I would rather have any other sickness than the sickness of the mind. It effects every part of your being. It's a constant daily struggle to stay well, you pray before you go to bed, "God please take my life so I dont have to wake up to fight another day". You've tried this and done that only to be disappointed when you wake up to another day to do those things again. Living life has its on battles to face each day without having a sick mind to meet those daily challenges with. You can have everything at your finger tips and still nothing makes the mind and struggles well. I think about Naomi Judd who took her life last year, at first glance she had it all, how could that be, but the depression doesn't wait or stop even in having it all. The struggles are real no matter who or what you have in this life. I wish there was a light switch to cut the depression off, but then again, I'm wishing my life away.
Sickness Of The Mind: I would rather... - Anxiety and Depre...
Sickness Of The Mind
I woke up today and you said mostly what I feel.
I am crying g for help since 6am In torture. Unable to get up and shower or look at myself I am getting worse and if I could get up I would! I am not ok.
please call 988 crisis hotline They R very compassionate and helpful.
Hi Alexapal
I have been through that period of not been able to get out of bed and shower. for a few months. Living alone made it even more difficult. In the end I found that even just forcing myself to get up and even just having a wash ( even with cold water) instead of having a shower helped.
Getting dressed even with nowhere to go can induce a better feeling. Going to the shops fills me with immense anxiety but I found facing the fear allows you to make some progress. Hope this helps in some way.
I fear everything and j know everything is falling apart. I don't know how this has happened to me. Someone keep saying I am doing this to myself.
No one would want to deliberately make themselves ill. We often have unwanted and unexpected experiences which can affect us all. With me it was the death of my Brother. The person saying you are doing this to yourself is not being very supportive and best listen to those who are prepared to be more empathetic. I fear going to the shops many times but I force myself to face the fears as the best means to defeat them
Alexapal, some people don't have an understanding about Depression, it would make it easier to go through if they did. Remember, this is not you it's the depression speaking. Your not purposely doing this to yourself, who would want to bring this kind of pain on themselves. Your not alone, part of this is "learned helplessness", I'm very well familiar with it as it contributes to my on depression. When your feeling up to it, look it up on line. If you are in a Crisis and in need of help, please call or talk to someone who can help you through this. 🙏 for you, a big bear hug, you can get through this time just reach out.
Hi Ladybird
I appreciate the support you are extending to Alexapal. It does take someone who has experienced Depression to better support those who are or have experienced it. I have no real support hence why I joined this group. It has been 9 months now since this onset, and I can't help thinking how well and vibrant I was before, which adds to the frustration.
You mentioned 'learned helplessness' and this is what I am trying to avoid. Each day I find it difficult to occupy myself in a meaningful way now that I have no set routine. I have always been academically inclined and so didn't develop any hobbies as such. Now as a retired teacher I have this sense of a lost identity. You come across as a very experienced individual.
I did I feel very stuck I this nightmare that I am. I am loosing g everything around me.
Thank you for your kind words. Maybe, you need to find a new normal. Don't look at what you did have but what you have now. It will look different but maybe better. Don't dwell on it, in the slowing down you can find more time to find a hobby or things you haven't done in the past that you want to seek out now. But, right now you just may need to focus on getting better and finding a hobby may be a turning point in that.
Greetings ladybird
I express sincere gratitude for your response. Finding that new normal or even accepting that new normal is where I am challenged. It's difficult to not look back on what I had because, before April of this year my life was vibrant and functional. Now life seems much more lonely than it ever did, and I often spend days pacing up and down not knowing what to do with myself now that I am no longer teaching Mathematics for a livelihood
Social anxiety is not something I was challenged with before and has only recently developed, given I am no longer teaching day to day and was unprepared for retirement. I also experienced a period of social isolation where I spent a few months laying in bed all day with little interest in life itself. I was having a personal tantrum with a loss of identity, it could be said.
I am now able to socialise more readily and I no longer spend all day in bed. I agree with you that finding a hobby or things I haven't done in the past is a key factor. I have always worked in a professional capacity so that loss of social status is playing havoc with my ego. I have had periods of depression before but none that have impacted me in such an intense way..
Apologies for the long reply and I sincerely hope that you are readily coping with your own personal challenges at the moment. In fact, how are you?
Kind Regards
My struggles and challenges are no different than anyone else's here. I'm one that wants to help with what my lived experiences have been that may make a difference in others life for the better. In return it helps me when I can be a help in someway and learn from others with their lived experiences. I realized in my last post to you that I may have come a cross a little pushy. It's my training as a volunteer peer counselor. Maybe I need to be listening more and commenting less. Hope you have a peaceful night or day. I'm from the States so it's early morning here. Thank you for your post, it has been a help.
Hi Ladybryd
First of all apologies for referring to you as Ladybird. I am pleased that my post has helped in some way. I find that living with this condition makes life intolerable at times and I try to escape the terror by just getting out and going somewhere even if I am not sure where I am going,
As someone who lives alone you can become engrossed in your own fearful worry that things will always be as they are. Facing the anxiety and getting out does help to bring some momentary relief. I am terrified that this condition will be a lifelong and unwanted companion. Hope today has been good for you as is possible.
I haven't had to live alone, I'm sure that would make the struggles harder to go through. Depression is a bear to tackle, some days are harder to get through than others. I don't know if it will be a lifelong struggle for you, but I do know struggling with it most of my life, has made me more empathic and understanding towards the sufferings of other with these challenges. I would rather not choose this path for myself, but what has made it more bearable is I stop fighting with it an except that I have to take care of myself during those down times. I feel like a weak person when going through it, that part I hate. Hope your day has been a peaceful one. You and I are stronger than we think we are, it's just doesn't feel like it.
Greetings Ladybryd
Yes we are both stronger than we think we are, and as I often question why this experience has come into my life at this juncture,( when I have been feeling very vibrant and functional for years until April of this year} if this wretched depression does serve as my ability to be empathetic and understanding to other sufferers, then it would have served a meaningful purpose.
We know how difficult it can be trying to articulate to a non sufferer the challenges we can face on a day to day basis . The frustration of feeling lost and bewildered, can make me feel weak and alone in the struggle. Music, fun and laughter has now been replaced with an eerie silence, disdain and sadness - all in the space of 9 months. I mourn the loss of the life I had not so long in the same way I mourn the loss of my Brother. He can't come back and my deepest fear and worry is that neither will the life I loved so much
Thanks for listening and, I do hold space for you to express as the need beckons
My heart just breaks for you. It would be a hard and difficult loss for anyone with that kind of life changing events. The depression will get better in time. It seems your depression is more circumstances. Your new normal may look different than before. It sounds like your getting back to some normalcy though. I can tell you that your going to get through this. Look at the progress you've already made. Okay, I'll shut up now 🤗
I 🙏 a peace will come through all these changes your making. Painful but your doing it.
Ladybyrd, best wishes to you. Your post made me think of one of my favorite lines from the Snow Leopard by Peter Matthiessen: "Indicating his twisted legs without a trace of self-pity or bitterness, as if they belonged to all of us, he casts his arms wide to the sky and the snow mountains, the high sun and dancing sheep, and cries, ’Of course I am happy here! It’s wonderful! Especially when I have no choice!’ In its wholehearted acceptance of what is; I feel as if he had struck me in the chest." The phrase, even though I don't understand it at all, that continues to strike me is "Of course I am happy ... especially when I have no choice." Re: "I wish there was a light switch to cut the depression off, but then again, I'm wishing my life away." I don't know but many so-called experts, such as David Burns, seem to think that there may in fact be a magic button: "Imagine that there's were a magic button on this desk, and if you push it, all of your symptoms (such as depression, or panic attacks, a troubled marriage, or a bad habit or addiction) will instantly disappear, with no effort, and you'll go out of today's session in a state of euphoria. Will you push that button? As it turns out, many people will NOT push the button, or would be highly ambivalent about it." I've been telling myself for years that I would would slam that f%@ing button if I could find it, but anti-depressants and TMS have not made it appear for me. With esketamine maybe I have seen a glimpse of the button, but when the drug wears off the darkness descends again. In the past athletic endeavors, specifically long endurance efforts, may have also allowed me to see a glimpse of the button, but I haven't felt able to excercise in months. I want to stop wallowing in the gloom and stop thinking and ruminating and I want to find that button or switch. Sitting here with my artifical HappyLight , I hope that I can find it and have the strength to use it.
I love that, so true! There is a button to push, if you can call it that, "happiness" it is a choice. Maybe, that's the magic button he's talking about. Depression keeps you from wanting to exercise, take a small step in that direction. Don't look at the big picture, it will overwhelm you and you won't put forth the effort to exercise. Just do one small thing today, even if it looks impossible. It will lift your spirit a little bit and build up from their. Even if there's a step back that's okay, start again. It's in the starting that will help lift the depression symptoms some. Hoping you have a peaceful day, just take that one step no matter how small it looks. Praise yourself at the end of the day that you put forth a effort to getting better.
Hi ladybyrd, I feel you. I have often wished that I could have cancer instead of anxiety and depression. If I had the will to live it would be more enjoyable 😥 What a sad state and maybe I wouldn't feel that way if I had it, but I would be willing to trade. I try to remember that just living another day is often a victory. I also wholeheartedly believe that there is a way that we can all find peace, no matter our mental woes. Never stop trying new things. You have incredible worth just being you. I wish you peace, hope, and strength.
LoveforAll41, it seems that depression is a silent illness. You would think how others treat you after they know about your mental health struggles that you have a plague or something they might catch from you.My husband had cancer 5 yrs. ago. I stayed by his side during his journey. Yes, I would of rather went through that than to go through this continued on hell. I saw how other's treated his illness with much empathy and kindness. I wouldn't of had it any other way for him, but I watch a stark difference in the treatment that his doctor's, nurses, and anyone else involved with his care. Someone with a mental health illness usually doesn't get the same treatment or care than someone who's gone or going through cancer. It feels maddening to self in the sufferings of this kind of mental health pain. Would we go through the challenges better, suffer less, heal faster, and move on quicker. I don't know what the answer really is, but for me, it's maintaining the illness, some days is not always maintainable and I'm a mess. I try not to fight those feelings of depression as much and let it run its coarse until I feel better. The pressures I put on myself when I'm down to feel like that person when I'm not down is draining. I don't have anything left to give myself or to other's when I'm fighting the depression. Thank you for your post, it got me to thinking what it was like during my husbands cancer, that bought some clarity during that time. Hoping your having a peaceful day.
Beautifully written x
Big hug ladybyrd. You are heard, you are supported, and you are bigger than your mental health struggles. It’s ok to be not ok, but you are a go getter. Slap that depression and keep doing what you are doing.
I just love you 🤗 you are so sweet. Thank you! Big hugs!
It's the worst and scariest thing I've experienced in my life. Sometimes, I think I'll not make it till the next day. I wish there's a permanent solution to it.
I get you Teaching, I'm 61 now and I've struggled with MDD since my teenage years. I'm still here fighting this invisible monster in my head. I have to remind myself to keep fighting, I'm worth the fight, and it does pass. The depression takes over and makes you feel like it won't. Doing the little things when your in a depressive episode is better than not to. When I'm in one of those episodes, at the end of the day, I tell myself, at least you got up out of bed, if I do nothing else that day I've done that. I'm finding if I don't fight it as much and just give into it the fear isn't as great. Just name it.Big hugs, you are stronger than you think you are.
You are right. One thing I always tell myself is to keep fighting. I was indoors for more than five years doing nothing until I told myself to get out of the house. I promise myself that depression and anxiety will never limit me again.
Hi Teaching
Keep that promise to yourself and it's great that you managed to get outdoors after such a long time. I find living alone makes the challenges even more pronounced. Since April of this year is when I lost the life I used to love following the passing of my Brother and, I entered into a form of mental matrix.
Retirement from teaching after 25 years of being in the classroom has also added to my loss of personal identity. I often haven't got a clue what to do with myself and the anxiety coupled with procrastination means I am not as functional as I was back in March.
It frustrates me that in only a matter of months I have gone from being a vibrant and functional individual to one that is often riddled with anxiety and depression. Remain unlimited
I appreciate you. Sorry for your loss. I also lost five members of my family within a short interval including my mother, sister and brothers wife. Dealing with loss is not a child's play but we can't give up. I'm glad you are still fighting.
Hi Teaching
Thanks for your reply and I appreciate you too. Sorry about the loss of your close family members; it must have been a very difficult and challenging time for you. Hope you are still able to not allow anxiety and depression to limit you as they are limiting me at this moment. I agree with you that no matter how painful and debilitating depression and anxiety is, we can't give up
Hi Gimel, sometimes I read through things fast and leave the important things out. I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother and the life you lost that you use to have. Those kind of loses takes time to greive over. Those are devastating loses to have to go through. Hope you can find some peace, 🙏 for you. It will get better.
Hi Gimel
Would you be open to working some part time or substitute teach a few hours a week? It seems like you would benefit from that since you loved teaching so much and it gave you that go go go vibrancy. So sorry for the loss of your beloved brother. Grief is a demon. Lifting you in prayer. I’m sure he’s guided you. 😢
Hi SayNOtoPanic
I was a substitute teacher for quite some time up until March this year. This is what I mean by how much this sudden onset has changed the whole fabric of my life. Unable to get up and out of bed in the mornings meant that I had to decline requests to go out and teach. In fact I must have spent nearly 3 months laying in bed all day practically having no interest in life itself. The Demon of grief had taken residency.
Now I am at least able to get up and showered although this can be well after 10.00 a.m. or slightly later. This is terribly frustrating and has added to my feeling of a loss in purpose and meaning to life. I have recently reapplied to the same Agency to resume teaching and despite being employed by them for a number of years they now want me to go through Compliance again.
The Depression makes filling in the paperwork feel like a mountain to climb, but I will try to complete the process at some point when I can overcome the procrastination which has also developed with the condition. I often feel that My Brother took the better part of my life with him, and your 'lifting' prayers are very much appreciated
So your suggestion is a very valid one.
Paperwork for compliance? Shame on them we have a horrid decline in teachers. The need is not being met nationally. Sheesh. They should appreciate and welcome with open arms. But maybe make it a goal and focus to get the papers done as soon as you can. Set an amount of papers for each day and check it off when you get it done.
Your brother is definitely with you. Cheering you on. 🙏🏻💪🏻
Greetings SayNOtoPanic
I sincerely apologise for referring to you as Ladybryd in my response. I was communicating with both at the same time. I am embarrassed and definitely no disrespect was meant. Please accept my apologies again
Please don’t apologize. I totally do that too. It’s hard to keep track cause we all get into conversations and sometimes when you press reply it’s weird the box pops up at the top of the page or bottom of the page. At least on the phone I notice that.
I could have written this same post word for word. I have battled anxiety band OCD my whole life…and at 52 I am so, so tired. I hope you find peace.
duthchgirl71, I think we put pressures on ourselves to get well on a set time or gauage our progress to other's. There are so many reasons why we suffer with depression. Each of us has our on story to tell on the why's or it eludes some to the why's. I do know there is no easy answers, but to be in the doings everyday no matter how we are feeling. If we cannot bring ourselves to at least try, it might be time to see or talk to a trusted someone who can be a help in these things. You are stronger than you think and have worth. Give yourself grace in the doings even if it's just getting up and out of the bed, at least your doing something and will feel the better from it.
You are such a beautiful caring soul. I am not ok getting worse. I am in pure panic all day. Unable to care for my mom or myself I am unzble to will myself out of bed. I fid shower yesterday. Christmas coming I am feeling like I am in actual despair.
Alexapal, my concerns are for you getting better. Is their a pastor or church in the area that can be of help? You need someone that can help you through this time. I'm glad to hear you were able to shower yesterday. Please call on someone that is trusted. Your not alone in this, we here can help you up to a point, but your in a place that you probably need to reach out to others that can be a better help. It's okay to reach out.
I have been reaching out. I really can't face another day with this suffering and pain. I am under a wave and I can't get out. There is too much to fix snd handle insm overwhelmed. My heart is breaking as my mother is struggling and this is a very very tough situation. I can't get up and I have been in my bed for days!!!!!!!!!!! I never imagined this would happen to me I blame the medications and myself for not being strong enough. This is all my fault. I have been reaching out and now itbis Christmas and I am unsble to move. I have to this is like I cant survive this I don't want to live like this.
Alexapal, most of us here have been were you are at sometime in our life's. We have to make at least a small effort everyday to begin to get better. Your at a point where you cannot get out of bed and it seems you are overwhelmed with your circumstances also. Do you have a therapist? You can go online to talk to one if you don't, it will cost you, but it will be well worth it to reach out. Not all are trustworthy, so look into it before you call one.
I have a therapist that is why I feel hopeless I really do it is me that is broken. I can't take the steps the small ones...that means I have to be hospitalized I zm scared ots Christmas and ibam loosing everything. I have beebeen praying and praying forva miracle healing I need God to szvd me right now I really need him. I am hurting so much snd I was so beautiful and full of life I don't recognize myself at all. I am falling apart.
It just feels that right now. Have you tried to call a Crisis line? No body wants to be put in a hospital, I had to go to one 23 yrs. ago. I did not won't to be their but that is were I was able to start to climb out of the despair. Don't be afraid of calling, find someone that can help you in this. Can you find a hospital that you haven't been before that will treat you with dignity and who really cares. God is, right now, answering your prayers through this post. You just have to reach out and make that call. The rest will fall into place if you do decide to make that first move. Praying for you that you won't be afraid and He will give you peace of the decision to call and to find the right place that will be better suited for your situation.
How do I cope when I am loosing everything around me. I know i must fight it is like something isn't working g in my head. Thank uou fif your kindness znd caring I use to go everywhere do a mlikn ghi gs in ghe morning I waste away in my room. I know I don't even like what I sm writing. How j sound it is not me.
Hi Alexapal
I can empathise with that feeling of being lost and your self identity shattered. I too wasted away in my room for several months literally having given up on life. I live alone so I had to somehow find the personal strength to get up and out of bed especially as I began to run out of food supplies. I lived on tea and toast for several weeks with a subsequent loss in weight given that the option of cooking was a no no!
Often I would go to the shops riddled with crippling anxiety and then return straight back to bed. Strangely people would sometimes see me and comment how well I looked which would really annoy and sadden me even more as they simply didn't have a clue what I was going through, unless I chose to divulge that information to a very empathetic few.
This made me realise that although you may feel totally transparent in the public space, if you don't actually mention your struggles to anyone then they simply can't always tell by just looking at you. My loss of weight was however very obvious and often commented on. That would annoy me very much. Although I did feel a bit better when some people added that they too would love to lose some weight. They had no idea my weight loss was because of a diet of Depression and tea and toast.
The point I'm making here is that if you feel leaving your comfort zone and just walking to the store say, may make you think everyone will notice you are struggling, and your world is falling apart, you will be surprised how many people can't tell or have no clue that you are suffering unless you choose to disclose it. I know it is not easy but often facing the fears and anxiety head on, despite the trauma of doing so, is the best way to conquer them.
Now I no longer spend all day in bed and I find getting up and even just having a wash (if you haven't got the will to have a shower) and getting dressed can help with just feeling a little better. That doesn't mean that I no longer have to face social anxiety or that I don't still feel like my world has fallen apart - as you can relate to.
Just keep talking and expressing your feelings and I am offering space for you to do so. if you wish, You may surprise yourself and discover that you are very much stronger than you realise, if you just take even one tiny step toward challenging your anxiety.
Like you said earlier 'I know I must fight', so face them, head on. You can do it and all of us on this platform are routing for you.
Kind Regards
Naomi Judd had an underlying health issue that caused her depression and ultimate suicide...that being said.....unfortunately for me....and I am sure that I speak for others.....I've learned very early on in my depression to be high functioning and put up a good front..I can be very deceptive when it comes to my emotional/mental health.....luckily for me I have a lot of people both in my personal and professional life that can "see through the smoke" and will talk to me....
mizzou7016, you have been fortunate to have people in your personal and professional life. So many here doesn't. Wishing you a peaceful Christmas!
thanks.....hoping so....and it didn't used to always be that way....
I just found this online group today and have been reading what people write. I am happy to find that I am not alone with this depression but on the other hand I'm not happy that others have to suffer the way I do. Why isn't there a fix or a cure? I just want to go to sleep forever. Every day is exhausting. My mind is sick but people don't see it so they think everything is fine. My family all live 1,000 miles away and I have no friends to speak of, just acquaintances. No one calls me or visits me. I'm just alone.
Barbloki, sorry your going through such a hard time. Your not alone. I think most of us here has experienced loneliness sometime or another in our life's. I also have many times wished I would not wake up every morning. It's the depression speaking. It's kind of like a diabetic who has to manage their diabetes everyday. So is depression, things work for different people that may not work for another. It may work for a while and then it stops working. I don't know why, but depression seems to be a silent illness for most. I just know I suffer with it and have to manage it everyday. Keep doing self-care everyday no matter what that may look like for you. Most of the community here does care and wants to help if they can in some way. Hope this is a help in some way.
Griefsucks810, that is awesome that you've decided to move on from your grief. You are stronger than you think, keep moving forward. Your already half way their.
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