Here is how I feel all the time. Here... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Here is how I feel all the time. Here is me!

aaronm
aaronm

One of my major triggers is people talking about me or making fun of me, or the perception of such. I don’t like general statements, posts, or letters. Being in the office for work is awful for me. My co-workers only know me at work. They really don’t know anything about me nor do I know much about them. Sarcasm is awful. I never understand the true intent.

“Are they talking about me? Are they making fun of me? What did I do? Did I offend somebody? I didn’t mean to. I want friends. I’m crazy and overbearing. I can be better. I should be better. It’s my fault. I’m sorry. I’m all alone. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t have any friends. I can do better. Nobody would know if I were gone. Maybe I should end it all. No, I can’t do that. I won’t do that to my children. Oh, the pain is so bad. I want the pain to go away. I must live with this terrible fate. Is there another way? I shouldn’t think like that. Why don’t I have any friends? I probably offended somebody. I can do better. I’m such an idiot.”

My closest loved ones know if you have something to say to me, just say it. Don’t hold back because as long as the end result is clear with understood expectations, I can recover much faster. I am starting to know some friends on here. I’m sorry if I’m not there for you as much as you would like. I try to be but I have to monitor my own triggers, which means I need to isolate myself. If I’m not posting or responding, I’m likely having a difficult time. I do check for messages regularly. If you ever want to talk, send me a private message. I love for people to reach out and I love to talk privately.

16 Replies
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This sounds really difficult I'm sorry :(

Would it help if you tried to talk to your coworkers a bit more? I think if you get to know them that might ease your worry. Otherwise don't sweat it. You can't control what other people are doing, so try not to worry about them. Just do your best at your job. Next time take a deep breath, you are doing fine!

aaronm
aaronm in reply to Eowyn7

I have a hard time trusting people. I don't want to get to close to people at work. I think its best to leave work at work.

I think Eowyn7 is right. You don't have to get close to your coworkers, but if you could at least speak with them a little, you'd feel a lot better. Try not to overthink all of this. All you can control is your own behavior. If you are courteous and polite to them, the ones worth knowing should respond.

aaronm
aaronm in reply to jkl5500

I'm friendly at work. I wear a mask and nobody knows how I feel. I fear that if I bring up the subject ill sound crazy creepy or mental.

It’s nice to get to know you better, Aaronm. Hope you will be having a beautiful day my friend! You deserve it. I hear you, I know life gets difficult it really does but let’s both try to face the sun and be in the light.

aaronm
aaronm in reply to Starrlight

Thank you starrlight. I appreciate you. Your always very kind to me.

Starrlight
Starrlight in reply to aaronm

Well you deserve kindness awesome you!

I used Rational Emotive Therapy as a way to correct my negative (irrational) self talk. It is a theory created by Dr. Ellis, that may be a great help to you. It works best as a group process, but the concept can really help an individual. Do a search and check it out, if you have a chance. It changed my life.

Ill search for it now. Thank you!

Hidden
Hidden

Sometimes just getting a hug helps more than words..!? Sending a hug ur way

aaronm
aaronm in reply to Hidden

Thank you monkey smiles. That's very true. Your also always very kind to me. I appreciate you!

Hidden
Hidden

I feel your suffering and can identify with it. I think Greg has it right, you have some very negative scripts going on in your head. Self talk, telling you bad things about yourself.

Rational emotive therapy or Neurolinguistics or Cognitive Behaviour Therapy would help. It is a problem and it's better to do something about it.

It's also possible that there may be some underlying condition you have. Possibilities include Social Anxiety, Aspergers, or Adult Attention Deficit. I suggest you Google these to see if any of their features match your experience.

I've researched those. If aspergers were an actual diagnosis I would definitely have it. Its no longer in the DSM. ADD is possible.

You are asking many questions of yourself, this is exhausting you. Your past does not define you nor does it need to hold you back from all you are meant to be. When I begin to fall toward that slippery slop I hold on to my faith rope and hold on tight!

aaronm
aaronm in reply to BLJON597

Thank you!

I totally identified with your post. I fake it til I make it. Problem is...I don’t usually make it. And if I do. It’s fake. Lol.

Maybe I have a touch of asp Berger’s. I know my father does. As for me, I always called it introverted. Very shy. I overcone the shyness but it’s wrong so it looks inappropriate or something.

I connected with the part about your close friends knowing how to address things. I really dislike games or passive ways of hinting at things. But those are socially accepted behaviors. (Weird). This causes me to act inappropriately, and makes salvaging the relationship hard. It takes a close friend to overcome that ...and even those are always one step away from being someone who doesn’t care about me anymore.

The question that I have. How does it get addressed? What helps?

I try to come in to things with a fresh start. I truly believe I’m a good person. I’m a hard worker, caring compassionate. I’m patient, But when I pull the trigger.... then it’s over. My negativity prevents any redemption.

Example:

Today is Christmas, in the past year, I have unraveled my successful life to care for my father while he battled cancer. I don’t regret that decision. But I’m alone in it. And I feel that I’m being punished or looked down on by everyone because I made that decision. My family didn’t want yo help so they criticized me and then abandoned me and my efforts.

So he’s in remissiin( yay!!), amd im trying to get back in my feet financially. My house has no heat, I found a decent job and have a failing business to save. A lot on my plate..for sure. No support from family...just criticism. But I plug along. I think it’s called turning the other cheek. Letting the chips fall where they may.

I don’t particularly care for the traditions of Christmas, so I came to spend it with my father after long hours of work. Only to find my two cats( staying at his house still-because I don’t have heat yet-at my house...stuck upstairs with no attention from my father. Ripping their own fur out. Even The man that I disrupted my entire life and livelihood for can’t see fit yo care for my 2 cats for a few weeks while I work to get back in my feet?

The first me...wants to take the cats n go home. And let him sit alone on Christmas. Second me wants him to feel bad for his actions. Third me thinks I should just get rid of everything and disappear. I’m 50 years in of trying to help people and do right ....it’s literally time to throw in the towel.

I just don’t have the skills to belong in this world. And your post...is exactly how I feel. The diagnosis is not important. All I want to know...is there a solution? I consider myself a very resourceful person...and I can’t find one.

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