Hopeless

[Bluesunshine]

I've noticed since I was 9 years old (now 20 years old) that I have never been happy here. I suffer from anxiety, and can't seem to not be depressed. No matter where I am, how much fun I'm having, or how good things may seem in life I can't seem to stay happy. Depression seems to find me no matter the situation. I turned to drugs and alcohol, but it doesn't seem to work anymore. They use to take all the pain away, but lately it only makes the pain stronger.

I have had medical treatment, and it didn't work the way I thought it would. It seems as if the medicine made me more depressed or worked too well to the point I was a walking zombie. I have tried 4 different anxiety and depression medication. I am a self harm survivor, and have been doing extremely good not hurting myself. I haven't had any strong urges in fact I have fought off any little ones I did have.

The problem is that I have wanted to die since I was a 9 year old child. Not exactly die, but escape to some place but here. It seems no matter how hard I try to be happy I can't. I'm usually the happiest most sweetest person with the biggest smile on the outside, but in the inside I hate myself, and don't smile at all. Depression lives with me and I hate it! I have been seriously thinking about giving up, but I have so many times and over came the feelings. This time it seems as if Over coming these feelings won't work because I'll just end up feeling exactly the same. I don't know what else to do or who to talk to, so any suggestions or helpful tips?.

[tryntobrth]

I wish there was a way I could help you. I can relate to you feelings though, I tried to commit suicide when I was about 6 years old, just as a way to leave the place I was. Now I try to live my life as simply as possible and it seems to help keep my head clearer. Sometime I just clean and organize the house and get rid of things I don't need. Kind of like clearing my mind of things I don't need. I don't know if this helps at all but hang in there.

[Bluesunshine in reply to tryntobrth]

I've never thought of it that way. I always used relationships as a way to clear my mind. Which eventually only made things worse. I really appreciate that advice. I'll trying doing productive things that can clear my mind, and keep my mind busy. I think that method could really help.

[poodlelover81]

4 anxiety medicines really isn't that bad. During the winter I was on 6 before my doctor slowly brought me down to 2. And know the feeling of wanting to escape. It sounds corny but looking at pictures of dogs instantly brings a smile to my face. Google "puppy" and look at the images. Or look at cat videos on Youtube. Also, exercise-even if it's just a walk around the block-helps tremendously.

[Bluesunshine in reply to poodlelover81]

I appreciate the advice I actually love puppies; that's a great idea. Thank You.