Hey everyone, I am new to telling anyone about my anxiety and depression. I dont even know where to begin. I just know Im not myself and havent been for a few years now. My husband I I separated almost 2 years ago because of an emotional affair I had. For over a year I begged him day in an day out not to leave. I did everything he asked me to do and I was miserable and in the end he left anyway. I felt so alone and scared but managed to get back on my feet and start a new life. He came back about a year later (we talked throughout that year) and I did want to but now.. Im not so sure and I just cant get happy. I worry day in and day out hes looking for something better and I cant get over the other women he was with while we were apart. My family doesnt want me with him and I have pulled away from them now too. I do love him but one day I love him, the next I want to leave. I have such highs and lows and Im not sure if its him or Im just completely messed up. I see a therapist but not sure shes working for me. I feel worthless and ashamed because this wouldnt have happened if I didnt have this emotional affair. Not to mention my husband doesnt believe it wasnt physical. I cant prove it so I live with it. When we fight he says very abusive things to me, never physical, but Im called many names like psychotic b*tch and a cheating liar. I take it because its true. I should not have turned to another man. Some days Im so happy with him but the other days I hate him. I take Xanax quite often and it does help, it calms me down. My anxiety is very high day in and day out. I feel like I need to change or Im going to lose my family.
Ashamed: Hey everyone, I am new to... - Anxiety and Depre...
Ashamed
Sounds like you should keep away from each other, it seems like pure misery.
I don't think there is any trust or respect going by what you have just said.
Personally I would never tolerate anyone using the words you have used to describe what he says to you "psychotic b***" etc. though I know people do have different standards of what they feel is acceptable.
It certainly sounds like things are rocky between you. It is difficult to rebuild trust and also I have always found its difficult to go back to relationships when one or the other has been with someone else; though it can happen.
I agree with you that you need to change or at least make up your mind what it is you want or you will lose them. Relationships are give and take; you don't need me to tell you that. Also if you suffer with anxiety and depression sometimes it is useful to understand that this is very draining on other people ( though you can't help your feelings) They (other people) also have their own stresses , and so it can become a balancing act between their needs and yours. I think you both need to be prepared to work at things and believe it is worthwhile doing so. Maybe you need to "put on an act" for a bit ; ie if you are depressed just pretend that you are not and try every way you can to think of your partner and what will make them happy. Maybe this will open up communication channels between you.
I nearly lost a friendship ( not a marriage but my closest friend) through being too self absorbed and depressed. In the end I had to "act happy" and sometimes that is just something you have to do. Maybe eventually you will "feel happy" but in the meantime maybe now is the time to make a huge effort, the most effort you have ever made to try and make this relationship work.
Gemma 
x
I have also thought about just trying to act happy and see where that goes. I dont want to break up my family, I have 3 boys, although they are in their 20s. I sometimes agree its me, not always him. The lack of respect when he calls me those horrible names has to stop! I told him that but it seems to keep happening. I dont care who did what in any relationship. People make mistakes and bad choices but I feel you shouldnt have to pay for them the rest of your life. I feel I have paid enough. This whole thing has made me very unhappy. I never had issues before all of this happened. I have pulled away from friends and family and I dont like this person I have become.
I agree that things have got out of hand and that it is a lack of respect using those words. Sometimes people do that when they feel overwhelmed themselves; though that is not to excuse them ; but it is almost a defence mechanism they have and it's a rather "young" one of just lashing out. It isn't always ideal to take sides in this sort of situation; you probably set each other off.
I am sorry that you are feeling in this state at the moment. Maybe don't do anything rash. You say you have pulled away from family and friends. When you are ready sit down and think what is really going on and what do you want. You are placing so much emphasis on one relationship (the relationship with your husband) Sometimes that is a hard thing to bear on the half of the other person; they will always have their own perspective which they (men) don't even always feel able to share emotionally.
It's important you keep in touch with friends and family so don't do anything rash for now. Try and calm yourself and think rationally of the way to go with this. We can get so emotional that we can't always see the way forward but we need to use our rational brain to work that out...
Why did you have the "emotional affair"? by the way and how did it end? Did this person not stand by you or were you hoping that they could provide emotionally in a way your husband couldn't and it didn't work out? Be honest with yourself.
We are relative strangers on here so will never know what is underlying so I am merely suggesting these things as questions to ask yourself; I am not criticising honestly; I am just saying that you need to have an honest discussion with yourself and work out what you want..
G x
thank you for your kind words. I do think you might be right, I really dont think my only problem is my relationship with my husband. I think its a number of things and this is what Im focusing on. My therapist doesnt seem to be helping me much either, I like her, but I think its time to seek out another doctor.
At the end of the day you need to learn to rely on your own judgements, though therapists can help us get clarity
Welcome...everyone on here seems really lovely and supportive. I've only just joined within the last week myself.
I love the following saying....'my love is unconditional but my trust and respect are not'. What that means for me in your situation is..... You made a mistake....everyone does ❤️ We are only human. However, your partner has free will and has chosen to stay with you and work on things. He should own that decision and be forgiving you, not punishing you forever. You cannot change the past but you can learn from it. Maybe think to yourself what you were missing emotionally in your relationship to search outside of it? Has that element changed or is it still missing? You both deserve health and happiness and calling you names and treating you the way you describe will bring neither of those things for either of you. That is not respectful at all. Please don't stay long enough until you lose your self respect. Sometimes it's not a case of giving up, but moving on xxx
Oh he did leave me but came back ,that is what is worse for me. He still holds it over my head. I was a happier person when I wasnt with him because I had no stress. Although now I do want to be with him, I feel lost at times and very down on myself. I dont like that feeling. And you are absolutely right, I dont want to lose my self respect and my family feels I have. I was once very very close with them. I feel that might be lost.
Everyone needs a support network and for those of us who are lucky enough to have good family and friends, we have to lean on each other. I think you will regret it if you loose your closeness. Think about what you may be losing/giving up compared to what your getting from your partner. I'm not judging him personally but things do have to change. Is he stopping you spending time with your family and friends due to his trust issues? If so, that is potentially a sign of a controlling relationship. That is not healthy xxx
No he doesnt normally stop me from seeing my family. But they see what he has been doing to me emotionally and they are angry about it. They want me to leave but its easier said than done. I dont want to leave, just want things to get better but he said its me and my emotions that is keeping us from being happy. Maybe hes right. I wish I could control how I react to certain situations. Ive always been a girl who is either really really happy about something or really really angry or sad. There is no inbetween. I have no happy medium. I can go from hot to cold and vice versa in seconds. I can walk into a room happy as can be and walk out a minute later like Ive lost my best friend. Something usually sets me off but obviously Im easily bothered by things. I try to control that.. easier said than done
I agree, its definitely easier said than done XXX my good friend is similar with her ups and downs due to her being bipolar. It is hard to witness AND hard to go through. I hope you find some peace and happiness whatever you decide. I don't think there is always a right or wrong answer; just the best one for you with the information you have available at the time. I'm sure it will be made with good intentions too x
Hi there🤗, any marriage that goes through something like this would find it very hard to get past but it does happen. It will take a while , perhaps councelling together would be better and you can find a new therapist if you don't feel like your getting much from your current one . As for the name calling that's not on!!! , fair enough losing a little steam at first (non threatening of course) but on going hurtful words you do not deserve or should have to live with daily , if that dosnt stop you have every right to consider your options, you should not be treated badly, it is abusive .If you both really want to stay together , and you's probably do if you's are still together now it can be possible for it to work , I'd call it fairly even if you had an emotional affair and he had an affair while you's were separated😆. Hope things get better for you ,I understand how important our families are to us so it's normal to not know what to do and be indecisive. Be kind to yourself too, you are going through a lot right now . And don't forget you don't deserve to be called names or yelled at ..... ❤️
Hi daisy1971. I'm sorry that you are going thru such difficult season. I want to remind you that no matter what happened in the past or what is going on now, nobody deserves to be called names. that is called verbal abuse and you are going thru the stages of emotional abuse. Here is a suggestion, regardless what started the situation, its in the past. We can not change it. However, we can change how we think, and act and speak right here, right now, today. Yes, everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect. I urge you to forgive yourself and forgive your husband. wipe the slate clean and start fresh, moving forward not focus on looking backwards of what did and should've not done. I am working thru this stage of life myself... if I want change in my life, I must begin with me. I must find a way to change me and stick to it. A positive thinker attracts positive thinking and events. I have found it out to be true. Now as far as your husband, extend grace and mercy to him. If he sees that you allow him to be negative towards you and not honor you then that is not healthy for either of you.
have you tried going to a marriage counselor? Try to start believing in yourself again. trusting in your good abilities again. trusting in your husband again. A marriage counselor is a great start to discuss openly about why the reason of looking else where began back in the beginning. I'm here if you wish to talk further.
Thank you so much! Its very hard to forgive myself sometimes. We did go to a marriage counselor and it helped in the beginning but then he left me anyway. We got back together a year later and it was great in the beginning but he will hold the emotional affair over my head every time we argue about something. The verbal abuse gets bad. He tells me Im crazy and that I have something wrong with me. I tell my therapist these things and Im told the problem is actually with him, not me. I want to wipe the slate clean but he said he cant promise me that the past wont be brought up again. I just want to forgive and move on. I feel so unsettled and depressed. But how do I get better when I want to be with him for the rest of my life? I just dont know what to do at this point.
Miss daisy1971, your therapist is right when saying that the problem is with him. how he want to keep bringing up the past. As far as the feeling bad because you want to be with him forever, you need to think very hard... do I really like the way it make me feel when we are together? Do I still believe in him as I once did? What do I really want my life to be like... am I living the way I am at my best operation? think upon these important concepts and get back to me. I'm interested in helping you thru.
for starters don't be ashamed. 2nd don't let him call you names. that is complete bullying and abusive. You need to get away from him because he will make you worse. It took me a long time to figure out what was going on with me. I couldnt even explain it to my next door neighbors because I wasn't sure what was wrong. It took about 3 months to realize what was wrong. And when I got the correct diagnosis and told an ex friend of mine she turned her back on me. like she didnt want to be bothered with me and the anxiety and depression. I had lost my connection with family who lived close by. So they don't even know what is going on with me
You arent the first person to tell me it will get worse. I just dont know what to do because I do want a life with him. Nobody understands where Im coming from so its hard. Part of my family has pulled away from me also. Sometimes when he says Im just crazy, I believe it. I ask myself.. is it me? Ive been seeing my therapist since April and she confirmed it definitely is not me and I do have anxiety and depression but Im not crazy like he thinks. Is he trying to control me? And why? I dont get it. We have been married for 28 years. Ive been with this man since I was 18
When you and your husband got back together neither of you left the past in the past. You forgot to start fresh. Absolutely no one has the right to call you names.
Imho I would step back and see a counselor who can help you both put the past in the past. It’s like ripping off a scab to bleed into the future. Right now you’re both wasting time. You both need to decide the new won’t be destroyed by the old.
When he calls you names he doesn’t think you feel the pain he felt. He has deep feelings of betrayal as any human would. He’s trying to hurt you as much as he hurts. Try discussing the pain. The more he can talk about the pain the more you can move on.
Until then this is toxic and time consuming to you both. Counseling should help. Good luck to you and him.
You are so right, thank you! Sometimes it really takes someone else from the outside to help. We are destroying our future and its not healthy. Im not happy but I want to be with him. I know he feels the hurt of betrayal but I dont know what else to do at this point. Im seeing a therapist but I agree, we both need to see a marriage counselor together also.
I really hope and pray it works for you. You can come back stronger. Use the skills they give you.
Ok speaking as a man who was cheated on by my now ex wife but wife back then I can tell you this .
TRUST has been broken & he is hurting big time & it can go one of two ways . You both go ur separate ways now or he will look for revenge !!! That's cruel for both of you .
Without trust there is nothing , I mean you think he waiting for the next woman & I know he scared cuz he thinking she did it once she can do it again .
Consequences of our actions need to be paid. We all pay for our wrongs. Losing my marriage caused me to have a breakdown & after a couple of failed relationships I realised I need to be on my own fixing me for me & then seeing what happens .
Oh just to let you all know I got my daughters full time when we divorced & she was happy to do so , she went on to remarry & divorce a 2nd time too. Her own children don't really have time for her either , it's all her own doing.
TRUST ...... without it what do you have ?
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