Trying to manage frustration when ex violates custody agreement

[hopingforahapp7]

Good evening,

I partly need to just vent, but I'm very open to any suggestions. After being amicably divorced for years, I have been going through he** with my ex since September. He lost his job, stopped paying child support, and after being given 9 months of leeway to find work finally announced to me that he has no intention of finding work because he wants me to pay child support to him (he's been working off books for months to avoid detectable income.) I asked him to file for a modification, and he refused so I eventually had to hire an attorney. Since then, he has made our lives hell. He sends me paragraph long texts cursing me out, threatens to move out of country if not given what he wants, then when told that's a lousy thing to do to the kids reverses course and insists he wants 50/50. I tried to take the high road to protect my kids and he has put all sorts of horrible thoughts into their heads, such as mommy is making him move to another country and the only way he won't go is if I give him 50/50. He was pretty clear with my lawyer on the phone that the 50/50 is all about money, but he's telling my kids it's about just wanting equal time with them (he's irresponsible and it's not in their best interest.)

We don't have hearings/mediation scheduled until late January/Feb and I've been struggling hard not to fall into a depression while managing the stress and anxiety over how this is affecting my kids and how it will turn out, as well as the long wait until we get some resolution. My attorney seemed so confident when we retained him and is now insisting we approach this through mediation which implies we have to compromise. This is hard to swallow that we have to "give" for someone who's violated child support for a year and has decided he doesn't want to work on the books to avoid having to contribute a dime to raising our kids all while my husband and I work two jobs to try to cover everything.

Normally we have a mutually agreed upon arrangement for the holidays where they spend all day Christmas Eve with him (when he celebrates) then are picked up at 8:30pm by me Christmas Eve so they can wake up Christmas morning with me (when we celebrate.) I've been suspecting he'll try to mess with my holiday by preventing me from picking them up Christmas Eve, so I've been trying to mentally prepare for it so it's not as big of a blow. Well, tonight he was supposed to return them after his weekend, and he didn't. He just decided that he would keep them and return them Christmas morning. I have in writing my clearly denying permission and have forwarded to my lawyer asking him to send a letter in the morning, so I think I've done what I can do for the moment.

My question (if anyone reads this far) is this: do you have any suggestions as to how I can compartmentalize this so the anger doesn't eat me alive? It's hard to rest or relax and not ruminate on this. I feel like I'm turning into this energy vampire who's always stressed, cries at the drop of a hat, and spends so much time being angry and worried. I have a call into a therapist, but I could really use practical ideas about how to set it aside and focus on other things...

[NeuronerdDoaty]

Oh you found my ex! So he’s counterparenting instead of coparenting. Remember your kids grow up. I always told my kids ‘he’s your dad, you have him all your life. I’m only stuck until your 18. You’ll have to work your own deal.’ I was open and honest on the verbiage and that I did not know why he was changing. They were free to ask. They had a right to ask.

As for myself I always took the high road. I have to be honest and say in the long run it didn’t ‘get back’ at him. They all are grown and have a good relationship with him. But, as a good mom that’s what I really want. Yes I still could punch him in the face if I wouldn’t get caught. So I have that going for me.

It’s super hard. Focus on the kids and remember you can’t make him do anything. When they don’t have stuff be truthful.

Sending you strength and peace.

[hopingforahapp7 in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Thank you for the strength, peace, and advice! I know there's no point in feeling self-pity, but I'm sad. I took on extra work this year to be able to afford to give them a nice Christmas morning, and was so looking forward to watching them wake up in their Christmas PJs and walk downstairs to see the excitement over their new bikes. Now I'll be sitting around waiting for them to come in at God knows what hour, probably close to noon, dirty and unkempt. It feels like he's stealing the magic of Christmas morning and we get so few of those when they're young.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to hopingforahapp7]

I totally understand. Honestly they will get used to dads way versus moms way. At dads we eat hot dogs and don’t take baths. You get the point. I promise they survive. Don’t let his ‘parenting’ or lack thereof hurt you. If you get no money from him tell them ‘dads not contributing’. End of story. I promise you that their hearts don’t break over it.

[Dolphin14]

Sound like my daughters ex boyfriend. He contributes zero. He is unbelievable. He's good about the holidays. But, it's always with an argument fir control.

My daughter is in therapy and on meds. My grand daughter ( age 9) is starting to see his true colors.

I think it's best to just work hard and take care of them yourself. Don't expect anything from him because he will never deliver.

[quitter333]

I've worked on custody cases in my practice.

Get proper documented proof, get evaluations by state child agencies and then present it to ex, threaten with court, and if no agreement is found, go to court, request they put ex under observation or even give you solo custody.

It is smarter to do it and do it swiftly or not do it at all (rare cases when other party is actually smart and communicated normally and in favor of children). children wont suffer from decisive moves, but they will def, suffer if you keep pulling them all around and arguing for years.