The self-sabotaging mind

[Kat63]

The sick part of my brain is trying to sabotage me today.

I’m in a training class for work, and the topic is something I enjoy that I’m good at. The healthy part of my brain is loving this.

The addicted/anxious/crazy part of my mind is worrying about my relationship with L.

I can see the two sides of my brain fighting. The healthy side says, “Shut up, sick side. This is interesting, and I want to hear it.”

The sick side says, “What if he really *didn’t* want you to come back? What if he just said we would do it, because he didn’t want to hurt your feelings?”

I really strongly feel that this is an attempt at self-sabotage. I love the instructor of this class. I’d like to work for her! My healthy mind is feeling pretty happy. The unhealthy mind is like a little child, bugging Mommy for attention when Mommy wants to read or watch TV.

So, I’m visualizing picking up Inner Child and cuddling her. And that’s nice, but I’d really rather have L. cuddling me. He isn’t as physically affectionate as he used to be, and I’m aching for that.

I just took my first Ativan of September, because I’m sick and tired of my addict mind/unhealthy mind ruining this time for me that I could be enjoying. And there have been so many hundreds of times in the past when my unhealthy mind has worried or complained or dwelt on the negative to the point where I couldn’t really enjoy the good things I had! I’m pissed off that I have a sick part of my mind, ruining everything for me. I wish I could do DIY brain surgery and just cut that part out.

[Starrlight]

I hear you. I’m working on retraining my brain. Really hard work but I think it’s paying off, so far anyway. Best to you. I really hope you can get s break soon, some enjoyment. I just stopped taking Ativan so I know what you mean about letting it help you enjoy some in life. I’m missing it but I don’t believe it’s healthy for me right now. Things seem really big and strange right now and I’m on edge. I really wish we could both do the brain surgery idea 😉

[Pugglesworth]

Hi Kat.

I'd love to be without my 'dark traveler' too. He is a PITA (Pain In The A$$).

Ativan is great for me as well, but I use it sparingly. It really helps when I'm getting overwhelmed. Luckily I have some tools at my disposal such as 'tapping' and breathing exercises that help me cope. I'm not sure what you call it, but sometimes I repeatedly flex my toes in my shoes to take my mind off things. I flex my left toes, wait a couple seconds, flex my right toes and repeat. My therapist taught me that. My mind is eventually off whatever it was obsessing about.

Hang in there kiddo.

[Hidden]

It seems that's how it goes most of the time. Just can't fully enjoy a good moment because the anxiety has to find a way to creep back in. I hope your healthy part wins today.

[stanislavski66]

I take 1.5 mg a day. Up from 1mg earlier this year. Am I addicted? Well, yes, certainly. But if my choice is between a mild addiction (I say mild because I know ppl who take 6mg daily, ouch!) and almost constant suffering, then I'll take the addiction. Along with a very low dose of Lexapro (5mg daily which is considered sub-therapeutic), I can get through the day relatively well. It's a bargain and a tough choice but then again, almost anything is. In addition, I have to cut out coffee much as I love it. It increases the anxiety twofold. I eat healthy and I exercise as much as time (and the hot and humid Florida climate) permit. I'm 66 and have suffered from GAD all my life. Ativan is no angel but it's not the devil either. I have weaned myself off before and would do it again if and when circumstances permit. Good luck to you!

[Kat63 in reply to stanislavski66]

Thank you. This is useful information for me.

[stanislavski66 in reply to Kat63]

Feel free to pm with questions or just to commiserate 😊

[Hidden]

Ativan is the only medication that I’ve never had issues with however once you take it too frequently you don’t get the effects of it it just is it levels you out. Being leveled out is I guess what people called normal though so yay yay. I am learning that we need to just let go of trying to control everything and just let God and let the universe take control in and help us out . You should be proud that you have a career. Be proud of yourself because you’re dealing with a discomfort mood disorder or have not and you go to work I can only work part time and do all these part-time things because my anxiety is always that sick crazy part . I noticed that anxiety can make us believe things that aren’t really true. Of course speaking with your partner about defection you need is important because communication is important. On the other hand it is quite possible that your partner never really was that affectionate and the partner was just always trying to be more perfection it because sometimes people try to balance out the relationship of your needs and their needs and their abilities. I noticed the harder I hold onto something and squeeze it in my hand all the thoughts and all the things I try to control the actually more suffocated I feel and I noticed when I just like go it just comes back to me you tell the universe what you need and focus on what you need I don’t focus on what you don’t need and you notice things changing. I don’t think were sick I don’t think people with mental disorders are sick That’s something my mother would say that something someone has told us we just have a chemical in balance . It’s hard for other people to want to comfort us when we are always in a catastrophe or always in her meltdown or always feeling like we’re sick. The other day my girlfriend had told me she has breast cancer and they’re removing her breasts and the truth is is that they might remove her breast and then remove the other breast but she might end up dying anyways because that’s what cancer does it spread to your body. That’s why people with mental issues need to exercise that’s what I’ve been exercising regularly eating eating healthy foods having a rule of like 80% healthy 20% you could be bad. We need to eat properly and we need to exercise regularly and if your woman and you have hormone on balancing that is another reason why you need to exercise because if you don’t exercise regularly the hormones affect you and your hearing Zaidi is just crazy. Anxiety. I think taking out of bed will reset yourself. But we still as people need to do the work and can’t use the crunch which is a drug to change everything because it won’t we have to do it starts with us we need to change the way we think change the way we Breath. Change the way we heal, change the way we eat and live change the way we are who we talk to. We are sensitive people we have conscience that’s why we think a lot because we’re very conscious but the truth is is we need to be more living in the moment so if you’re doing dishes you need to not be thinking about yesterday what you gonna do for lunch tomorrow and all these fantasies and just focus on washing the dishes that’s mindful so practicing mindful exercises is beneficial for people with anxiety. Maybe some self love exercises self compassion exercise you can go on self compassion.org and this lady has a free she has a free breathing exercises and self compassion exercise . Because the more you just love yourself in and not think about your partner not being as compassionate your partner will just become more compassionate it’s so weird. no let go of that thought That your partner is not compassionate or comforting and just concentrate on the good things in the relationship.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

If your partner doesn’t become more compassionate you’ll notice the people around you may come into your life that are compassionate to balance out what you need. Having that Ativan is good because it will reset your brain hopefully

[Nom-D-Ploom]

It helps me to see the sad feelings as something outside me. Not ME at all. Just a thing to get through, like raging heat and bitterly cold winter. I just find comfort when I can, and wait for the season to change. And I don't make big decisions when I am acted on by 'other' feelings.