Suicide.. Why not?!?

I want to die, why is suicide illegal? I'm obsessed thinking about it like every hour of every day. Meds and therapy aren't helping whatsoever, but my psychiatrist and therapist both say it's going to take more time, be patient. I feel like it's OK to want to die if a person like me is 'over it', truly can't hang anymore, have nothing to live for and feel hopeless all day. I don't want to live each day being bi-polar with manic/depression, RLS, PTSD, endless awful thoughts, guilt, paranoia, regret, and anxiety anymore. I should be allowed to end my life or go to a hospital and be euthanized. Yes, I've heard and know how selfish and painful suicide is for our loved ones a million times, I get it, but friends and family who haven't been in my (or our) shoes don't understand what this feels like and the hopeless recovery I'd rather not battle any longer. Maybe family and friends should try to understand and grasp the idea that's it's 'my choice'. Life's not fair I know, but it's not selfish, it's my life and I've been here for 40years now and I really don't see how this is ever going to get better. I'm exhausted, this is no quality of life and there really is no way to repair how I got here, or the horrible choices I made or the people I have hurt and the relationships I have destroyed along the way. Maybe I should be 5150'd again for a much longer time, then I can be monitored and put through more trials of meds and not be at home feeling so hopeless? I have told my psychiatrist and therapist that I think about suicide and wanting to die all the time. I really am alone, I believe that sometimes in death there is light and peace for me and some of us. I also know a million people will disagree and say that I'm crazy and things can and will get better with time and patience.. But come on now, how much more time and patience and meds and therapy and blah blah blah, I'm over it and I'm ready to look death in the eye. I'm helpless and hopeless, should I really I feel bad or have to apologize for that?!?

23 Replies

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  • Wow! That was well-written and meaningful! Thanks for sharing!

    It's such a common thought when stuck in the "black hole". It's impossible to accept that life could possibility feel better.

    "Talking about suicide saves lives."

    That's a powerful statement!

  • When I first read it too I thought wow as well. I got it from Psyche Central which has lots of info and I have learnt a lot from that site.

    It's someone telling it exactly how it is from their own experience and more importantly how they hold the feelings at bay.

  • Please please PLEASE admit yourself to the hospital. I was where you are. They really can help you!

  • Great post.

  • What hospital would I admit myself to? You can't just go to a psyche ward or mental health facility.. and I don't wanna go they the ER and being transferred to a psyche hospital routine again.. so need a rehab type situation but I don't know who will take me without insurance or cash.

  • Call a place e called

    C.O.P.E they help no cash needed they will admit you if u ask them it's only a 3 day hod but it's better than nothing at all

  • I don't see anything online for C.O.P.E. besides a COPE health scholars enrollment program at UCLA and a Middle School. Can you send me their info please?

  • I can understand not saying it's right or wrong. If you ever want to pm we can.

  • This is absolutely not a right or wrong situation. Nor should you feel the need to apologize or feel bad. I agree that you should seek some inpatient help, sometimes getting "away" from the chaos can help your brain to clear from the fog depression causes. Go voluntarily and you will more likely feel empowered by taking control over this. It has taken me years to accept that I am not my depression. Best wishes!!

  • Hey Marquis.. How do you voluntarily admit yourself to inpatient care? I've been to the ER after having a Xanex withdrawal and huge meltdown and put on a 5150 72/hr hold and transferred to a psyche ward by I wanted to go to a rehab because of my Xanex dependency.. But at the psyche ward they just gave me more benzos and a couple anti-depressants for my first time. Now I'm in out patient treatment on Prozac and Seroquel XR but I have many unstable moments and I think about suicide all the time.. I don't know how to get other help for this on-going issue. My therapist and psychiatrist both said an in-patient facility would interfere with my current treatment and they know I'm not doing well. It's getting very frustrating cuz I'm not leaving the house or haven't left the house in weeks other then for my doctor appts or taking care of myself very well.

  • I'm so sorry for the situation ur going thru - it does feel hopeless & miserable. Someone said that u shouldn't feel the need to apologize for ur feelings & I agree. But it sounds like maybe ur meds aren't right, u said this is ur first time on antidepressant meds? It took me 4 or 5 different meds/med combos to find something that worked. I also had a doctor who was willing to try & keep trying & then refer me to someone when she knew my situation was out of her scope. Have u thought about switching doctors? That may not be possible if u don't have insurance, but if possible, it may benefit u to switch things up a bit. Xanax dependency must be rough... It's kind of a catch 22 bc u need the anti-anxiety meds, but u don't wanna be addicted to them either. Do u take all ur meds as prescribed or do u take less/more than ur doctor ordered? (Not to say u do, but some of us - me included at times - tend to not follow doctor orders sometimes & over or self medicate) So no judgement at all, just wanting a clearer picture of ur situation. Regarding ur desire to commit suicide, I don't have any good, life changing advice. But I know that, in my case, I was shocked when I told people I wanted to die - the people who stepped up & said "I love u & want u around" & truly meant it, was just crazy to me bc I really thought nobody cared anymore. I hope u get the help u need & truly deserve! Bc u mean the world to someone in this world & u deserve to be as happy as possible. Do us all a favor, will u? Try just ONE MORE TIME. Just once more. Get different meds, different doctors, anything u think could help. Check in to inpatient, they can't turn u away if have a history of suicide attempts or currently have a suicide plan & declare intent to carry it out. (I'm a nurse & a former mental health tech, they can't deny u immediate treatment for suicidal plans anymore than they can turn away a patient having a cardiac event) I hope this helps u in some way!

  • I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I guess I should've asked where you live as I'm sure it must be different place to place. I'm confused as to why your psychiatrist and therapist both feel inpatient would interfere with your treatment. Most outpatient consult with inpatient clinicians for continuity of care. I know this doesn't always happen if your clinicians don't consult with each other. How long has it been since you withdrew from Xanax and started the Prozac and Seroquel XR? Most of those take 2-4 weeks for effectiveness. A side effect of some antidepressants is suicidal thoughts ironically. When your thinking begins to clear a little I think that's when it realizes how crappy it feels....sorta like deep depression/anxiety make you feel nothing/numb which sucks. But, the initial stage of taking antidepressants can feel like forever! Again, I don't know your whole situation.

    As for being admitted "voluntarily" that is a misnomer in some regard, technically you can't sign out for at least 3 days I think for psych evaluation to ensure safety. But, by signing in "voluntarily" you aren't "pink papered" or 5150. It's kinda dumb I guess but feels better when you "agree" to treatment instead of being made to go against your will. I guess that's what I meant, working with your psychiatrist/therapist on a plan to feel better which might include inpatient stay.

  • Jdboyle 1: do not give up. You feel hopeless but you are not hopeless. You are not your illness. Recognize your illness as a an entity in and of itself. And then tell it hell no. Or at least recognize that the negative thoughts are your illness trying to take you away. Tell it not today. JusT not today. Then try that again tomorrow. You are loved and valuable.

  • Suicide is an individual's choice. My sister is a crisis clinician who works with youth, and she told me that in some countries it's completely legal to commit suicide. That the state will even provide you with means to.

    Mental health issues are real and sometimes they don't get better. Just because we can't see them as physical manifestations doesn't mean they aren't as harsh as terminal cancer or something just as unbearable.

    Speaking from my experience, when I wanted to commit suicide I decided to shake up my life. I left my home for three days, got some clarity and decided that I did have people and plans to live for. But that's my experience.

    I would like to believe that everyone can find at least two things that keep them going, but if you can't that's fine. I honor you and your decision to do what's best for you.

    Also have you read The Rosie Project? It's not about suicide, but it's one of my favorite books and I definitely think you should read it before you make a decision.

  • Please don't take your life. Call the suicide prevention line at 1-800-273-8255. If I could meet with you in person I would and give you a hug and tell you that I know it's really tough. No one asks to have a mental disorder and that's why we are all here on health unlocked. To share our stories and let each other know you are never alone. Do you believe in God? He has saved me and I know he can do the same for you. I dealt with depression and anxiety until I reached out to God and asked for his help is when I started to see a change. I encourage you to watch Joel Osteen on YouTube or XM Sirius radio. He has made a huge impact on my life. I know he can encourage you today to stop the negative thinking. You have a purpose to be here and I will help anyway I can. Don't give up hope. Your stronger then you think. I'm praying for you. God Bless you!

  • Thank you Daisy. I do believe in God and I've been a Christian most of my life I jay don't go to church anymore. I do pray, my mom prays her while church prays for me to find some peace and recovery. Everyday just seems the same and same days even feels worse. I've attempted suicide before by trying to OD myself on pain killers and I have a history of substance abuse, either of those should have killed me by now but I'm still here and no matter what I share or read or meds I take nothing feels better.. I just don't see a way out of this mess.

  • You are meant to be here for a reason. The fact that you attempted suicide before and thank God you didn't pass away, your still here. Please don't ever give up. I know things will eventually get better for you. I'm praying for you and will be hopeful.

  • DON'T Give up.....most of us have been where you are, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I wish I had the perfect answer for you but there is no one solution for everybody. I know that I was on medications and seeing a counselor for a few years before I got better but I got better and so can you. Take little steps every day, whatever you fear do it in little baby steps. Then celebrate whatever you accomplish that day. That's what helped me. Don't stay locked up in your house, isolation is the worst thing for you. Your mind will take you places you don't won't to go.

  • Hello. I read your post today and just want to tell you how very sorry I am that you are feeling this way. I'm sure I speak for many people on here when I say that we truly care about you and hope that you will find relief to your suffering and that you will have the strength to find help. It is not easy, but please, please don't give up. Never give up.

  • Thank you Mitch. It's just really hard right now and I just lack seeing how I can ever get out of this darkness, it's overwhelming most of the time I'm sure you can understand since you've been in my shoes.. I can't seem to help or want to help myself get better and I keep dwelling on the past and can't move myself forward..

  • If it feels overwhelming or impossible to turn things around on your own, then please reach out to someone today who can hold your hand and help you. Everyone has moments in life where they simply can't do it by themselves. Please let me - or this group - know if you need us to contact someone on your behalf who you trust and can help.

  • What Mitch said... we are here for u. We can let u vent, give u advice from our personal experiences, whatever u think will help. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Ok?! I promise, even if it's just to chat on here, ur never alone. I know it feels that way in the midst of a bad time, tho. I get that 100%... it's so flippin hard to claw & scrape ur way back out of the hole, but ur stronger than u give yourself credit for. I've said it so many times, these illnesses are not for the weak. We are not weak! Don't let ur brain & this illness talk u into believing all that mess. I really feel a med change may help u - some antidepressants do cause increased suicidal thoughts... I took celexa for about 10 days & nearly lost all good sense (& I wasn't working with much to begin with😕)! Good luck & let us know what u feel would help.

    P.S. listen to the song "Keep Your Eyes Open" by Need to Breathe, it's a contemporary Christian song that is reminiscent (to me) of someone speaking about suicide. I don't think that's actually what it's about, but that's how it spoke to me! Give it a listen...❤

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