly sometimes. Ive felt this all my life but lately it feels so paralysing. I feel alot of guilt and emptiness.

I need to talk more I think but sometimes I worry that if I do I wont be able to talk again for all the shame I fear I would feel. I can struggle so much and I worry it would just paralyse me to open up any more. I worry I would run away and hide and never talk to anyone again (or at least run from the people who I have opened up to).

Just feel so paralysed and struggle to talk right now.

[Tillymay]

I really do feel for you! But your doing the right thing talking about it.It will help you letting it out.You shouldn’t feel ashamed you were a child,You didn’t do wrong! You were innocent,It should be your uncle that should live with the shame and the guilt in his life.Im pleased your letting this out sending kind thoughts your way.xxx

[Hidden in reply to Tillymay]

Thank you xxx

[Tillymay in reply to Hidden]

I do hope your feeling a bit better tomorrow.you will have bad days but remember it’s better to talk if you can.take care xxx

[Hidden in reply to Tillymay]

Thank you I appreciate the kind words. Yes, you take good care too 🌷🌻🦋 xxx

[Trying1268]

I hope that you have had counseling for your sexual abuse. I am so sorry that you have had to go through that in your life.

Remember, first and fore most YOU were the Child in that scenario! Your Uncle the adult should have known better, he should be the one feeling ashamed for harming a child in that way. You have NO reason to feel ashamed in anyway!

I want to share with you that at the moment, I wish I could be alone. I am currently terrified of being alone. So in a way, I envy you for being so strong.

Stay strong, I hope that you feel better soon.

[Hidden in reply to Trying1268]

Thank you 🌻

[EllaAlexandra]

Agree so much with what others said! No reason to feel ashamed! It happened to you and that is hard enough. So good you are opening up! I heard yesterday 'shame is the voice of self-sabotage', recognize it for what it is and dont let it guide you!

[Hidden]

You are right it all relates back to your past. I understand the guilt you feel, but it’s ok to talk about how you feel.

I’m going to be honest here, those were not sexual experiences, that was rape and sexual abuse. There is a difference, you were a child. Sadly that is what sexual abuse does it makes us feel shame and horrible but it’s the person doing the sexual abuse that should feel shame, not you. You have done nothing wrong. Why do you think you’ve been triggered recently? Is it spending more time with your mum?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

😢

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I’m sorry if that was harsh? Was it? I meant all that from a place of care x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Its ok. I know.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

No it wasnt harsh. Just very....I dont even know the word....just 'powerful'

I think thats the right word.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I’m genuinely so sorry I made you cry. I just know from my own experience I had to use the correct words for me to truly understand and accept what happened to me. I struggled saying the word rape for ages but it helped me be more at peace with it all, if that makes sense xx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

It makes sense 💙💚💞💕🤗

[EllaAlexandra in reply to Hidden]

I am sorry to make this comment, as it is maybe a bit detached, but it is so eye-opening that the comments made here and below made such an impression on you. I wondered before why people feel shame about being on the receiving end of abuse. For me the way butticups and hypercat present it, is stating the obvious. It is how I see it too. But mayne you faltily came to believe it was youe fault. It is so good they put this down so explicitly as it seems you feel responsible for something you absolutely have zero blame in! It seems so obvious from the outside, that this history doesnt reflect poorly on you, it only does on your uncle! I m glad butticups and hypercat made these comments, as it seems very helpful!

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

I agree with Butticups. Don't downplay these as 'sexual experiences'. They weren't - they were rape and that is against the law. This is probably the worst thing that can happen to a child. It's bad enough when it happens to anyone but for a child it will be extremely traumatising.Have you ever told anyone about it? Your family? Have you ever confronted your uncle? Has he ever been charged? You might find more peace of mind if he is. I hope you are no contact with him at all.

You were never to blame as it wasn't your fault, only his. Don't blame yourself at all, it was he who chose to do these awful things to you.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I have tears rolling down my face after reading that.

[Luna-blade]

Why should you feel guilt and shame while the real culprit should feel so! You did nothing wrong but you were led to feel so! Please get out of your cocoon and prove to yourself that you are really strong since expressing your emotions proves you already are! Don’t think that people out there are better than you or don’t have their own problems! We all do have our issues but it’s just that you are gifted with more sensitivity. Life is nice to dwell on this incident. Cheer up, be confident and just live!! God be with you 😊

[jrgallaghe]

I get the idea that you must be BRAVE to post this! Richard G.

[Hidden]

It’s true. You were the innocent child in the situation with your Uncle. You own no shame at all. Please get therapy to help you let that go. Don’t let it ruin any more of your life. We all are so hard on ourselves and there is no need.

[Hidden]

I'm sure that there are many on here that would like to talk to you. Including me! x

[wcolor]

Same here. Sending a big hug~

[Luna-blade]

Why do people tend to criticize others when they are trying to help. I find your comment unnecessary specially that you are addressing someone who’s been in all types of abuse. Don’t you think I know how hard it is to be physically and emotionally abused! Well I lived that since I was a child and I’m still trying to cheer myself up despite everything!!

[Hidden in reply to Luna-blade]

Its ok. I know you both mean well and I appreciate both of your care and compassion Thank you 🌻💙🌼💛🌷

[Luna-blade in reply to Hidden]

No need to thank me. After all, we are all here because more or less we share the same pain 💕💕💕

[Hidden]

Get therapy. Millions and millions of people have had similar experiences as yours. You were not an adult at the time. You are feeling toxic guilt unnecessarily. Children who are depressed, lonely or neglected are often victims of sexual misconduct. Don't let it rule your life. Learn to be your own best friend. Read about Oprah Winfrey's similar experience with a family member.

[Poppypig]

Bless you, and I know it's no good saying that it's not your fault (even if it clearly isn't) because that is at the centre of trauma and sadly it's almost the only way you can feel in control. You need proper therapy, you've been courageous talking to us now please talk honestly to a GP that you trust, just give them a letter if you can't say the words out loud - you deserve to lose the shame and live happily x