Unwilling to attach

[Sparkle_]

Hey,

Sorry this is a huge rant.... So this is really weird and detailed but, I’ve been diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder and I know that it has fluctuated in intensity over time (I was insanely sick from it for awhile which explains my actions below but doesn’t make management much easier in the moment as some may also experience).

Anyway, with that comes fears and I’ve realized I sabotage my relationships because I get worried they’ll hurt me. I obsess, and so I, in turn find a crack in them. I essentially pick at it until I have 1000 reasons that the relationship won’t work. I run, I pick fights, and I essentially get them to leave me. And if they don’t then I end it, because that’s easier than trusting them and them hurting me. Or me caring and worrying about them TOO. It’s fear oriented toward being hurt.

I guess I wonder if others with anxiety have felt this way too? Or how individuals with anxiety have handled/dealt with this? Or if others with anxiety have found that relationships are a bit more difficult due to this?

Thanks if you read this. It was a lot and sort of hard to write.

[Stilltrying_]

Well done for opening up about this on here. It shows courage and a willingness to change your behaviours.

We can all be self sabataging at times if we have unhappiness or mistrust in our backgrounds so please do try to get yourself counselling for this and help you move outside of these patterns of behaviour. It can be a difficult road to navigate but you have made a big start by realising that you have a problem with this.

gemmalouise x

[Sparkle_ in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thank you. I am trying. Some days I feel like it’s impossible because I fix one thing and find ten more but trying to change is all I can do.

[Kat63]

You are in the right place. It looks like you’ve really thought this out, and understand what you’re doing. All good.

The next thing is to learn how to do something different. Do you have a therapist? I think it would help you to take what you’ve written here to a therapist, and ask for help in changing this behavior.

[Sparkle_ in reply to Kat63]

Thanks. I have thought about this. I unfortunately do not have a therapist. I have no insurance so I don’t really have that option.

[Kat63 in reply to Sparkle_]

Don’t give up! There are a lot of good books about relationship skills.

[Sparkle_ in reply to Kat63]

I’ll have to see if i can get my hands on some. Or if you have suggestions I’m open to them

[NeuronerdDoaty]

I’m really proud of you for being able to write it out. Well done. That’s half the job right there. You’re very brave. Don’t forget that.

[Sparkle_ in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Thanks. Yea it wasn’t easy so thanks for acknowledging that. Now if I could just break the habit.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to Sparkle_]

I wish I had something intelligent to say. I’m just going to hope for the best and that others have good advice.