Anxiety and Depression Support

39,639 members • 42,472 posts

I’m grateful but feeling guilty

I was just recently hospitalized and have gone back home to my parents. I also recently broke up with my bf of three years only to learn this weekend that he already has a new girlfriend. His name was still on our lease until just a week ago and he’s already “moved on”. He was supposed to be one of the good ones and he’s turned out to be worse than the rest. He’s a complete narcissist and I see that now and am doing what I can to heal and recover.

Here’s where the guilt comes in. I’m very grateful for my parents’ support and honestly probably wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for them. My Mom went through a lot of emotional turmoil this last week seeing me be hospitalized as I was and still am completely broken. Now that I’m at their house, she’s constantly hovering and asking a million questions. I’ve had to tell her multiple times to please let me breath and relax and I will figure things out when I can. I have to repeat myself so many times that I eventually snap at her and then she gets upset and sometimes will even cry. Then I feel like a bag of shit because I’ve hurt her feelings when I’m already in a shit ton of agony. I completely understand why she’s hovering but it makes me anxious and I don’t know how to deal with it. Then I feel guilty for being selfish for only thinking of myself. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Read more about...

Depression

35 Replies

oldest • newest

Jeff1943

Just remember the real partner of your dreams is out there right now desperately looking for you. Give it time, they will find you.

Hidden

in reply to Jeff1943

Jeff, I'm not trying to be contentious but there really REALLY isn't somebody for everybody. I'm 45 and still haven't found my love. If he ever existed he's probably been hit by a bus or something. I'm not a pessimist. Just being realistic. It's cruel to tell ppl they will someday meet their special person.

Jeff1943

in reply to Hidden

Never say die!

NWGal

Dear friend, have you asked her to sit down for a talk about how you're feeling? Something along the lines of "mom, I love you so much and am so thankful to be here. I realize you're worried about me but I'm okay. I just need some space to process everything." Just an idea.

Wishingforpeace

in reply to NWGal

I’ve tried. Maybe not in so many words because I’m really struggling to talk at all but I did tell her that I’m sorry she had to go through all that with me and am eternally grateful for her but I need her to back off and let me breath and figure things out.

Wishingforpeace

The guilt comes because I have to say it multiple times and but he third time, the tone of frustration is there and I can’t control that. Then she gets upset and I feel like a piece of shit.

Mrspjsmom

Tell your Mom you don't mean to snap at her. You just need time to process everything so you can put what you're feeling into words. Tell her you appreciate her help and know when you are ready to talk she will be there for you. I needed to do that with my husband. Now when I can find the words to explain he listens and we have become closer. As for the boyfriend, it hurts now but he is someone else's problem. When you least expect it I'm sure the right person will come along.

Wishingforpeace

in reply to Mrspjsmom

I did say that to her. I just have to keep reminding her which gets frustrating. I’m sure things will get better. I just feel a bit like I’m drowning right now.

Mrspjsmom

in reply to Wishingforpeace

I'm sure it will too. Give it some time and reach out here when you need to. HUGS!!!

Hidden

it's ok to be annoyed with your mom. She's family. I love my parents but i DO NOT like to touch them or even discuss my adult life with them. Everyone has boundaries. That's why love is so important.

Heavenly7

You are not a bag of shit. Yes your ex BF is a total narrcissist. Those of us who suffer from depression and anxiety are empaths. We are deeply caring and attract partners who feed off of our caring nature and use us. It's not selfish to need space when you are hurting. Don't feel guilty for needing to take care of yourself. If you can, express yourself to your mom and tell her that you are feeling like shit and set boundaries with her if she is making you feel worse. You are not broken. You are a human being that is hurting, please, please don't call yourself a piece of shit it only adds to your pain. I'm cheering for you!! Peace!

Cmarie12

Hi Wishingforpeace,

I'm going to assume your hospital stay was to do with your mental illness? You don't need to go into details but I'm sure it was very difficult for your parents.

As a mother of a 27 and 29 year old sons that also have been burdened with depression and anxiety (both are on medications that manage their symptoms), and being a highly sensitive person, I feel there pain during any dark spell in their lives.

The worst times are when they've been thru a breakup. I am a mom who also hovers. I was literally driving my younger son crazy with my checkins. My biggest worry was that he would harm himself and I wouldn't get to him quick enough. So what he has done for me is to promise that he will not harm himself and if he has those thoughts he is to let me know right away so I can listen while he talks or get him the necessary medical help. This has worked so far. He is no longer under my roof but he knows that he can call me at anytime day or night and I will listen or be there, what ever he requires at the time. Communication is so necessary.

So what I'm trying to say 😉 is perhaps your mom is scared. Maybe having a "I promise Mom that I will never get to the point of harming myself and will never keep you in the dark until it gets really bad again. I promise to be open about how I'm feeling so that you can be there for me." Then gently say that you appreciate her love and concern but you really need her to get back to normal life and that her letting you stay with her is a huge help as you know that she's never far away and that comforts you. Then have her promise to let you go to her if you need something and you give her permission to ask you maybe twice a day how you're doing.

That is my very lengthy suggestion. Whatever you decide, it sounds like she loves you very much and she is probably hurting a little too. I wish you hope, love and laughter in your very near future.

Hugs,

Marie

Wishingforpeace

in reply to Cmarie12

Thank you. That’s great advice to get and from a perfect person since you are on the other side of this kind of trauma. You’ve basically described exactly what I felt she would be feeling. I have told her that I’m ok now and will continue to tell her how I’m feeling. I have and always will go to her before I actually act on my thoughts which is exactly what I did this time but this time was definitely the worst I have ever been and I could see it terrified her. Thank you for your kind words and advice.

Hugs back,

Hope

Want2BHappy3

I'm guessing your NOT a mom? That's what we do, she kinda can't Help it. She's Terrified of something happening to You. So cut her some Slack. I've gotten myself sick worrying about my kids. They didn't have to let you come home. God did you a favor by getting rid of your ex, it could of been worse? Kids, gotten Married. This too will Pass

Wishingforpeace

in reply to Want2BHappy3

I don’t think the fact that I’m not a mom has anything to do with it. I know how she feels. I may not have children of my own but I am also a mothering type. I know it’s not the same but it doesn’t mean I can’t empathize. I have cut her slack but, no offence, hovering over your kids doesn’t help anyone but cause negative feelings and then guilt; hence my post.

Want2BHappy3

in reply to Wishingforpeace

Yes, it does because you have not experience what it's like. Yes you can have empathy, anybody can that's a feeling. Being in somebody else's shoes is a Whole different thing which you can't say you have been Correct? Well just have to agree to disagree your very emotional right now I understand so your not going to see anybody else's opinion because it Not what you want to Hear

Wishingforpeace

in reply to Want2BHappy3

If you actually read the whole feed, you would see that I have taken lots of advice and listened well. I am emotional but still rational. I don’t appreciate your comments and it is not supportive so please refrain from commenting. You’re actually being more offensive and argumentative then helpful and it’s unnecessary. I had a very nice conversation with my mom earlier today thanks to the good advice I received from other more rational people here and she understands her hovering is causing more harm than good. This is a forum for support, not criticism, so please do not comment on any of my posts moving forward if you cannot refrain from playing the “you’re not a mom so you can’t understand” card. Lastly, not everyone experiences empathy which is a huge problem in society. Good day to you.

Want2BHappy3

in reply to Wishingforpeace

Sorry, your NOT hearing what you want, but going on a website likes these exposing your what's going on in your life, you leave your self open to constructive criticism. I'm not purposely saying what I said to hurt you just giving you an opposing opinion. You should say off these site and Not share. Your Not emotionally strong enough to accept help. Seek professional help, this isn't for You. Sincerely take care

Supergirl1967

in reply to Wishingforpeace

Hi Wishingforpeace!

Glad things are moving forward. Have a great day!!

NoNo19

in reply to Want2BHappy3

I don't think your post is very helpful or comforting.

We're all hurting, please don't unintentionally come on here to nitpick or make people feel worse.

Thanks.

Want2BHappy3

in reply to NoNo19

I didn't mean to hurt her, just expressing another side which she isn't in a place to hear things she doesn't want to hear. I was giving an opinion. When you open yourself up you've got to know some are going to be VERY TRUTHFUL. Sometimes we need to HEAR it. A councilor will do the same thing

NoNo19

in reply to Want2BHappy3

I think Wishingforpeace would be happy to know you didn't mean to hurt her, as I said, it was unintentional. 😊

Unfortunately, every 'truth' (or perception thereof) is not helpful /encouraging and a more positive tactic would be to season our words with salt.

You gotta know who appreciates bluntness and who perhaps may not. I'm pretty sure this is a NOT situation. It's just being respectful is all. 😉

Have a wonderful evening!

Wishingforpeace

in reply to Want2BHappy3

Omg Want2Happy3 stop assuming I’m not in a place to hear it. I am! That’s why I posted. I appreciate blunt honesty as that is the type of person I am. What I don’t appreciate is assuming you know how someone feels when you have never met the person and making judgmental comment like “I’m guessing you’re NOT a mom”. The use of capitals also emphasized the criticism which, again, is unwarranted and not necessary. That is a boundary violation! You’re making assumptions that you are not entitled to make so just stop. Cmarie12 is also a mother and her advice was much better than yours. You sounded as if you immediately took offensive and basically bit my head off because I’m not a Mom. As I said before, please do not comment on my posts as you and I will not agree. Thank you NoNo19 for your support.

jmeyer406

You don’t have to answer this question but has something similar happened in the past and she felt she almost lost you? She Might think she is seeing the same signs as before and is overcompensating for what she felt she didn’t do enough of before.

Wishingforpeace

in reply to jmeyer406

I did have a breakdown in my twenties but it was more over family stuff. She’s seen me struggle over the years but this is the worst it’s ever been. I just had no fight left and it really scared her.

pink318

Hello,

Thank you for reaching out. I’m sorry to hear about your boyfriend.

Your Mom must be worried and scared. When I was having an asthma attack and having palpitations as a result of allergy in my medication, I saw how scared my Mom was. She kept asking me if I was OK. I’m glad you have your Mom with you. Just give her the assurance that you are doing fine so will not worry that much.

Praying for your for complete healing. Take care, keep us posted.

Wishingforpeace

in reply to pink318

Thank you. We actually had a nice talk last night and I explained how I was and that I’m doing ok now so she doesn’t need to hover. She’s such an amazing mom and I know seeing me the way I was absolutely broke her heart.

Thank you for your kinds words. I’m realizing lately that my ex was a huge narcissist and that will never change. I’m happy that I’m away from him as he was slowly sucking the life from me.

Katelan24

Babe I went through the same damn exact thing a year ago. I promise promise the pain goes away and it gets better ❤️

SnowWhite94

One thing my therapist told me that has stuck with me is that you are not responsible for how people react to what you say/think/feel. He told me this because I was always feeling guilty for hurting or even potentially hurting other people’s feelings. I was making myself suffer on the behalf of others, which isn’t okay. What is okay is being a little “selfish” sometimes. You have to do what’s best for you. It’s hard not to feel guilty but you shouldn’t feel guilty. Yes, your mom is worried about you and that’s completely normal and expected. And it’s really nice that she’s worried and cares so much. But she also needs to give you space and respect your wishes for your wellbeing. You’re not asking for much at all. Especially when you remind her of how much you love her and are grateful for her. You have such a kind heart, and if you get the chance you should tell her how it makes you feel guilty but you have to do what’s best for you. We all have boundaries and yours need to be respected. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve to feel better. I know all this is easier said than done but I really do hope you feel better and I’m sending you lots of hugs and strength right now. ❤️❤️

Wishingforpeace

in reply to SnowWhite94

Wow. That is probably the best advice I have ever heard. And you said it so elegantly. I hope you don’t mind but I think I may have to print that out and put it on my wall so I can keep reading it until I truly feel it because it is very true. It’s also harder said then done like you also said. Your therapist sounds amazing and so do you for saying that the way you did. Thank you so much SnowWhite94 ❤️❤️

SnowWhite94

in reply to Wishingforpeace

You’re welcome! Awe thank you so much! I don’t mind at all, I’d feel honored and I’m so glad to help. Yes, that advice has helped me in so many ways of feeling less guilt and also in turn not feeling as hurt/rejected by others. We can only control our own feelings, not others. And by how much guilt you’re feeling it’s easy to see you’re a very kind, thoughtful person, so you’re not being rude in any way by not feeling responsible (guilty) for “hurting” her feelings. You’ve reassured your mom and now it’s time to do what’s best for you. My therapist also gave me another quote that keeps me going, “You’ve survived 100% of your worst days. This too shall pass”.

I hope that helps you as well. 😊❤️

Wishingforpeace

in reply to SnowWhite94

It does. Thank you again so much. I can’t begin to express how much that helped 😊❤️

Supergirl1967

Wishingforpeace,

It is always a personal issue when someone you love is involved. Sometimes she Just WANTS to be appreciated and needed. When she feels unsure of her role she Hoover's. Tomorrow when you see her go up to her and hug her and tell her you love her, and love knowing she is there for you. That alone will open that door for you both.

Gently ask her to save a seat and explain how you feel. Leave that door open believe me she WILL come to you.

Breath and exhale, you can do this ;))

Also, stop being so hard on yourself. God is going to see you through even when you feel you can not make it through. Have faith. Relax, be kind to yourself.

Let us know how it goes!

Wishingforpeace

in reply to Supergirl1967

Thank you ❤️

Supergirl1967

in reply to Wishingforpeace

Your welcome. You got this....its mom.