Why bother?

[nicetry]

Hello everyone. Just wanted to tell someone how bad I’m feeling this morning. Second day in a row, I had my morning’s errands, etc., planned out, but was so sad and crying so hard I couldn’t leave the damn bedroom. I keep thinking that if this is how my life is going to be why bother living it? I’ve been in a depressive episode for a long time & I am starting to think it’s never going to end.

[Flyingdon]

Hang in there, you are not alone. Think as positive as you can, get some rest, and definitely talk to your doctor.

[Starrlight]

Hi Nicetry. I’m sitting here in a small room by myself because it’s all too much. I got my kids to school, so I try to give myself credit and I do all the work that really has to be done but then I completely isolate. Feel alone. I hear you that you have been depressed. It happens but it lifts. Sometimes our tears can be healing. After every difficulty comes ease. I hope you feel better soon.

[nicetry in reply to Starrlight]

Thanks for your kind words. I do the same: run the errands I have to, then go home and sit alone. I don’t even really clean the house anymore & can’t do my beloved gardening bc of a back problem.

[Starrlight in reply to nicetry]

I can so relate. Cleaning is a hard one for me too. So sorry about your back. I wonder if there’s anything else you like to do to get your mind off things.

I’m so tired of depression. Lately I try so hard to lift myself up, be strong and all that... but I’m at a loss today. I will pick up my kids and I will make lasagna but for now I just sit here almost unable to move I’m so tired and unmotivated.

[nicetry in reply to Starrlight]

I feel ya. 😢

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Sounds like you are not depressed. I think you are lonely and not the type of person that likes being alone.

Could you make friends by joking a group or taking up a hobby?

[nicetry in reply to Hidden]

No I’m def depressed (and anxious). One thing that keeps me alive is my wonderful husband, who has been beyond supportive. I have a few close friends who I can call at any hour and am also very close w/my sister. But not all my friends know of my mental illness. (I do like your suggestion of joining a group ...)

My hobby is mixed media collage — I actually sell my stuff — but sometimes I’m too depressed to do that.

[Hidden in reply to nicetry]

Yes joining not joking. iPhone typo. Fat fingers.

Try swimming it’s great. I have severe chronic anxiety.

After a swim I feel great.

Anxiety and depression together is awful. They ride on the backs of each other.

I am mostly anxious but I do get down sometimes.

I started therapy last week. Day 2 tomorrow.

I have sever insomnia. Average 3 hours of I’m lucky.

Best of luck to you. You have your family.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

I have people around me when I choose. I have my family especially, a large one. It’s just hard to be around people right now. I have a lot on my mind and everything seems overwhelming.

[nicetry in reply to Starrlight]

I’m the same way, Starrlight. Both my husband and I are from large Irish Catholic families, making family gatherings hellish. I’m already anxious about the fact that I have to leave in four hours to teach a Pilates class.

[Hidden in reply to nicetry]

Tell me about it. I’m from Cork.

We’re the family from hell.

Always bickering.

Luckily I got out of it and came to London.

[nicetry in reply to Hidden]

Clare and Galway on my side, Monaghan on my husband’s.

[Hidden]

Have you heard of Ketamine Infusion Therapy for treatment resistant depression.

Reports are very promising.

bit.ly/2IwachE

[nicetry in reply to Hidden]

Yes, I had this done during its clinical trials at the Cleveland Clinic. The doctor told me at that time that if I didn’t have a response after 2 infusions, it’s not going to work for me. I had no response.

Though I have heard more recently that new research shows that some severe depression requires more infusions. I will ask my doc next time I see her.

[Hidden in reply to nicetry]

I hope to get it done someday. I contacted the clinic and they said it helps with anxiety too.

[nicetry in reply to Hidden]

I’m not sure whether my insurance covers it. They cover ECT, but I won’t do that again. Bad experience & little reward.

[Hidden in reply to nicetry]

There is only 1 clinic in UK that does it. It’s in Oxford. It hasn’t been released to the NHS yet.

The price is ok, you get the consultation with the psychiatrist and 3 infusions for around £800.

Further infusions are £195.

It is very expensive in US I understand. Probably thousands.

[nicetry in reply to Hidden]

Yes, I’m in the US & it is extremely expensive. Too bad, I was in England last year. I have relatives in Yorkshire.

[Saltwater]

Hi there nicetry. I am so sorry that you are struggling with this. Depression can be the worst some times. Some times we put a brave face on it all and push it down, but other times the smiles don't come easy and the pain shows. Today, I have had a good day. I went to a pumpkin patch. They are not all like that. Some days are hard. Very hard.

It does us good to let others know we are struggling sometimes. That is part of the problem. We so often keep our struggles to ourselves, keeping up our polished exterior, afraid to let people know we are hurting.

I scurry around some days like I don't have a care in the world and other days, I am broken and holed up in my room. A friend once told me that we should not be afraid to crumble. Once the cracks show, that's how the light gets in....that's how we show we need some help and accept that we may be just a little bit broken inside. I think it comes from a poem by Leonard Cohen about light in the darkness.

Cracks can be beautiful and bring about healing.

Some of the best pieces of art are cracked, flawed and fragile but still, they are priceless. You are too.

Hang in there and don't be afraid to let the cracks show. Tomorrow will be a good day.

[nicetry in reply to Saltwater]

Thank you Saltwater.