First time in a support group. Hoping... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support

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First time in a support group. Hoping to find people I can relate to and get advice from.

GingerHoney profile image

Hello, I just joined this support group because I am living in a place where I am completely isolated and am struggling with my anxiety and depression. I am in a relationship with a man (who is not home 95% of the time due to work) and he blames every problem in our relationship on me and my anxiety. He gets very angry when I can't control my anxiety or panic attacks and he refuses to speak to me for days even when I beg him and tell him all I need is for him to show he cares about me and be there for me. I just don't know where else to turn. I am hoping to find a community that I can relate to and get help from.

53 Replies

That’s not right. I would ditch that relationship if it were me. You deserve to be treated with dignity respect care and love.

I am hoping that he will learn to be a more caring and supportive person. We are going to start therapy as soon as we can.

I hope he actually agrees to go to therapy with you! How will he have the time if he's not home most of the time??? If he backs out of going to therapy, I would have serious second thoughts on continuing this relationship. He sounds abusive and you deserve someone who is kind and caring. If he truly cares he would try harder to be supportive of you. Obviously those who haven't been through anxiety and depression won't understand it but they can be supportive. Hope things get better for you. Please keep us posted.Sending hugs and support!!

We will have to do therapy with a therapist who offers video sessions. I think he will for sure do therapy because he actually mentions it pretty often about how he is looking forward to it because he has some issues from his childhood he needs to work on as well. I think therapy will be good I just wish I knew how to get him to understand me now. Thank you for your response!

Glad to hear he is open to doing therapy!! Hope everything works out!! Maybe once you guys start therapy the therapist can help him understand you better.....I know it's not easy right now...

It's a big step for him to admit he has problems. You don't know what's under there that may be causing how he reacts to you.

Just remember his reaction is about him. It's hurtful, but it's not your fault you are living with anxiety and panic.

Therapy has helped me in a huge way. Unfortunately at times my anxiety gets the best of me. I try to speak to some and they just don't hear me. They don't understand what I'm feeling.

I wish you luck and hope things get easier for you.

🐬

Welcome Ginger ,I can relate to how loneliness can effect you I have only just started chatting on here .

My anxiety is like having a five stage clinger,

I read that somewhere ,thought it was good description.

But I am lucky enough to have had lots of help ,so much so I haven,t sunk into depression.

But now my free support is finished ,I am looking to do something for myself

GingerHoney profile image
GingerHoney in reply to Madieval

Thank you. Yeah I am.here for support and to talk to people who understand what it's like to have to deal with the same issues that I am dealing with. Nobody in my life understands at all and it's very hard dealing with everything on my own.

GingerHoney profile image
GingerHoney in reply to Madieval

Yes that is a good way to describe it! Maybe I'll try to explain it to him in that way. I am glad to have found this to have the opportunity to talk to people who truly understand what I'm going through.

It is possible that he doesn't understand that you cannot control your anxiety or panic attacks. And like most people; we fear and get angry over things we do not understand. Have you tried asking him how he feels when he's stressed, and when he responds explain to him how you feel when you have anxiety or panic attacks. That when you support and do your best to help him, in return he should help you

I have tried explaining to him exactly what I go through from start to finish with my anxiety attacks and tried telling him that I do my best to control it, but he feels like I should be able to control myself. He says that just because I have these disorders it doesn't mean I am helpless and that I need to just try harder to control it. And he gets very angry any time I bring up any little thing that's not right in our relationship or any little concern I have. It's all blamed on me and my anxiety making my "perceptions of reality wrong". I just don't know how to make him realize that I'm trying my best and that I just need him to show me he cares instead of getting angry and ignoring me for days. Then he will message me acting like nothing ever happened and I have to pretend everything is OK or he gets mad and ignores me more. I just feel lost on what else I can do.

Hi, I’m sorry but if he is ignoring you for days it’s sounds as if there’s something else going on here, a caring partner should be there for you whatever’s going on, you deserve more, good luck

Thank you!

I'm sorry dear, but you deserve someone to treat you good not ignore you. Maybe you should get some space from him. I went thru something similar with my last boyfriend. He never tried to understand, always blamed me for our issues when HE was the one with the issue, not me nor my anxiety. When I decided to get some space from him; I realized I deserved better and I deserved a man who cared enough about me to want to help me thru hard times instead of making my hard time harder.

Yes he definitely does have issues that stem from a traumatic childhood. He has worked on some but he still has a ways to go. I am really hoping we can support each other through healing ourselves. I just wish he could be more supportive even if he doesn't understand.

Did you have the anxiety issues when you met? Was he accepting of them then? If so…. Sounds like there could be something else going on. You deserve better.

GingerHoney profile image
GingerHoney in reply to Kamgal5

I had anxiety issues when we first met but I didn't tell him about them much. We weren't living together and it was still in the honeymoon stage so to speak. My anxiety took a turn for the worst last year when my mom was very sick with cancer and I haven't been able to get myself out if it so thats when he started getting frustrated.

That sounds like abuse to me. Only you can decide whether the relationship is worth saving. Personally, I would get out of there while you still have some will left. But the decision has to be yours.

Cheers, Midori

GingerHoney profile image
GingerHoney in reply to Midori

Thank you. I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about leaving. I'm going to give it my all and try therapy but if he still can't support me and show he cares after we are in therapy for a while then I can't see the relationship working out.

Sounds like gaslighting. Try to love yourself more; he is not with you most of the time, so you need to allow yourself to be happy without him and get used to it. Being happy without anyone "making you happy" is likely to be a cure for several ills.

Yes I am trying to find different ways to keep myself healthy so I don't have to rely on him. I'm hoping this support group will help me. So far it's been great and I feel like I can relate to everyone which is nice because I don't have anyone in my life who understands me

Not that I’m validating his treatment of you,but it’s a positive sign that he’s willing to accept therapy. If he goes and continues the treatment, there may be reason for you to continue the relationship. What to do until he and you benefit from the therapy? It could take a long time so it’s up to you to determine what to do and if you want to continue to subject yourself to his treatment of you until then. I hope he makes good on his agreement to therapy. I had a husband who refused any kind of counseling to help our marriage. That was the dealbreaker for me. The relief I felt after we parted was indescribable.

GingerHoney profile image
GingerHoney in reply to Isinatra

I believe he really will do therapy. He believes that therapy is a great thing and I am really hoping the therapist might be able to help him understand me more and maybe then he will be more supportive if he understands a little more. I am going to be talking to people on here that understand me in the meantime and not talk to him about my anxiety much until we are in therapy. Hopefully in about a month we will be able to start

It's very strange the way the presence of a third person can help. See the following:Him: You haven't told me yet what you want for Christmas.

Me: Nothing. I just want you to be kind to me.

His daughter: Just be kind to her.

Him: Ok.

Simple as that. A whole month has gone by when he has stopped being so unkind and has even brought me the odd cup of tea! I can hardly believe it, as the (presumably) diabetes-driven nastiness has been going on for about seven years.

Midori profile image
Midori in reply to MaggieSylvie

I can understand the Diabetes Monster, My husband was like that, especially when he had had a skinful!

Cheers, Midori

MaggieSylvie profile image
MaggieSylvie in reply to Midori

Yes, I have noticed that the occasional can of beer can have repercussions - more so than spirits.

Midori profile image
Midori in reply to MaggieSylvie

He would down 2 litres of Cider, (the hard stuff) them go on to Whisky! He was a horror!

MaggieSylvie profile image
MaggieSylvie in reply to Midori

OMG! Nightmare for you. Not good for him either.

Midori profile image
Midori in reply to MaggieSylvie

Certainly wasn't, he took a cocktail of pills and Whisky and died. 30 years ago, ancient history.

MaggieSylvie profile image
MaggieSylvie in reply to Midori

Must have been an awful thing for you to go through. Sad too, when people waste the lives they've been given.

Midori profile image
Midori in reply to MaggieSylvie

My children and I have done far better without him and his family since then.

MaggieSylvie profile image
MaggieSylvie in reply to Midori

So he was his own worst enemy, and you didn't have to go through a messy divorce to achieve a more peaceful life. I am happy for you.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I certainly can feel your anguish. I have had anxiety and panic most of my life and support is so important. The people on this forum are so caring and can give you some great ideas to start feeling hopeful.

I hope that you have a good therapist and dr for any prescription medicines that might be beneficial to you at this point. Do you have close friends or family members to talk to? Reach out and talk when you need.

Take care of yourself. Nurture and find some peace for yourself in prayer, meditation, music, uplifting books, I have been reading Claire Weekes’ books. She is a wealth of information on anxiety and panic. You can find her through the internet. I ordered her books through Amazon as used and where very inexpensive and in good shape. I wish you well and we are all here for you!❤️😊

GingerHoney profile image
GingerHoney in reply to Hope4me1

I do have a good doctor for medication and will be starting therapy hopefully in about a month. This support group has already helped me by making me feel like I am not alone. It's nice knowing that there are people who truly understand what I am going through

hello! first, your relationship sounds like an abusive one. you need support. i attend a weekly zoom support group from NAMI. please check it out. i can also send you a link to mine. we meet every tuesday at 1pm CST. im here for you. tim ps. i also have depression and anxiety.

That sounds like it would be great I do need to get my social anxiety under control a little bit more first though. I can't see myself being able to be on a zoom meeting and have conversations just yet. Thank you so much!

im not trying to push, ok? but just know you dont have to talk and you can leave your camera off and just listen until youre comfortable. just so you know that...

That actually might help me. I think I would like to try that. I appreciate you saying I can just listen until I feel comfortable!

you can find us on the NAMI website, tuesday at 1pm CST, MN. or i can send you a link. mary is the director of our group and you will love her!

Do you know yet what's causing the anxiety and panic attacks?

It will just happen out of nowhere for seemingly no reason. Whenever either of my parents are sick it goes way up. Or any time I am fighting with my boyfriend it gets bad

That's the nature of panic attacks -- they often don't appear to have an external cause. But something is causing them, whether it's biochemical, childhood troubles internalized or a combo of the two or something else. Things will start to get better when you zero in on the cause(s) -- in part because knowing what it is and where it's coming from will make it less scary.

Yeah I am really hoping that once I start therapy it will help me understand better and therefore be able to be more in control of it

I had the same kind of partner. It makes everything worse. Leave him. You deserve someone who is there for you and loves you for all that you are, good and bad. I finally have a man that is totally supportive and patient with my issues as I am patient with his. it has helped my anxiety and depression to have someone who cares.

Yeah I definitely don't see the relationship working if something doesn't change soon. I'm going to try the therapy and see if he can learn to understand me and support me. If he can't do that then there's no way I can stay with him. I'm very happy for you that you have such a great partner! I hope my boyfriend can learn to be that for me, or if it doesn't work out with him I hope to find someone who can be.

That sounds like a good plan! Hang in there. 🤗

Thank you!

Welcome. You will find a lot of support here. There are people that just don't seem to understand what we go through and they don't have the patience to tolerate it. This is the place to vent.

🐬

Thank you, I appreciate it. Honestly just being on this site and having support has already helped me. I'm very grateful to be able to connect with people who understand what I'm going through

That's great :)

It is by no means wrong of him not to support you in your struggle with anxiety and depression. If you are married, the vow was “in good and in evil, in health and sickness”. Do you ever wonder if he is the person for you?

GingerHoney profile image
GingerHoney in reply to lonili

We are not married we have been together for about 2 1/2 years. I love him very much I just want him to be more patient and not be so cold and seemingly careless when I am going through rough patches with my anxiety.

Hello Ginger. Yes, I can relate. Where is it you are from? I hate being alone. And would like to help! -- Martin

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