Hi. It's been a while since I've posted on here. It almost feels like a small celebration by going so long. I often will come here when I feel so small and nowhere to go. Once again, I am feeling so.
I used to be a bad person. And although I am not that person anymore, it makes me so sad to think about the people I've hurt along the way. At this point and time reaching out to make amends wouldn't do any good. How do I even begin the immense task of forgiving myself? There is so much to how I'm feeling and afraid to type it all out here for sake of being judged on my past mistakes.
However, what I will say is, why do we hurt the people we love? Why did I hurt people I've loved? And when those people have hurt me equally, why did we continue loving each other? And now that we are no longer in each other's lives, why do I hang onto the pictures and memories and still miss them even though in the end we weren't right for each other?
So many whys and nothing to show for it. I'm afraid to be the old me, the one who hurt others and herself.
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Things were brought to my attention early this year of how I hurt some people in the past when I was much younger. Most I had forgotten. I am still living with the guilt, though it has lessened.Like you, l see no point in trying to make amends. I only heard third hand that these people had been complaining about me. I still get flashbacks of those conversations. I have learned to move on and be kinder to myself.
It is all to easy to be beaten up by tbat inner critic. You know you are a better person now. Please try and take comfort from that.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. And yes, there is comfort in knowing that I'm a better person now. As they say, dwelling on the past doesn't do much good
Wow! This is an eye-opener for me because I'm grappling with the same questions! Why do we hurt those we love? Great question! I'll seek to answer it through a recent experience I had. I lost my mom last year and am grieving tremendously. Someone stepped up as an enormous support for me. It's a very complicated story that ended with us hurting each other. We didn't seek to hurt each other. For me at least, I was in a very dark place and ended up snapping at the person I thought would understand. For her, one possible explanation I got was that she got too emotionally invested in me and it scared her. and she didn't know how else to respond. I mean, I do remember her saying that what I was going through was hard for her as well. Why do we continue loving them? I think it's because we are in shock and disbelief that what happened actually happened. We want to turn back time and have it be how it was. I know that I couldn't believe it and was horrified right after I verbally hurt her. It's been almost a year now and I'm still in a state of disbelief. For her, one possible explanation is that she was very hurt that her friend, whom she had been doing so much for, would hurt her. She's in disbelief and wants her friend back like she was before.
Something I was told is that sometimes cutting off all contact is a way of caring (in a very round-about way since the immediate result is that it's too painful for words). It's a way of saying, "I still love and care for you, but I just can't believe what I've done to you. I'm just so sorry and I don't want to hurt you ever again".
I like how you put it into words. Sometime bowing out is the right thing to do. While cheering them on when you see them post a positive thought or photo. Love from afar
Thanks! You got it! It is indescribably painful to go through, though. One of the things keeping me going is the thought that maybe this person does still care -- that she cares enough to let me go.
your post hit my heart because i too, used to be a horrible person before god changed me
i used to hurt all sorts of people and left so much pain and destruction in my path, like a hurricane!
and unfortunately even though alot of my mistakes and choices were decades ago--- it ruined many relationships for good, for ever.
it took me years to forgive myself, long after the lord forgave me. the peace that has come from my letting it go, coming to terms and understanding that let the past be the past---- alot of working thru that over the years, alot of wrestling with god on it all.
my point it: i hope u can find peace and forgiveness for your self, and come to realize that maybe some things just arent meant to be, and that is ok
You have a strong "conscience". Not everybody does. In my case, I never hurt anyone, but have been the recipient of others' poor treatment, including my brother and sister. They are out there, walking around, knowing I am alone now, knowing they were horrible to me, knowing they took out their frustrations about their own miserable lives on me. They were jealous. That was 2 years ago. They are gone.
My struggle is how to forgive THEM. I don't. As a Christian, I'm supposed to, but they each deserve to have a troubled conscience. Maybe they're not bothered at all though, and are happy. I will never know. When people ask if I have any siblings, I tell them "No". I also took them out of my Will. I was the caregiver for each of my parents, and then God took them. It was Me who held them as they each took their last breath. God sees everything. I have decided that is where I need to leave things.
So, I recite the Serenity Prayer all of the time. It helps.
I think I was at one point I was a "bad person" or I precieved or just was messed up and thought I was .. idk but I definitely burned some bridges and hurt some people, usually unintentionally but it happens. After I got my head more together I tried to make amends with all of them because I felt bad about it. It worked with a few people and didn't with a few others. But now I don't feel bad about it because I changed, and I tried to do what I figured was the right thing to do. Got some friends back from it, still some are gone but I don't feel guilty now. My way of thinking is if I do somebody wrong, if I feel I was the issue then I should apologize. If they don't care after that then it's like whatever I tried kind of thing. And the few who after over a year of not talking to me or anything actually forgave me it meant alot so idk . For me trying to make amends or succeeding made my "I feel like a shitty person for doing this" go away .
If you're not already enrolled, you sound like you'd benefit from therapy.
Also, I wouldn't necessarily rule out apologizing. I know it can feel embarrassing and shameful to recall what we've done, especially, when the person doesn't accept our remorse, but at least you can say you tried to make amends for the situation. Some might reject you, and some might want to rekindle the relationship. Either way, owning up to your mistakes might help you deal with this tremendous guilt.
I will say that if you know the person is in a happier place and reappearing in their life would only drudge up old pain for them, then yeah, leave them in peace. Consider that your good deed to them.
I went through this and read that everything good, bad and ugly that we did in our past we did at the time to protect ourself and survive and we might have even known better, which was rare, but couldn't act any differently for whatever reason. No matter how hard we try we can't change our past and it is what brought you here now. We only gain wisdom by experience and gain hindsight because of our lived experiences.
It does no good to continue to not forgive yourself and is just another form of self-abuse. Ask yourself if someone was was bad to you and was still abusing themselves would you not want them to forgive themselves so they could get on with their life.
No matter how hard you try, you will not be able to be the old you because you can't unlearn what you have learned and the knowledge and wisdom you have gained by living thus far.
You might try writing letters to those who you feel you wronged, you don't have to send them but it can be a way of getting closure for yourself.
Thank you. Your words were greatly put. I hate having to have learned the lessons I did as I did. But as you said, I can't unlearn those lessons and eventually regress to that old life. Thank you for the advice
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What do i do
I hate myself
Afraid of doing things for myself 
How do I tell parents about my depression?
How do i tell if its my brain playing tricks or im supposed to feel this way?
