Hopeless now...

I'm tired of being so hopeful one second and then fall into fear the next. I'm grateful to God for all the blessings that are in my life and I don't blame him for anything at all. I'm just weak and scared and lost. I deserve this. So I guess I'm staying broken and just drift through life and hide it with a fake smile. Because I don't know what else to do.

[Agora1]

FaithWarrior, oh ye of little faith x

No one deserves this. For whatever reason we were burdened with

this illness, it is up to us to believe that we can and we will find the answer

in living our lives as it was planned. xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

I did believe for years to find answers to helping my mental illness and to stay hopeful despite any situation for the most part. I got more questions then answers. I guess my life was planned were I'm the one who loses in the end. I don't know anymore. I guess I'm just not strong enough and I'm not happy with who I am anymore. I just don't know anymore. I love God I do. That's why I also feel guilt I'm letting him down thinking this way but I can't help it.

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

FaithWarrior, Finding who you really are as well as loving that person you are is all that

we need. You are not letting anyone down. I spent many years searching for answers.

Once I accepted that anxiety and only anxiety was causing these unreal symptoms, I

never questioned it but believed that I would find the answers. We can't doubt for a

moment in that we won't get well. It's not about being strong but about not staying

stuck and forging ahead. Faith Warrior, not a day goes by that I am not grateful that

I didn't give up. I used YouTube as a guide in learning about everything that could help

me and it did. From meditation, deep breathing, self hypnosis, mindfulness, visualization, imagery, biofeedback, acupuncture and on and on. There are great videos

on self esteem and confidence, pain management as well as retraining your mind.

There is nothing you are doing wrong my friend. You just haven't found what works for you yet. But it will happen and when it does, practice, practice, practice. The idea will

be to beat anxiety at it's own game by never allowing it to take hold. This is your life

and you are in control. We're always here for each other. xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for the inspiring words, I really do appreciate it. But I don't know if I'm gonna bounce back from this, this time. I hope so, but idk.

[NWGal]

Again, you do not deserve what you're going through. A therapist can help you discover a rational understanding of why you believe you are not worthy of a good life. Good karma coming your way my friend.

[Hidden in reply to NWGal]

I've talked to so many therapists and counselors so many times over the years from when I was 12 to now I'm 28. No solutions just throw different meds and different dosages over time in my face which did nothing. Talking did nothing. Stuck in my room all these years and now I'm moving out from my mom's house with my brother who is also now developed a deep depression from his ex girlfriend who broke his heart. So him and me are gonna move into a new place with both of us broken inside. Sounds like fun.......

[NWGal in reply to Hidden]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Is it possible you and your brother could help each other through this? Just a thought.

[Hidden in reply to NWGal]

I used to pick him up while he was down. He used to pick me up while I was down. But what do you do if we both have fallen down. How can one of us pick the other one up if we both have no strength left to get up. I guess we both lose in the end. I really do appreciate you caring. I don't mean to sound so depressing I just can't help it anymore.

[NWGal in reply to Hidden]

Wondering if establishing a goal to get your brother out of this will give you purpose?

[Hidden in reply to NWGal]

My brother has been going to the gym and exercising,changed his diet, go out to places with a friend or two to do stuff. But in the end he falls back into depression really hard and I worry sick about him which gives me a panic attack pretty much daily now and I get depressed too. I don't blame him at all of course it's not his fault I would know but with my mental disorder and his now developed depression. We both are pretty much just empty inside now.

[Mellowme73 in reply to Hidden]

I'm glad that you have each other, despite your low moods. Hang in there for each other...

[Hidden]

Agora1 has good advice. But I'm 51 now which is hard enough but what I learned is anxiety is anger turned inwards. So God would be happy to have you blame him and get angry and he will always be there for you and know that it will pass as you work through to the next part of your healing. And it won't hurt to blame and be a little angry at your brother. Best thing to do is to write letters about how hard it's making you having to deal with whatever so you can get angry and let some out so you don't feel as anxious. But most important don't give them the letter, burn it, shred it or delete it if you use electronics like me. Because even though you love them if you want to work through the anxiety you have to force it out instead of shoving it down. Believe me I know it's hard to let out the anger and every other emotion that tries to come out. I couldn't deal with my feelings until my family died and it came between us even though I didn't show it and I still loved them. And you don't want to do that. Unfortunately my dad abused me from when I was little and after he got out of jail he said he had put me on a pedestal which to me basically was blaming me for it. Anyway I kept him in my life but he was the only one I sent him an email probably 5 years ago letting him know how lucky he was to still be in my life and the thoughts in my head that would put a smile on my face (not good ones) and what the anxiety does to me because of what he did to me. It was the only one I sent because obviously he didn't want me to cut him out of my life and as my anxiety got worse I because borderline agoraphobic but that's the only time I would suggest give one the letter. But it would help me let out anger in a controlled way that my brain didn't interfere with and as soon as i let it out I would forget what caused the anger. Which was better than when I got older and I called them rages because I couldn't stop the anger from coming out and it never had anything to do with what caused the rages. Because my flashbacks are emotions not connected to the experiences that caused them because my mind blocked them out. Sorry I didn't have any thing about depression but I hope my experience and advise helps with the anxiety. Also I suggest he write letters and don't give them either. I know alot of therapist have people write for all kinds of reasons it can't hurt to at least try. Also the utube suggested someone on there that talks about meditation but I can't remember his name but he has you pay your head and rub your tummy so you're consentraiting on do something rather than trying to not think about anything. If I can find him again I'll share it with you.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you very much for reaching out and sharing your experiences. I'm sorry for what you went through with your father. I pray your doing well and the lord continues to give you strength. I just can't blame or get mad at anybody I don't feel I have the right to. So I guess I just keep it in. Because if I do get mad and let my feelings out, the back of my head always says "I'm taking what God does for me for granted if I get mad at him for anything." I'm always hopeful and grateful to God. But I don't want to offend him. Same thing with my brother. My brother has done so much for me, he is honestly my best friend. But If I get mad at him and let him know how I feel when I'm pissed. He just gets really angry and I have to keep it in again. My brother is an awesome person, great guy and always understanding and does his very best without giving up. But when I get kinda annoyed or pissed and try to discuss it with him, he gets very annoyed and pissed. So I feel bad I caused an arguement. So I keep it in. He has had my back all these years. But sometimes, I feel I can't express how I feel. I just feel if I get upset with anybody who has always had my back and helped me out so many times that if I get upset with that person who has done alot for me, that I can't get upset with them for anything and I keep my mouth shut. I'm no saint, so maybe the things I get upset about are stupid to everyone else. But to me that's how I feel whether I'm right or wrong, Idk sometimes. I just can't help how I feel.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Other than when you were talking about me you showed you are angry and reread what you wrote. I understand I was brought up to be a doormat also that's why I couldn't deal with my family issues until they past. But that's why I say write it down and don't share it with them. Who cares that they don't know at this point but you need to acknowledge it to yourself so you can get past it. Then later down the line the same things might not bother anymore. But I promise you other things will and you just keep taking care of your feelings. Like I said it won't change them because you don't give them the letters. Or you can just have conversations in your head and think how they would respond to everything you can't tell them. That helped with my ex I mean he is my ex because when I told him thing he wouldn't change and neither did the conversations in my head but it helped me deal with things I was mad at him because he triggered things with my mom that I needed to deal with and working through those problems made it so I wouldn't get so upset but I eventually realized I deserved to be treated better by my family and him. And at first I just started stopping from doing what really bothered me even if I had to walk home through a bad neighborhood. Which is extreme but that's not what caused my fear and anxiety and people could tell and would let me know they were friendly saying hello as we would pass. Plus the up side instead of me getting angry he would get pissed off that I wouldn't listen to him because he thought it wasn't safe. We can't fix other's only ourselves. Know you deserve to be treated well write on your mirror that you see every day and tell yourself that every time you see it. At first like now you won't believe it but the more you tell yourself it you'll start to believe it and get stronger every time. You really don't want to wait and be like me at this age. I have 2 younger friends and we message about all of are problems and complain about everyone that does something we had bad feelings about. And we all know they are feelings not reality because we all see everything different from each other like two sides of a coin. It's the same coin but how you look at it changes how you see it. And we all need to release even the smallest things for our own sanity. Please know even God knows he gave everyone freewill and yes that means bad things happen to good people he could easily take freewill away from bad people but he won't not to protect the most innocent creature so on some level he is to blame and he understands that I love him and he protects me the best he can without doing that and believe me when I say I have had a lot of bad my whole life but it's how we deal with it that defines us and he also knows we are only human. He can take all our anger and pain and it will never be to much like for us some times it is to much. But like parents if your kids don't hate you or get angry with you your doing something wrong. He is the most loving and all knowing that he expects us to have good and bad days but he also see the end when you have worked through all the feelings you could ever feel and you have turned into the butterfly after all the struggle to come out of the caccoon holding us back. People on the other hand not so knowing or secure enough to deal with what they perceive as a criticism when you let them know they did something that hurt you. You're not saying they were bad just that it upset you but they hear they were bad or wrong. But the more you work through your reaction because that's what it is a reaction to what you feel then you can act like the beautiful loving person you are and start to see oh they did or said that because of their insecurities not because you did anything wrong either. Sorry I've been in my head most of my life and very empathetic and I have trouble dealing with the things that hurt me right away which gives me the time to do as I've advised you instead of reacting to what happened. But believe me I still have a long way till I can consider myself healthy and normal, okay as normal as I want to be. Normal is highly overrated. All you can strive for is happy and healthy. God bless you and help you to let it out in a constructive way. I'm still having problems letting out my emotions but I'm learning to acknowledge what they are when I do feel them.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I appreciate you taking your time to respond. I know your right. Everyone here is right. I'm gonna try harder to be happy with myself. Idk if I can do that. I love God and I keep the faith in him and I thank him all the time. Thank you very much.

[Audiomarc1]

Hi FaithWarrior, I'm in the same predicament as you. I found a national group that has helped me. it's called NAMI, national Association for mental illness. Go online type in NAMI and you will get good, passionate help. Do it and let me know how you make out.

[Hidden in reply to Audiomarc1]

I think I was on there awhile ago. But I gave up because I hate hitting dead ends. Through life there were so many things I've tried but nothing helped me or no one helped me. I'm scared to try again only to be let down again. This mental disorder is just who I am I guess. "I'm not my mental disorder" everybody keeps telling me. But I can't see myself what I would be like without my mental disorders. I don't want mental disorders like anyone else would obviously. But who am I then. I'm just a fragile and weak human being with nothing to offer. Oh and my personal demons continue to crush me. So I don't mean to sound so depressing on purpose but I can't hold everything inside anymore. I really can't. Thank you for also reaching out. Everyone on this site has made me feel less alone. I'm still suffering alot. But that's my problem. Everybody giving me advice and understanding me has been amazing. To Everyone here, wow they are really awesome. I pray everybody gets strength and is happy. I pray and hope everyone gets the life that they deserve where they feel free. Again to everyone thank you!

[Notsobubly]

Living is the only thing we can do. I often feel great but I'm on two mood stabilizers for my bi polar depression. Fear is just awful and feeling it what seems to be everyday must be awful. Talk to your doctor about getting on a mood med and maybe it will help you. Good luck and I'll be praying for you.

[Hidden in reply to Notsobubly]

I've been trying cbd oil. Because meds never worked. Thank you for replying, I appreciate it. 🙂

[WayOutThere]

I wish I could help you with the right words. All I can say is that I am experiencing just what you are going through. It is 6:39 a.m. I have been awake since 3:30. The moment I woke up, the worries and fears took over. It has been like this for most of the summer. When I wake up I am sad because reality is what I fear.

[Hidden in reply to WayOutThere]

Yeah I'm always living in fear. Even on a good day. Fear is always with me. No breaks, just a lil less at times. But fear is always there. I pray to God all the time for help and he does help me alot. So many blessings I'm thankful for. But the fear is still constantly here.

[NeuronerdDoaty]

I believe in brain training. Certain portions of your brain are overactive while others are sleeping on you so your neurotransmitters are being produced incorrectly. There are things you can do that seem meaningless and boring that will help your brain in other situations. It takes practice but it’s well worth it.

[Hidden in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

I'm not sure what to try. I'm lost. But thank you for the advice. 🙂

[at123]

I am so sorry you are experiencing these struggles. Please know that you are not alone. I struggle with anxiety and fear, too, and I completely understand how overwhelming it can be. But more importantly, I am so glad to hear that you have faith in God.

I so admire your courage to reach out for help. Would you allow me to pray with you?

Father God, I come to You with FaithWarrior in gratitude for Your perfect love. I thank You, God, for Your gift of salvation in Jesus Christ. I thank You for Your love and forgiveness and goodness. And God, I thank You for FaithWarrior.

I ask You, God, in Jesus' Name, that You will calm the fears in my friend's heart and in my friend's mind. May FaithWarrior truly experience the peace that surpasses all understanding, which You promise to us when we give You all of our cares and worries. I know, Father, that You are with us in every moment. God, would You help us to see Your loving presence? Even when we are down and in despair, Lord, reveal Yourself to us. Remind us of the truth that You love us, You are for us, and You will be with us in every trial we experience.

Thank You, God! It is in Jesus' Name we pray, Amen.

[Hidden in reply to at123]

Thank you for praying with me. I deeply appreciate everything you said. I'm blessed I can talk to the most caring and understanding people here. Everyone who reached out from the bottom of my heart, thank you and God bless you all! Me and my brother are slowly building up hope again. But I'm scared that something will start to shake our hopes again. But serouisly thank you everyone! 🙂