For at least 2/3's of my life I have dealt with extreme anxiety, occasional depression, and persistent marijuana usage. I had always known I did not have a handle on my own emotions but as long as things around me went well I tended to stay happy. I started smoking cigarettes and marijuana around 14 and 22 years later I finally realize truly that all I was doing was trying to cover up my emotions with drug use. I felt that since I was a functional Marijuana smoker that it was OK to use daily as it helped relieve my stress and anxiety and helped me to sleep. It became rare that I would go one day without getting high constantly throughout the day and the days I could not smoke I became more anxious and eventually would become irritable and even more depressed. On occasion I would turn to drinking but rarely more than a once a month if that basis. Recently I was going through a bout with anxiety and turned to drinking almost nightly for two months just to get myself asleep.
Outside of High School I have never had many friends and until recent never had any friends that I truly trusted and talking with my family about things never seemed to do anything besides cause more anxiety and depression.
I met someone about 9 months ago and we became inseparable often spending at least 5 days a week together and many times every waking hour , she opened me up unlike anyone ever before and admittedly I fell in love with her. My friend is gay and although she has expressed that she loves me as a friend and it would never go further than that it did not make me feel any less in love with her and we were starting to make deep life plans together. A little backstory on myself is that at 36 I have never had a girlfriend, never been kissed romantically, and am a virgin. I have chosen to abstain from relationships most of my life because of the fear of becoming too attached to someone who may just not feel the same about me. With my friend it was never a matter of if she would ever fall in love with me that upset me but the thought that eventually she would just get bored of me and I would be left on my own thinking about all of the things we had dreamed up together. Eventually my friend ended up finding a girlfriend and I was happy for her but it made me worry that things would change between us and that would feel uncomfortable seeing the two of them together. I told my friend my thoughts and let her knwo that I truly was in love with her but most importantly I just loved her and wanted to see her happy but hoped that part of that would be to remain in each others lives. Initially she reassured me that nothing had changed but I got to a point where because of psychological issues felt that she was starting to ignore me and that she even started to resent me.
I went from talking with this person literally every day to her not answering my messages for days after me telling her I was having some anxiety and her assuring me that things between us were OK. Eventually I decided to visit her at work something I had done many times before and a lot of times I would spend the entire work day with her. I asked her if everything was OK between us and she claimed it was but there were so many things that pointed that something was wrong. I began to worry that it was likely something I said or did but no matter how hard I thought about it I could not think of one thing that could have justified the way I felt I was being treated. After about 3 weeks of our daily conversations having become a thing of the past I stopped in to her work again and it was like everything was OK and we had some great conversation bu then she did and said several things that led me to believe that she was just pacifying me so that she didn't have to deal with my emotions. Since she had never actually said anything was wrong a week later I stopped into work again this time to ask again was OK not only between us but with her as she has also went through depression in the past. She came across very coarse and left me feeling heartbroken but told me that she would let me know what the problem was that night and promised to call, text, or stop by. After two days of not hearing anything I decided to reach out and write a letter telling her what was going on with me, how I understood she has her own problems to deal with and that it would give me peace of mind just to let me know things would be OK eventually.
During this whole experience I had been going through withdrawals from marijuana unlike ever before because I would have some for a few days and then go a week without. I had turned to drinking at night because it helped me to sleep and because I was able to function the next day I never thought it a problem. Eventually it got to a point that right after dinner I would drink myself into a stupor and a few of those nights I wrote my friend a few more letters again just to assure her that I wasn't asking for help but just wanted to knwo what was going on as I felt ashamed that I had done something wrong and my mind would not stop trying to figure out what I did or trying to make things right. Eventually my friend messaged me and the whole time I figured she was reading my letters only to eventually find that she had not and had assumed I was writing negative things about her because I titled them things like my apology. I really felt I had done nothing wrong but since I thought she did I wanted to apologize for anything that could have been misconstrued as offensive. When my friend finally messaged me it was only to ask me for a favor and once I answered her she never answered anything I asked her and I felt used as the only time in over 30 days she messaged me it was because she wanted something from me. She eventually messaged me a couple days later and immediately came of callous and eventually told me she stopped talking with me because of my depression and she did not want to be around it. She said some hurtful things to me when all I had ever done was be there for her and I felt betrayed. I was drunk at the time and had for the 1st time in my life started feeling suicidal the past couple weeks before. When she kept saying things that at the time I took offensively I almost grabbed my knife that was right in view and slashed my wrists. I told her I was suicidal and all she did was tell me get help and said some things that made me feel berated. I eventually told her about the issues I was having with withdrawal and how it was making me stuck inside my head being tormented by nothing but bad thoughts about how I really had nothing good going in my life and losing her felt like the last straw as I no longer had anyone to turn too. She basically told me I wasn't worth her time and emotion to deal with and that she should not have felt obligated to have messaged me when she promised to do so. Between the anxiety and depression being brought on by withdrawal form marijuana and drinking all I ever wanted to know is what the problem was and she took it as I wanted her to fix my situation. I almost never get angry but drinking seems to effect my brain in a way that it brings out all of the bad emotions. My friend did eventually say some intentionally hurtful stuff and after blocking me and then deleting an art account we created together I in a stupid fit of rage said something to a mutual friend that I immediately regret but never intended to hurt her I just felt so hurt and it made me lash out.
I had already realized that once I got to the point of feeling suicidal that the drinking was something that I would immediately stop. I also decided that I would be quitting smoking cigarettes and marijuana because i believe now that although they seemed to help with my stress they were contributing to my depression. My friend reached out to let me know that as a result of what I said that she no longer wanted to be friends and told me she hoped I would get better and wished me a prosperous life. With as much as I hurt her I felt some solace in knowing that she did still care about my well being. I wrote her one last message to apologize one last time and let her know some plans I had to get better and that I would not attempt to contact her unless she contacted me and tried to say my final goodbye. The next day she texts me at 1 in the morning and tells me she is drunk and starts berating me telling me how I had deserved it. By this point I had already had an awakening and realized that I could no longer worry about things I could not change and although it upset me to hear her say things about me someone who she had told she had loved as much as a friend she had since childhood, I just responded back politely only to be harassed several more times. I eventually just told her I am not going to message her back even if she wants to say negative things and would not allow her to hinder my progress at trying to get better.
I have lived a large portion of my life devoid of friends and tend to be more motivated when I am on my own. When I do have friends I tend to have a small circle of people I let into my life and usually have one go to friend that I would tend to do and share things with. I went from feeling alone again to feeling depressed to eventually something snapping in my brain and telling me to wake up to how I have contributed to many of my problems. I went almost 3 of the past 5 years without a job and as a result I had spent everything I had. I had tried the last two years making it on my own and up until 6 months ago I was feeling the best I ever felt in my life but lost a huge source of my income and as I had to worry more and more about money I would occasionally become depressed. I had come to terms years ago about not having been in a relationship and always felt that it was not something that I would push for and just hoped eventually it would come naturally.
I realize now that had I not spent money on marijuana and cigarettes that I would likely be in a much better place in my life. I have spent literally about 150000$ if not more over time between marijuana and cigarettes. Had I spent the money on other things I could have probably owned a house by now and would be financially stable. Instead I still live with my parents and have never moved out. I never have got a license because I have extreme motion sickness and it only gets worse if I am driving let alone looking forward while driving. I have lived in fear of almost any situation where I am unsure of the outcome and as a result have missed out on many opportunities that could have helped me. I was driven to smoking initially by peer pressure and eventually most of the friends I related with smoked marijuana to so I never wanted to quit because I thought it would make them not want to be around me anymore. I have reached a point in my life where I want to be free of drugs and have even been phasing caffeine out of my diet as I drank way too much strong coffee and I see know how much it contributes as well to my anxiety and restlessness.
I have always walked and or biked everywhere I go but have started to exercise even more to keep myself active. I am reaching a week free of everything but a few cigarettes a day as I try to quit entirely. My biggest concern has always been how I would react to not having smoking as a way to alleviate stress and help me sleep. I have gone a couple days without sleep and then ended up sleeping most of the last two days and am feeling constantly sick and cold even in 90 degree temperature. Although my mind feels better than ever my body right now feels week and I have spent my last two weeks indoors just trying to feel better. I would like to know if anyone out there has gone through a similar situation and how they cope with it. I am looking into natural stress and anxiety remedies but have never found anything to help with sleeplessness outside marijuana. I know that therapy could help me but do not feel that just verbalizing things with another is going to change much but feel I likely need medication for generalized anxiety disorder. I have always feared medication as I have seen to many times the side effects being worse that the symptoms they treat and do just worry that if I was put on prescriptions that they would numb my sub consciousness and make me a different person. I know that at this point I have to do something to get better otherwise it will likely lead me to death or at the least sever health issues. Not smoking has severely decreased my appetite and I am sleeping more during the day than at night. I just worry that as my body becomes free of cigarettes, marijuana, and caffeine that the stress of not sleeping is just going to lead me back into anxiety. I am doing so well right now, thinking so much more clearly, and feeling so much more positive for the future than ever before but would like to know some ways to help get through the rest of the time while my body becomes used to being drug free. Thank you for anyone who actually took the time to read this.
Slowly losing faith again…
Tension headaches 
Struggling with medication
i do not want to be a mom. 
