**FOLLOW-UP** Trigger warning: I know, it's not fair, but, it's right there...

To follow up on what I posted about my niece & son. Yes, it was the worse thing that I could write. I was cruel. Heartless. Selfless.

I will say this one thing & I do mean each word; no matter how tough life gets with her, I welcomed her into my home in the most difficult time of my life.

She came to live with me when I already lost my father & mother & I was still mourning their deaths. In my story, in my profile, I did mention how complicated it was for me when my mother passed away. I was struggling really hard. I still was when I made the choice to have my niece live with us.

The reason I wanted her to live me is because her mother was never around. She was an addict. Her father, my brother, cannot keep a job, never kept his anger under control, neglected her too much, & every girl he had, he allowed his daughter to call mom. Also, she’s seen so many cops come & go. Her mother did drugs while pregnant with her. She seen people try to kill themselves in front of her. And while my brother lived with us & when we visited his other homes, we just have seen too much that made us know he was not fit enough. We just asked him to sign his rights away until he got his shit together.

We got her the day before her 4th birthday & she’s been with us ever since. 3 Years now.

Maybe it wasn’t the perfect timing, having him sign his rights over. When I was still trying to mourn my parents. My head was still fucked up over losing my mother, especially over the huge fight we had 3 days before her passing. But I did it. She needed help. She needed to be in a more stable home with people who would give her the freedom, love, care, and space to grow as she needed.

I know in my prior post I mentioned that when my niece came to me to tell me about what my son did to her the 1st time, that I thought she was lying, I did think that but, I did not ignore it her cry for help. I was scared. I was worried. I was concerned. I was naive.

I went to my daughter, I asked if my son did anything to her as well. She told me no, not at all. I asked her if she’s ever seen him do it to my niece. She told me she’s never seen anything at all. From that day when my niece told me, & I asked my daughter the questions, I also asked my daughter to please, when I am busy cleaning the house (which I was doing a lot, no one ever helped me, ever.), and her brother is inside & so is her cousin, to please be with them both at all times because I cannot always be there. I asked her to come to tell me if she sees anything strange going on, anything & when she leaves to go into another room or anything, to come & tell me. I told her this was very important to do. She told me she understood. Now, at this time, my son was about 15/16, my daughter was 11/12, & my niece was 4. I trusted my daughter to keep her word.

I was dead wrong of course. One of the days, she forgot the promise she made to me. I am not even sure if that was the first time either & feel so horrible about it. But, I saw she did not tell me this one time & I caught my son inside the Tardis I had thrown away, with my niece, with blankets blocking part of the doorway. He had a startled look on his face & I asked, without accusing them of anything, what was going & why there were blankets like that. My niece pops out saying; “Playing Doctor Who”. All I could do, without losing my shit was, ask my niece to come to help me clean the kitchen & maybe we can bake some cookies.

I honestly believe that was the moment my son knew I made him. He knew that I knew what he was doing to her. He did not look at me the same again & he asked to call his dad so he can go home. I told him yes, call your dad.

I did mention this to my husband. He did not want to believe any of it. He just said that some kids make up stories. I believed of course. I have seen it all over my boys face.

From then on, everything else unfolded with my son & my niece. I turned my son in & in the beginning, my husband told me I made a mistake by turning my son in. That, when I got that call from CYS about his fathers home not being livable & my son needed to come live with us, I should have just let my son come live with us, with my niece, that he sexually assaulted. He made me feel like shit.

That is the 2nd time that I protected my niece. If I had known that my son was going to be that kind of child. I would have been able to prevent that. Yes, my niece told me once before about it. I know. But, as I said, I was scared & naive, I just did not want to believe it. But, I did, I thought I did the right thing by having my daughter watch him for me but, instead, she walked away with letting me know. I cannot be everywhere at once. I was the only parent home, taking care of 3 children & cleaning a house up after them all. This is something that I will live with for the rest of my life. Trust me. I don’t need perfect strangers making me feel even more like shit because of it.

I am and have been for the past 2 years, making up for the mistake that I had made. And doing it all on my own. I gave up everything just to be able to do what is in my power to make this right for her. I am the one that goes into each & every therapy session with her. My husband does not. I’ve held her hand through this entire process of healing. I’m always there. Her bedroom now is downstairs off of the living room. My bedroom for the past 2 years has been the living & my bed has been the couch. 98% of the time, that couch is shared with my niece because she wakes up in the middle of the night needing to be next to me. 2 years straight now this has been. I have not once slept in the same bed with my husband. I don’t know what it feels like to have his manly arms around me at night anymore. I only what it feel likes having tiny little precious hands holding my hands. I did that for her. Because I love her.

I have been putting my own mental health on hold for a long time because I do not have time anymore. I am always too busy cleaning, taking care of the needs of my children, including my niece, taking care of the needs of this house, my dog, work, & I just got a 2nd part time job too. My nieces' mental health & disabilities fill most of my free time. It takes me, most times, nearly 30-60 minutes to complete a paragraph of these posts because she needs my attention for something she needs (every 1-5 minutes) or because she’s flipping out about something, or she’s getting into something that she already knows that she’s not allowed to get into.

I know that I need to see a therapist for myself but I just do not have the time. So, you know what I do instead, just to calm the activeness inside my head? I get a 2nd job. Thinking that having 2 jobs should keep my head busy enough so that I don’t about how stressed I am, how much I am truly fucking suffering inside each & every single day. I just something. Anything.

Before my niece did come here. I did see therapists. The ones I have seen, neither of them did shit to help me. One just kept going in fucking circles with each visit. I was just getting nowhere. The other was never even trained to be the kind I needed but she talked anyway. Still was a waste of my time.

I guess it’s just safe to say, with even my past history with a therapist, they’re just not meant for me. I do better speaking with friends or family or maybe in settings like this.

Yes, in my prior post, it’s true, so much has fucking changed when I signed those custody papers to have my niece live with. I certainly was not expecting to have multiple disabilities. But she does. Some of her behavioral issues were brought on by my own flesh & blood.

In that prior post, yes, I may say I resented her, but I don’t, I can’t. She did nothing. I know this. I just need more help from the one person that I am not getting it from. He thinks he knows certain things but he doesn’t. My niece is the type of child that you have to watch from the minute she wakes until the minute she sleeps. Even when she sleeps because she wakes up off and one throughout the night. If you take your eye off her for 1 second, something is stolen, something is on fire, something is destroyed, something is just something! I’m not even kidding. It seriously only takes a fucking second with her.

I always fear to go to work & my husband watches her. Many times I come back & my neatly arranged office supply tabletop, with all the bins filed nicely, are all gone through & missing a fuck-load of things. When I ask her where everything is, I only get, “I don’t know”. Then when I start checking her secret spots & find everything, she lies & starts her meltdowns which consist of, screaming for the entire neighborhood to hear, kicking me hard (leaving black & blue marks), biting, hitting, banging her head off walls, pulling her hair, & throwing things.

When she has her meltdowns, I usually, at first, walk away for a deep breath, & come back, grab her into a bear hug the best that I can, & just hug her tight & rock until she calms down. She’ll still kick, bite, scream, etc as I hug her tight, but I still hug her until she’s done.

I will tell you, there’s only so much one can take of this. I do this ALL THE TIME and I am losing my shit. This is why I made the fucking post about giving up. About how I cannot even take care of myself because I am always taking care of her. Her meltdowns like the one explained above, happen more than once per day. It happens when she does not get what she wants.

Aside from my living with serve depression, stress, & anxiety, I also live with chronic migraines. Nearly every day I have a migraine.

I love my niece. I protected her from her parents. I protected her from being further abused by my son. I’m giving her, literally, all of myself. I don’t know what else to do for. She’s in all forms of treatments. Her special summer camp starts soon. No matter how much & many times I truly wanted to give on her. I haven’t. I never will. Trust me. The only person I’ve given up on right now is myself. I have no time for me. Maybe just a tad I may have, which I use here.

I’m not an asshole, really, I’m not.

Our home may sound fucked up to you as well, but honestly, the only thing fucked up is what’s inside our heads. It’s what we let outside that matters. Outside, it’s nice. She’s loved. Outside, she sees nothing but love, care, & a great family.

[Hidden]

I read both posts and I feel traumatised for that little girl ...😔

[jkl5500]

Your posts and profile tell an incredible story. I only want to comment on one part of it, however.

If you get sick because you don't take care of your physical and mental health, then you won't be able to care for your niece either. It's time to get yourself the medical help that you need. Your husband needs to get involved and pitch in with the housework to give you a break.

I'm not interested in judging you. What's done, however tragic, is done. There is no "rewind" button in life, to go back in time and do things better. All you can do is move forward, and do the best you can.

I'm terribly sorry about all the enormous suffering you have endured in your life. You have been very open and honest about sharing your life story on here. In releasing all this pent-up emotion, I can understand using strong language to get your point across. But please understand that it officially isn't allowed, and many people on here find strong language offensive (by anyone, not just you).

I hope you find peace in your life. You really deserve it.

[maaslider in reply to jkl5500]

I just want to say, after reading her post, and personally i have never read such a devastating, complicated situation with the types of decisions that were made to help all these children and how frustrated, overwhelmed and no support in any aspect of her life it seems- chastising for several words I don’t know too many people that don’t occasionally let a similar or same “inappropriate “ word fly in a situation that is silly compared to what I read was really great for someone who already feels nobody is there to help, a few words of advice and gets scolded on here was necessary. Perhaps if after a few it was increasing, but we are adults and if one gets more upset than Hidden and her tremendous struggles atm, they need to do a grown up check on why so easily offended. I think it’s was not great timing for someone already maxed out on every level. If I was at a shrink and delivered all that extreme issues and I was scolded for 3-4 words in the hour, they’d hear quite a bit more as I left, never to go back to such an easily offended professional. Hidden, I didn’t really notice the 3-4x it was said, I actually have said it once today! I really hope you find the help that you need, you really touched me with what you’ve taken on and the decisions you have had to make. I don’t have anything right now, but I’ll be thinking about you and something that could help! Take care of yourself tho, if you start declining, your job/life with your family will suffer as you suffer. You’re brave,generous and a a great person from what I’ve read! Take care and hopefully someone or I can think of where to start! M

[Kkimm]

Hi

I really feel for you. You are doing an amazing job in caring for your neice, she desparately needs the love and care you are showing her. My professional background was in the care of children who have been abused and the care and love you are showing her is just what she needs. I am sorry if you felt judged by any of the contributions to your previous post which I did not see by the way. It is not usual for posters to feel judged and the strength of this site is the caring non judgemental attitudes that people show. I think it is likely that others will not have understood just how difficult it was for you when you discovered your son who you are used to loving and protecting may have been an abuser of your neice who you had taken into your home under great stress and difficulty. It was a very selfless thing to do to give her a loving home and to show her all the amazing love and care that she do desparately needs. I hope you can find the strength to never give up on her. You should also be involved in her therapy yourself and be being supported as it is an extremely difficult and skilled task to reparent a child who has suffered developmental trauma and abuse. Her needs will be very complex from her family background and the further abuse she has suffered. Do not give up on your son either, he needs your continued love and support. What has happened to him following your disclosure of his abuse? He too will need to undergo therapy to help him and prevent his problems becoming compounded and risk him being more likely to do something similar to another child. Your daughter will also need support. You probably now know that as a child she could not be held responsible for trying to protect your neice and therefore may also need therapy so she does not feel in anyway responsible for what happened. At the very least she needs that reassurance from you.

Finally you yourself really need and fully deserve help for your health problems. As another poster said your husband may be able to help more at home but you need professional help in the same way we all do when suffering from anxiety and depression. Your neice's recovery as well as your daughter's and son's well being depends on you being as well as you can be.

Please feel free to message me anytime if you feel it will help.

My very best wishes to you all.

Kim

[AuntBee]

I have read both posts. First, you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can help others. If the therapist doesn’t work out, find another. It can take some time in finding one that is right for you. Don’t give up the hunt. You are worth it.

Stop hiding from your life with a 2nd job. Use the time to figure out yourself, your niece, and your home life. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.

Sending you love and support.

[Angelfox2002]

You need a good friend who you can vent to (like this forum) and count on anytime with trust and honesty knowing it will stay between you two and you two only! This is honestly not an unusual situation, it’s unusual for one person to have to handle/balance it all - especially while in mourning and coping with your own mental health. I think the math equates your niece to about age 6 or 7 now, and your son is what 17-18? I’m not advocating their behavior in any way but at the ages they were when this happened, it could have been more innocent than we think, not allowed of course! But maybe and I mean a big maybe, she’s getting so much attention she is monopolizing on the victim role. Narcissistic behavior can start young and you mentioned prior and current disabilities. I think you handled everything as anyone would and to the best of your ability, no one is prepared for such things, especially alone and under duress while trying to help someone else’s already wounded child! You’re a Saint, where is your son and how has this impacted him? Please, If you need someone to talk to, I will inbox you my # and you can call anytime with your # blocked! I’m a great listener and currently unemployed with my own issues that I don’t need to vent, I need to listen and focus on my own action! I understand as well as forgive more than most so I apologize for what I said above if it’s taken wrong. I don’t know any of the parties in this matter, your teen son isn’ in this story much... yes he knew better at his age but was he given a chance to explain what happened, was he truly doing something inappropriate or was he possibly acting out? Never a good thing but ya never know with kids! I can tell that you need to forgive yourself 1st and foremost because none of this is your fault! Your intentions have been kind and genuine from the beginning! I praise you! I didn’t read any other comments bc I didn’t want to convolute what I had to say, but I’m going to read them now and I’m already prepared for attack lol.

[Angelfox2002]

You did not create it, you helped a child in need and it backfired.... as life almost always seems to do! Now you’re stuck picking up the pieces all by yourself.... smh! Just because you brought her into your home doesn’t make it your fault, please stop blaming yourself? How could you predict or prevent that? We do our best with what we have and what we know, that’s all that can be expected, you have proven your strength to a fault so don’t give up.... not on yourself or your family! Your son is 18 so he’s probably beginning his road to independence, this is the time for you to focus on yourself for yourself and your children! I’m not dismissing your niece but you’re giving her the love, care, family and help she needs. Someone has to take care of you!