Build up (Sexual frustration post)

[TheFightGoesOn]

It's been way too long.

For about the 1st 2 years or so it was my fault (really my medications fault) that I could not perform at all. I didn't even have the urge at all. The medications that were given to me for my depression truly killed my sex drive completely. I mean, I could not even get excited enough to do anything to myself even. It was really bad.

I stopped taking all of the medications that were killing my drive. I just couldn't do that anymore to myself nor my husband. It was bad enough that we're getting to the ages that things start happening to those areas anyway. (Going limp for men, in case you needed a little more of a picture.) I even stopped going to therapy.

Ever since I stopped everything, my drive started coming slowly & now is back completely. The only thing, however, that we've done since it has was oral! Nothing more. He can't get "it" to the point I need it to get to do anything else. I need it to get there. I can't handle to settle for just oral all the time. I need more from the man that I've loved for nearly 18 years.

Pills aren't doing anything for him either. It doesn't help that we have a disabled 7-year-old either. I love her to death but she does tend to take, literally, all of our time. Even throughout the night until at least 1 or 2 in the morning, sometimes longer.

Sometimes I remember some dreams that I wake from that were about him & I together, the way that I want us together & I cry! I miss the way it used to be.

I blame myself in so many ways for the way it is today between him & me. I fell into the depression because I lost my father on December 20th, 2013 & then my mother April 15th, 2015. I couldn't handle either of the loses very well so I went to see a shrink & they prescribed me medications. I seen the shrink for roughly a year or so & took the medications for roughly that long too. I stopped taking the medications just about a week after I stopped seeing the shrink.

I keep thinking to myself; if I wasn't such a weak piece of crap, my husband & I would be okay today with our sex life. I never use to be so weak. I use to be really strong. I wasn't this weak when others that I loved very much passed away. But I was when I lost my parents.

I'm craving my husband in ways that he's unable to provide. I don't want to cheat. I've done that a little over 10 years ago & will NEVER do it again. That was before we got married. I love him way too much to do that. And anyway, I'm a little too chunky, I think I'm ugly, & a lot older now, no one wants that crap to have sex with. Every time that I think about maybe cheating, my husband's face comes into my head & my heart breaks. So, I know that I can't do it, no matter what.

My heart wants him & only him.

He's mentioned going to an adult theater with him so that he can watch me do things with other guys & girls that maybe there & so that he can maybe do things with other girls there. I don't want that either. I just want him & only him. I've told him this many times. He always gets so mad at me when I tell him this.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I haven't been on here interacting in a long time because I actually have been doing okay enough aside from this one issue. I mean, granted, I still struggle with my ADHD niece, the 7-year-old that I mentioned just a bit ago in this post. It's honestly a daily struggle that will never end & I learned to finally accept that & just try to learn new ways, every day, to do something different to make it easier on me & her.

I still struggle with my now 19-year-old who just cannot seem to get it through his head that he has to listen to rules & do whatever the program tells him to do to be able to be out on his own. If he doesn't like what's said just zip his mouth, walk away, keep his head up, do what's needed, & he'll get out sooner.

I still struggle with my now 15-year-old daughter who thinks she doesn't have to do anything at all around this house, that mom's the maid, part-time worker, and a person that takes care of disabled child full-time. Same with my husband. He thinks the same way. Plus, I'm not allowed any damned sick days either.

I literally just asked my teen to put away all the dishes, wipe the stove, clean off the counters & wipe them off too, so that I can wash all of the dishes. All she did was put away the dishes. When I mentioned what she did vs what I told her to do, she said; I did what you said & you never asked for more!!! UGH!

I need my husband to be able to provide more than oral to me sometimes, just sometimes because providing me more than that will so, very much so, help release so much of this frustration that I feel every single day.

Anymore, I don't even seek any form of intimacy because I'm sick of getting what I get from him. I just do it myself anymore! It's easier & I get off more in the time that I do it. I mean, he does great with how he does it, I just do it differently. Obviously.

Everyday life has just become more & more frustrating for me. I just can't do it anymore but I have to because I have no choice.

[meraki]

Hi

First, let me say that it sounds like you have so much on your plate! Have you found any time for yourself? Self-care is (IMO) one of the most important things you can do. It is good for yourself and for your relationship. I had someone tell me one time that if you aren't taking care of you, how can you be there for anyone else? To me, it sounds like you have so many things going on they are all getting mushed together. Where is the frustration coming from? Kids, husband, life...ect. I know for me, I can be upset about A and take it out on B because it's easier.

[TheFightGoesOn in reply to meraki]

I do take time for me. I procrastinate a lot so, yes, with that, I do indeed take time for myself. When I procrastinate, I'm on Facebook, watching Netflix, or playing Magic The Gathering Arena or Puzzle Quest. Once I finally decide to do any housework, I'm yelling at myself for not giving myself enough time for doing my housework. While I'm procrastinating, I'm also tending to everything else aside from housework. Phone calls, kids, husband's bitching, etc. One of my games is on the phone, so I take my phone where ever I'm needed. Facebook is on the phone so, I can take that with me too. My depression is still with me too. Anxiety too.

But yes, there's me time. My husband's been pretty decent this weekend by cooking dinner & baking cupcakes while I did the dishes. He tends to do that on weekends & when I work at nights during the week.

I just need what I need aside from that to help release the frustration.

[Nicole84]

Hi. I'm not in your shoes, but still i can understand what you feel about your sexual life. I would say that you should put yourself at least once in a while on first place, second place, third place and then the rest of them. You suffered a huge loss, you need time to properly grive but as well to understand that your spirit didn't lose anyone. They will come in other form in other life. Is important to know to let go those who are not here anymore, don't keep them tracked. I'm sure you love all your family members a lot, but you have to take care of your needs first. The fact that your husband mentioned he wants to watch you doing things and maybe he can do too, it sounds to me that he already was thinking of cheating but maybe is not brave enough to do it. Maybe if you go with him to the adult theatre and he will do with other girls he will not have to feel guilty about it because you will be therr too. Sometimes is good to reflect to our needs, physical, emotional, mental and to take action. Even though you married for 18 years people change, the spark change, feelings change. What i will do if i will have to handle all your situations: if i feel enough is enough o will plan a weekend away, make myself beautiful, go to massage, hire a gigolo, spend time togheter, maybe haxe sex with too, release all my stress, enjoy the moment, and at the end of the weekend go back home to my life, responsibilities, husband, children and act like nothing happened. Nobody is really ugly, every human being is beautiful in their forms, imperfections and ages. Is just our perception about what we think is beautiful or not. Go and take care of you and do something about this. If you ignore your needs it will get worse. Having a repeat adventure with the same guy means cheating. Think about.

[TheFightGoesOn in reply to Nicole84]

I'm just not into sharing. My husbands' idea of a sexual adventure is not mine. We all have fantasies for a reason. There are many ways to make it more exciting for us still with just the two of us without needing to involve others.

I just wish that my husband would accept the fact that I only want him & to try to make it more exciting for us two. I literally went up to him a few weeks back, maybe a bit over a month ago, told him I was really horny. I performed on him & that's it. He didn't even do anything for me! Nothing! After that, I didn't even mention the word horny again. I just gave up! I just it myself anymore. When my kids are in school & he's working, I put on porn & go insane all alone! It's not exactly what I want, but, at least I'm getting something. And I also release some of the stress.

[Nicole84 in reply to TheFightGoesOn]

There is something going on. Is not normal a man to behave like that around a woman. Especially you, his wife. If it happens once in while is understandable, but seems he is like that for a while. No woman deserves to be treated like that. Is not just about sex, it's about the way he make you feel,the fact he makes you doubt your sexuality,your beauty, even your words. He may be the best father, friend, parter but if there something like that it will bring more frustration for you, and from what you say dosen't seem he will change any time soon. There are no signs for him wanting to do something about your intimacy and looks like he is fine with the way it is. Don't forget , whatever you dicide amd accept in this life has to be for your own good first. You are the most important person, then your children, your husband, family, etc... Is very sensitive to give someone advice in regards with their personal life and you shouldn't even ask for opinions, you should know what is best for you. Once you will start be more confident, to love yourself more, when you will have more self esteem then you will be able to see everything from a different angle and your decisions will be different too. You focus to much on him. I hope everything will go well for you too and you will find a way to sort things out.