Suffering through depression and if I should stay in my relationship

[meraki]

Hi all,

I am new here and I look forward to connecting with this community. I don't know if there is advise for me out there, but needed a place to share so this is it. I am married to my best friend. We have been together for over ten years, have a beautiful life overall and are on the same page for most of our life. Where we hit bumps is his need for non monogmas relationships. While I don't have any major issues with them, I am the type of person who wants to do them together. He has wanted to have a one-off relationship. I knew he was like this when we got together, but we had talks and found a path we were both ok with. Well, for many reasons we find ourselves here now. He told me in July that he was going to pursue this relationship. While he is trying to make me apart of it, by letting me be apart of rules and times, ect.. the fact is I have no choice in this. I am struggling because I don't know if this is the type of life I want. I am struggling because our life is so good for the majority, but this part is killing us. I have gained weight, become depressed and just feel like I am falling into a deep abyss that I don't know If I can come back from. Part of me wants to see if I can find a way to accept this, in the hopes that the majority of our life will be enough. Part of me feels that I will never accept this and are we staying together and causing each other pain for no reason. I don't know what to do. I do know that I have to focus on me. I have to find a way to get healthy, to become stronger and to get my own life back on track. I know that sounds selfish, but I don't know what else to do at this point. Any good vibes would be appreciated.

[kenster1]

hi I think its wrong and not you.its bordering on controlling the relationship to me and whos to say he aint cheated before maybe im wrong though.

[Nicole84]

Well whatever is going on there and no matter how uncertain you are, how much you can accept, if you will accept, i'm pretty sure you will put in balance what is best for you and you will make the right decision. Sometimes is hard to make the right decision, but you will eventually. But you right when you said you have to think for youself, you deserve it, and before anyone and everything you have to be ok with yourself. When you will feel good about you, and comfortable with your decisions that is the thing that will take you out o depression. I just got to my normal self after few months of deep suffering depression and extreme anxiety. Every little thing that you will do will make feel better, beautiful, worthy, self esteem and all the good things that you will need to overcome this stage, but you need to do something. Start taking care of you first, go jogging, go to gym, go out with your friends, interact with people, go to hairdressers, just do something, don't just look at you and complain you maybe gain weight or things like that, is not gonna help. And about hom, well you knew from the beginning what kind of needs he has and you accepted, there was no quaranty that he will stay with you forever, like there is no quaranty in any relationship. Taking in consideration your needs and what you feel about all this situation is not selfish, is normal. Just love yourself more. You can have the perfect life togheter but this aspect will hunt you at every step and in time your will become more frustrated. If it worth it than you will have to accept his relationship, if is not worth it than you will have to decide what you really want. You and only you are responsible for whatever happens in your life, because every decision will have some effect in time, think about if you are ready to accept the consequences of your decisions. What was good for 10/20 years for you, and for you two it may not be the same now.

[meraki in reply to Nicole84]

Hi Nicole,

Thank you for taking the time to respond and to give me plenty to think about. I do agree that taking time to focus on me and my needs will be a big help to whatever ends up happening on the home front.

[Abestar]

I like Nicole’s answer.

I’d also like to add is that whilst this is a exceptionally tough call, all that’s happened is that you’ve temporarily lost your footing. Please remember to put yourself in the centre as this is your life and your key responsibility is to yourself. Putting someone else’s wishes or requirements first, only results in internal resistance- whether it’s emotional, physical or spiritual. This is not you being selfish. The person you are accountable to is yourself, just as he is.

You know deep down what the right answer is for you. How do you know? Because it is in alignment with your values. Listen to that inner wisdom and you won’t go far wrong. You’re already heading in the right direction. Xx

[meraki in reply to Abestar]

HI Abestar,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and helping remind me that I have to step up and be a voice for myself. I appreciate that!