How do I stop being so hard on myself

[BlueAurora]

The title pretty much says it all. I know why I developed this awful habit but I don’t know what to do to shake it. I don’t know how to give myself a break or be at peace with my decisions. For example, if I’m having a bad day and need to stay in bed or something I don’t just say okay well today is like this but tomorrow will be better and it’s okay. No, I dwell on it and call myself all types of names or say bad things in my head because I’m having a bad day and have to stay in bed. Stuff like that.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Does anyone else struggle with this?

[Hidden]

Hi Blue Aurora.

Yes it’s difficult as we have had years of being hard on ourselves it is learnt behaviour and takes much time and patience to manage in my opinion. I’ve never heard of any quick fixes....if there are any I wanna know 😊

One thing that does help me and it’s a work in progress is meditating..there are many different ones available on you tube .and I guess we will be individual in what we like and enjoy, I attach an example.

I mostly can have a day of relaxing and chilling without feeling guilty and beating myself up nowadays, but there are many things I can still be hard on myself about...it’s good we recognise it

youtu.be/RMEkQqK3oVk(Not working as expected?)

All good wishes to you 🌹🌹

[Hidden]

Hi Blue Aurora,

You’re preaching to the choir<3 definitely feel this way too. I think it has to do with upbringing or the environments we have been exposed to. I grew up with a Mom who wanted the best for me, but was heavy handed on the criticism, and frugal on the nurturing loving words. I think we internalize the dialogue of the people we’re around the most, even if we don’t mean too. I don’t think there’s a cure to having high expectations for yourself, but maybe reward yourself (within reason), or if the negative thought or word pops up, maybe for every negative thing, you have to respond with one or two positive things about yourself so you’re reminded of the good in you too. It feels like a war sometimes right! But you deserve to have someone tell you nice things about yourself, even if the person who is most unkind to you is yourself

[BonnieSue]

Hi BlueAurora,

I have had trouble with over-thinking just about anything. I think (ha ha, caught that? "I think..." regarding over-thinking?) Anyway, I think it's best to use this phrase from Dr. Abraham Low's successful program from many many years ago, before medication was around: "Stop it! Drop it!" I picture myself physically dropping the over-thinking down to the ground and not looking back at it or thinking about it. Instead I focus my mind's eye on something positive or beautiful OR...my next task I need to do...anything good that's not over-thinking. I repeat the words every time I try to drag up the over-thinking, refocusing on something else and eventually I am trained not to have it in my mind's eye.

I know it sounds simplistic but maybe it is it's simplicity that helps it to work so well. It's retraining of your habits that hurt you and that's what you've asked for. I hope you take good care of you because you're the one and only you and therefore a valuable original creation, and no one can replace you. I'll be praying for you. Hugs and love!

[hypercat54]

Hi imagine your best friend was going through what you are. Would you be hard on them? Or would you be understanding and loving? Well pretend you are talking to your best friend when you talk to yourself and see if this helps.

Another thing you can do is deliberately follow each negative comment about yourself with a positive one. For example if you tell yourself how lazy you are staying in bed for so long, follow it with congratulations for getting up at all feeling so lousy. This is hard at first but keep on doing it and eventually it becomes automatic and your mood will improve. x

[NCAQuilter]

I've always understood that to lose a bad habit, one needs to replace it with a good one. For a while both the good and bad will run beside each other. Just recognizing you are staying in bed, and don't like it is the start of a good habit. Now would be a good time to explore what you could do other than just being in bed. Turn on pleasant music? It's OK if that is too much to do now; just the thought intrudes on the negatives. Something else? What would you enjoy doing if you just stayed in bed? Try to find something positive about the action you are beating yourself up about. Hunt; it's there. 'Staying in bed today is giving me respite from the overwhelming task of facing the day.' What would you enjoy doing if you got up? The emphasis is on what you see as good to be doing, not that you are bad for not doing. Daydreaming! Sure, the negative thoughts will out pace the others for a while, but, if you can get them quiet for just a second, that's progress. The plan is to replace the negative thoughts with more positive ones. The hope is to then replace the action of hiding in bed with an action that you deem to be positive and enjoyable.

Replacing old habits can take a lot of time and energy, but if you patiently keep at it, success is yours. And, there is NO timeline or progress report to be made here. No judgement is relevant.

Try to take 'should' out of your vocabulary. Try to replace it with 'could'. As, 'I could have done that. Next time I'll do that.' This is a more positive approach, and breaks the 'should/shouldn't' pattern.

You can do this. It's a challenge, but, you are so worth it!

[BonnieSue in reply to NCAQuilter]

Wow! Crazy! You're describing my suggestion with the "Stop it! Drop it!" phrase and redirecting thoughts to something else positive or interesting...but you're teaching me to look at it from your perspective...that of replacing a bad habit with a good one. Thank you! I hadn't realized the similarity, but of course that's the goal. I had forgotten that phrase about losing a bad habit and replacing it with a good one. Thanks again!

I very much agree with getting rid of "shoulds"...they are deadly. I say to my mom "Avoid "shoulds" and say, (for instance), "It would be IDEAL (not: I should finish) if I finish this book before it's due, but I'll renew it if I need to." But you've shown me I could use "could" just as well...this is the 1st time I've heard about this. Thank you, again!

[NCAQuilter in reply to BonnieSue]

So happy you found such value in my suggestions. As I said, it will take time to replace such a deeply seated habit, but hang in there. If you get stuck, call on me. I have hints for that, too.

[Hidden]

I don't know in terms of the question said.