Feeling alone

[privypaige]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and would like to remain anonymous. I started an anonymous blog a while back, but I don't think anyone sees it. I want to express how I'm feeling, but don't want anyone to know that it's me expressing it. I have anxiety and depression. I care about others very deeply, but I don't feel cared for in return. I don't feel like my cousins care for me. They don't try to talk to me or spend time with me. I always feel like I'm the one initiating conversation. They barely even spend time with me at family parties. They seem too absorbed in their own lives. Whenever they have something going on/they're upset about something, I'm always there to listen, give advice, check in. But they never reach out to check on me or see how I'm doing. I don't know what more I can do to build my relationships with them. I also feel like I bother my friends. There are times where a friend will text me and I'll immediately worry that she's going to yell at me or be mad at me, with nothing triggering this feeling. I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. A lot of times I just want to post "who would care if I were gone" but I don't want people to think I'm going to hurt myself, because I'm not. Just feeling like no one cares.

[Sofiexxx]

Have you ever thought that this feeling of not being cared for is a part of your anxiety? Maybe it’s just all in your head? You might be overanalyzing a situation more then it should be. However, it can also be a real situation. I have a friend who has the same exact problem, I would even say worse as they make fun of her. The best advice I can give you is; Give as much as you get. Whatever is given to you, you give in return. It is every man for themselves, and unfortunately we live in a very selfish world where everyones top priority is themselves and their own happiness, but we can also learn from that; to be more aware of your own strenght and realise that you should always rely on yourself. If you feel like they are not caring, distance yourself from them, not completely, but don’t waste your very precious time on someone who don’t see your worth or efforts. If you have given your all and tried your best, and still have not gotten anything in return, that my friend is your answer and clue right there. Instead of giving so much energy to those who clearly, excuse my french don’t give a shit, give it to those who do care.

[privypaige in reply to Sofiexxx]

I know a lot of it is in my head and I'm just overthinking. But it's been a feeling for a while now and I can't shake it. I notice it at every family party, and I just had a cousin (who I want in my bridal party) flat out tell me we aren't that close. It's hard for me to give as much as I get... I have a friend that I always reach out to and she always tells me how much she appreciates it, but a lot of times she'll ignore my texts and when I ask to hangout she either has an excuse or doesn't reply. If I gave to her what I get in return, there wouldn't be a friendship. She also has her own issues with anxiety, depression, and attachment so I don't want her to think I'm like people in her past who have just left.

It just sucks because I'm a very caring person, and I care about everyone I meet. So it's hard for me to not care or not put in the effort. I've tried the mentality before of putting in as much as others, but I just can't seem to stick to it. I just keep trying

[Stilltrying_ in reply to privypaige]

You sound a bit like me. I think you may have low self esteem combined with a very empathic and caring nature. Unfortunately we do have to learn to put ourselves first and this is very hard for us. I have not learned defences and so I find it extremely hard to move away from things which are not working for me.

You say about your bridal party? So you have a loving romantic relationship which is working? I'm jealous I guess is the response I want to make to that!

What you will find is that as you start to assert yourself yes some of your "friendships" will go. People get used to people being a certain way eg you always giving and then when you change often they don't like it. This is where it gets hard. If you have low self esteem then you will be afraid that by losing those relationships you will have nothing as they have always worked that way. Finding a new way of being is very hard and yes some people will go because of this.

I would say you need some professional help in the form of counselling to help you with these issues. Are you the same in your relationship with you fiance , as this also needs to be looked at. If you are constantly adapting out of fear of losing someone it isn't the best basis for a relationship. The aim is to get yourself independent and in psychological terms what they call "individuated". What this means is that you are not sort of "making a deal " with someone psychologically ( though I mean unconsiously) eg. you are not saying "I will care for you if you give the same back". Being individuated means that you recognise that you are a completely seperate person and can sustain yourself by yourself without the need for other people but that you LIKE other people to be in your life rather than need them.

I am not there yet. I am still very needy but I am working at the age of 60!! to being a bit more like this.

I really think therapy could help you develop these life skills.

Gemma

[privypaige in reply to Stilltrying_]

You're right, I do have low self-esteem at times. I used to go to therapy, but my psychologist retired and I didn't connect with the one after that. Thank you for your help and suggestions

[Nish_ in reply to Sofiexxx]

This is really helpful, am having same problem this will help me a lot

[Hidden]

I and a bunch of us feel this way too. We put ourselves out there for others and love in return. Is it our mental health issues making all of this up and or they are just busy people. Family usually takes family for granted so I am going to chalk that up to that. Friendships, I moved to a whole new area and I am not getting myself out there, so that again is on me. I am putting myself out there, on here and I mean, posting, reading, replying everyday and some days I hear back and others, not so much. All we can do is try, put ourselves out there in many different venues. Expecting our little fish bowl to be there 24/7 is not realistic however if we widen our fish tank, we will hear back. We just need to widen our fish bowl to a tank, to a ocean. No one is really alone, especially these days 21st century technology. Take advantage of the big wide world internet. Lots of 24 hour chat rooms, all sorts of topics, Google away

[privypaige in reply to Hidden]

I've never gone to these chats before, so I thought I'd give it a try. I guess I'm just sick of always being the one there for others, but not having them there for me. I know of some people who will listen.... but at the same time, I don't want to bother them with my problems, pity me, or think poorly of me. They're also not the ones I'm feeling uncared by. It's the people (like my family and some friends) that I want the reassurance from that they care. But I don't want to ask, because then the obvious answer is yes.. I mean, who would actually tell their family members they don't care? But then their actions aren't showing that they do. Then it makes me want to say something drastic for them to show me they care. But they shouldn't only care when something drastic happens. Sorry, just rambling at this point

[Hidden in reply to privypaige]

Most people like to help but don't know how or even what would help. If you're family would say they are supportive if asked - you are blessed. There are families that shutout siblings/parents .... anyone who is too much "trouble". Sometimes, asking for something specific help wise or companionship / social support ... that you know is something they might like- say they like gardening and you like plants and there's a pretty park with new things blooming, say it would be great to have company - could we do. I just joined a local plant (succulent) swap group ... that meets monthly .

One my favorite things, is find a place with paintings/art like a public building - doesn't have to be gallery and ask someone to go for a walk . It gets me out of my head and the friend/family too and something to talk about. But it takes some effort ... reach out ... the effort is worth it.

[Hidden in reply to privypaige]

My 4 children are all grown busy with their spouses, work, friends and activities, they are just busy. I hear from them on holidays or if they need something. I am just having to understand and accepting the new reality. I do not like it one bit. My generation, we were in communication every week, no matter what. It was a struggle sometimes, juggling 4 children, work, marriage, church etc. My parents have passed now and I am very happy I did. Life goes fast and they will get it eventually. In the meantime, I am just accepting life as is and acting accordingly. I will just make new relationships or not. Being alone sometimes is actually real nice lol, especially when my husband gets on my last nerve lol.

[privypaige in reply to Hidden]

PS.. I love peanut butter!

[Nish_]

You jus wrote my heart out, you are not alone I experience this too, hope we both get fine

[privypaige in reply to Nish_]

Thank you!

[JEG325]

Hi, PP. Perhaps you are moving around in the wrong circles. I might have a helpful suggestion for you. I will leave you a pm and let you know what it is. If you don't know how to use a pm, I can explain it to you. This site is full of caring people who only want to help you. You should take advantage of it. Have a blessed day!

[ge99]

Hi

Perhaps what we have to learn is that no one knows what is going on in another persons head. When you start a conversation or send a text you don't know what is happening in that persons life. I think you should not take it personally if you get the wrong response, if you know you have been kind or passed on a caring thought then just let it go. Don't wait to be thanked or praised for every good thing you do, but don't stop doing it either, people will see you are a good person and you can smile and wish them well anyway, even if they can't. You sound like a good person but perhaps life is going to make you into a great person, because you will be kind and caring even if no one seems to appreciate it.

[privypaige in reply to ge99]

Thank you