Thoughts about why people close to you are angry at you when you do not deserve it.

[Kayakin]

Thoughts about why people close to you express anger at you when you do not deserve it. Lots of people around here, including me, feel bad and guilty when this happens.

Think I encountered this in the book , Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus I read years ago.

When someone, especially a spouse or close relative express anger to you it may be because they are comfortable enough and feel safe enough with you, to let the anger out of themselves. It can have nothing otherwise to do with you and nothing you did, but from another relationship that they were hurt in. They now feel safe enough with you to let it out. That says they feel really good about you.

Consider this, and if that is the case, respond to them with love and caring because you are helping them heal.

Do you think there is anything worthy in responding this way?

[mrmonk]

I think there is a marked difference between expressing anger to someone and expressing anger at someone. Expressing anger at someone who has done nothing to warrant anger is abuse.

[Kayakin in reply to mrmonk]

Thank you for your reply. I was trying to express thoughts about a situation when things are going well between you and someone else, and there is an uncharistic outburst of anger at you. I am not saying what they say is good or appropriate or not abusive, but to try to understand it, and one way to respond.

[mrmonk in reply to Kayakin]

You're welcome. If it is a single outburst and it is not physical, then trying to understand it is well and good, but if it becomes a pattern of behavior, the best course of action is to leave.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to mrmonk]

I’m on team mrmonk.

[argh52]

If someone feels safe enough to let out their anger at inappropriate targets needs help dealing with their issues. Is he in counselling? Would be consider it?

[Kayakin in reply to argh52]

I think about this and how to deal with anger because of what I saw at the post office in line picking up my mail. The person in front of me was being most abusive to the clerk. He had the patience of Job and more kindness than I could of had and the man calmed down and left. I think the clerk could of called someone and had him dealt with, but his kindness worked maby better. I have always been non confrontational but on rare occasion angry.

My former wife would use anger to change the topic and if I continued to try to resolve something that was a problem for me would even start breaking things. At that point I left to stop it. Of course my issues never got resolved.

I am facing a similar situation now with a relative using anger, and it will take some time and work to get away, so I must deal with it. So far passiveness and kindness is my tool again. I think I need to work much harder to get away.

I am a good person and do not deserve to be treated like this in the future. I need to know what the best way to handle people that treat me unfairly. I do not like the idea of using anger, and can not always leave immediately. I know now I should be much quicker to leave though.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to Kayakin]

Run

[NeuronerdDoaty]

Your key phrase is ‘anger to you’. I’m going to assume it’s handled in an adult way and boundaries are maintained. In this case I agree completely. My husband and I solve issues this way all the time.

Anger ‘at’ me he can take on his merry way. I’m 55. I was fine before he came along and I’ll be fine when he’s gone. If he’s not adult enough to handle his anger appropriately I’m not childish enough to handle it. Off with his head said the Red Queen!

I never deserve a mantrum ‘at’ me. Now he was saying some words at the lawnmower yesterday I don’t think he knew I heard but I don’t deserve a raised voice and the bar is set very low on this.

Just my thoughts.