Don’t hide your heart away (I love you Mom)

[Tikirob]

Today I am a going to be a different person. It’s not even possible to continue holding grudges. I want to share this with anyone who at the moment is maybe holding back on making amends with a friend or family member. I was struggling with OCD and living alone and I got physically sick. I worry everyday about health anxiety and it effects me to the point where it’s hard to keep up with myself, so when I got sick those worries spiraled and being alone I felt very unloved. At this point in my life my anxiety had effected most of my relationships in a negetive way. I was starting to think about leaving where I live and escaping from all the critics. In my fantasy I would head out in my car and change my phone number only giving it out to a few people who were still talking with me. I thought if my parents, who are elderly, still loved me, The would seek me out and tell me they care about my anxiety and that I had left.

I just had returned from first med with what turned out had been a viral asthma related episode and my mom called. I told her that I had gotten sick and complained that she and my father did not support me as much as they could have. My mom and I had tumultuous relationship. She started to interrupt me and being sick mentally and physically I got upset and hung up. All the times my mother had talked over me came back to me. I felt abandoned by her argument. It gave me conviction that I needed to separate from her and when she called back I told her, “Mom don’t call me anymore” and hung up the phone. Her birthday passed, Thanksgiving, she tried to call, Christmas passed, then New Years. I had opportunities to go to a holiday party that my Mom attended and I avoided it. I am going through a separation with my partner and spent the holidays at home cleaning my belongings out. It was hard enough just trying to concentrate on that but it was going well. I was working hard at it trying to overcome my fear of germs in the process. I just wanted to concentrate on that so I could move on.

My mom called again after New Years, I just erased the message it said she loved and missed me I heard it today. I wanted my mom to leave a message saying sorry or that she understood the lack of love I felt from her and my father. Once I got my anxiety under control maybe I could contact her.

My Mom passed away yesterday. I never got to say goodbye. I spent most of the day feeling sorry that I had hid my heart from her and that her tough lived life had ended. That I was unable to say goodbye. And that I was so stubborn not to calm her even if was just to say hello and make her feel less sad and anxious. I would do anything to make that happen now but I can’t shes not around.

I thought to share this with anyone upset with a close person who they feel does not understand their anxiety disorder or trying to distance themselves from feeling unloved. There were hardships with my Mom but so many times I had called her when my OCD flared up and was afraid I was dying. She always comforted me by telling me things would be fine. Yet in between those times we disagreed and argued and she would talk over me and I felt unvalued the conversations bringing up past pain and childhood trauma. But I failed in those moments to see thst as much as she hurt me she really loved me, and I loved her.

Now she is gone. I would do anything just to have had the opportunity to say Goodbye and I Love You.

I am filled with regrets of being so stubborn of feeling like I needed a special kind of love do my mental health disorder. Yet in doing that I ignored the love I had got over the years. I felt I needed a break from the arguments with my mom and from people who did not understand my disorder,. But now I need them more than ever.

I thank all of you that have been there to support me on this dialogue.

Mom I Love You!

[tamka38]

Sorry for your loss, praying for you and

[Tikirob in reply to tamka38]

Thank you

[AZ1970]

My eyes are tearing up reading this. I am so sorry for this huge loss. It does sound like your mom loved you with as much as she was able to give you. I am glad she reached out to you so you have those memories and knowledge that she hadn't given up on you. Please be gentle with yourself. I know you wish you could go back and change things. Your mom doesn't feel that way, she holds no grudges (wherever she may be based on your beliefs). She feels nothing but pure love for you.

[Tikirob in reply to AZ1970]

Aww thank you for the comfort. She did love me and she had a hard time showing it but as I look back on it and in the end she loved me more than I ever knew. Thanks for your kind words and I need to start just understanding my moms love or me would forgive me for being distant I just feel like such a fool for my frustration at her and my life at the time.

[Amandabridge]

I am so sorry for your loss, it’s not easy losing a parent, remember you weren’t well yourself,

I found my father dead, I beat myself for along time, with the whys and ifs,

I wasn’t in a great place before or After he died. But I have learnt not to be so hard on myself. It achieves nothing to think negative. Stay strong and just go with the flow of emotions. U are not on your own. Take care

[Agora1]

Tikirob, my heartfelt sympathy on the loss of your mother.

[Tikirob in reply to Agora1]

Thanks for your well wishes!

[Sunnidayz1]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I agree with AZ please dont beat yourself up.

We sometimes allow ourselves to suffer meanwhile they are filled w love and in a better place. Thank you for posting your true feelings about this. It has helped me. Im crying over here. Seriously.

[Tikirob in reply to Sunnidayz1]

Thanks, I hope I didn’t make you too sad! I am having such a tough time. Recently I wanted to just forget the world, my friends had become distant. I can’t get treatment for OCD in NY because it’s so severe. I felt abandoned living alone trying to get better alone. I was pushing people away by my actions and realized Ibwas effecting people so I isolated myself but with my mom I told her not to call me anymore because of my triggers with her and because we argued so much she was the easiest to become upset at. But she was also the easiest to reach out to if I was desperate for help. She could not help me with my illness and there is a history of trauma with her but she would always pick up the phone to tell me things will be ok when I was worried at the doctors. For those of you who may have had tough childhoods or parents where the love was not easily available I want to share from my experience that if you look at the history of your relationship you can find some good moments. I understand there are people who have had severely abusive parents and in no way I trying to say how to deal with that but the things that I was angry at my mom for now that she has passed are forgiven.

[Sunnidayz1 in reply to Tikirob]

Im fine. I could relate to family situation. My parents are ignorant sometimes and it's frustrating. I had to let the cry out. It made me feel better actually.

I dont have OCD but Im sure it's very hard to get through- I have my own problems..lol. I suffer from anxiety and panic, sometimes PTSD.

What else can be done to help you with the symptoms? Is getting the right mix of meds the best solution? Im sure stress makes symptoms worse.

[Tikirob in reply to Sunnidayz1]

I wish I knew. I am in need of residential treatment and there are three places in the US that offer that. But it costs like 30,000 USD and I do not have it. I have been doing a holistic route in the meantime and it has helped me in many ways, but need cognitive therapy. I took a few meds but the created other issues and did not work that well for me.

[Sunnidayz1 in reply to Tikirob]

Oh I see. Do some research online about what can be done. There are millions of people who suffer. Good luck to you. And continue to write on the boards here, many great people to help.

Take care.

[kenster1]

I am so sorry to hear that.really feel for you and your family.god bless and take care.

[Tikirob in reply to kenster1]

Thank you so much.

[Amandabridge]

Hi,

I have been thinking of u and ur loss,

I am a mother of Four older daughters. If there is one thing I know for sure, no matter what was said or not there is a unbroken bond between a mother and child that goes beyond death. Ur mum knew u and her love was a I am sure unconditional. And I bet her wish would be for u to lead a happy and healthy life above anything else in this world. Because that’s what I want

For all of mine, regardless of anything that life has to bring. I ain’t going to lie grief is the hardest thing I have been through so far. It’s the bloody unresolved, u are going to go through a whole gambit of emotions. When the shock settles and u have time to process what has happened it will get easier, I promise. Take care Ab

[Tikirob in reply to Amandabridge]

I am going through the floods now. Your words as a mother have a special meaning to me. Thank you for giving me that perspective. In being angry at my mom for not being able to communicate with me better when I was distressed my ears were so deaf to the message you referred to that all she wanted was the best for me. I wanted someone who was going to be a hero for me and meanwhile she needed a hero too with all she was struggling with. I was not looking at the big picture that my mom was loving me and behind me all the way. I was too busy trying to move forward to grasp that.

[Agora1 in reply to Amandabridge]

Beautifully said x

[Catwoman2018]

My heart breaks for you. Your mom will always be with you in your heart, even though you needed time apart. I lost my mum few months ago and I was lucky to have a close relationship with mine. I would give anything to be able to hug my mum now. Try and stay strong, grieving is so hard and if you ever want to talk, I'm here for you. Sending you big hugs. x

[Tikirob in reply to Catwoman2018]

Thanks Catwoman, I just returned from petting my best friends cats. I had not petted them as often do to my ocd fears but it felt good to be able to show them love. I am so sorry to hear about your loss and losing not just a mother but a close friend. Thank you for sharing about it too and I definitely would like to keep in touch to talk about it. I hope as sad it is there is some understanding that comes from it for it, sending hugs and love too!

[AuntBee]

Your post made me cry. Grieving is hard enough, but especially when we feel there is unfinished business. I just thought I would tell you that it might help to write a letter to your mom. You could write her as often as you would like, after all, grieving feelings go through a process.

[Tikirob in reply to AuntBee]

That’s good advice, thank you, I need to get it out of me the self hatred I have at the moment and honor my mom in words.

[Hidden]

So sorry for the loss of your mom. Try to remember the good moments with her, something that will make you smile 😌