Am I sabotaging??

[Penguinlover09]

My son came in to talk at bedtime...he says his dad doesnt hasnt called him to say goodnight in two weeks and when they do talk its because my son calls and he said even then its only a min or two. He wanted to show me. He pulled out his phone and sure enough the average lengh of the phone is 2 mins long and his dad hasnt called him since March 3rd. My son said he is going to start setting an alarm at night to call his dad to say goodnight because his dad just isnt doing it. I told him no we arent doing that because its not his job to maintain the relationship. He said he wants to talk to him.

Am I wrong for telling him no? Am i sabotaging because Im hurt? the relationship I had with my dad was exactly that we only talked when I reached out and it sucked and I dont want that for my son. I dont want him to feel like its his job at 10 to keep the relationship going. I want him to be a kid.

Need advice, I dont want to sabotage and i really dont know what I am doing as a mother anymore. I feel lost and dont know if im doing the right thing. I dont want to be like no dont call your dad I just I feel like if he set an alarm and didnt call he would geel guilty and I just feel like my son has the world on his shoulders right now.

[Lifesearching]

I think I remember reading a recent post of yours, I’m so sorry your son is having to go through that. It’s not your fault at all💙💙and you’re not sabotaging🥺it’s a result of that guys actions and completely unfair to you and the son. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be, especially because Iv e never had children I don’t even feel qualified at all to answer but I’m here to listen. If I remember correctly this guy is super toxic and bad news😢I’m actually thankful there is a distance growing, he’s just not a good person I’m sorry from what I remember reading

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Lifesearching]

He was a good guy tho maybe im just making it seem bad because im hurt. I don’t know lol my friend tells me I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. Because I still love him. My therapist even told me he sounds toxic. I think he’s just making a lot of poor choices right now . I don’t know he was never very communicative or affectionate but I literally never thought he would have left me let alone leave me for another woman. I certainly never thought he would not really be there for our son. My therapist is like he’s doing bare minimum actually he’s doing less than bare minimum how hard is it to set an alarm to talk to your son? Especially if you’re only seeing him once a week?

[Lifesearching in reply to Penguinlover09]

yes ur giving him too much benefit of the doubt! But it’s difficult to see when ur actually in the situation. And u sound like a good person who did right by him as much as possible. I think this distance may be giving u and the son separation anxiety.🥺It’s wrong that he’s kind of just thinking he can just leave his old life behind especially with a son. I truly think later down the line this will be a huge blessing in disguise. Once you see it all logically ur gonna be so happy he left. I honestly think that if a guy acted good in the beginning but later cheats, it’s not ur fault. U were not the reason he changed, it was him in his own issues he never resolved. He’s either going to cheat on her or she’s gonna betray him the same way it’s just how karma works. He’s just going to keep being his old self and his old ways. Might take time though for this to pan out.

Be careful too bcuz he might try to give u distance and act later on like he wants to work on the relationship. I’ve But it might just be a tactic to keep you from moving on, he might hit you up just because he wants that re assurance you’ll still be there. The common line from guys like that is “I miss you”. I hope that in the meantime you start to rebuild ur old your life slowly so he does not have that satisfaction of being able to come and go as he pleases. Allow him to feel the weight of his actions by slowly slipping from him also and not being available. He left, so you let him know what it feels like! Be a ghost! Sorry I’m just so passionate about helping others who have been betrayed and wanting to give advice that I never got when I went thru it🥺

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Lifesearching]

Yea I haven’t really even talked to him. It’s just crazy how you go from talking to someone everyday about everything to literally not talking at all. He doesn’t even check in to see how’s he’s doing in school. I dont think he’s going to try to reach out I think he knows too much damage has been done. And I hope karma gets him I just hope it’s under a year so my son isn’t in the position to meet the woman dad cheated on mom with.

[Lifesearching in reply to Penguinlover09]

Oh no I see what you mean. It sounds like you have your son right now? Kids are very very bright, your son even if he meets her he’s not going to like her. And it’s going to show because children are so honest and genuine. Adults are able to fake being nice but if kids don’t like you they can’t force it because they sense bad intentions immediately.

That is tough for sure, I remember that same feeling after my ex left. It really messed with my self worth because I felt like he was “better” and same that he was going to to live his best life without me. I stayed single for about a year (but he was popping in and out of my life so I thought we’d get back together). It was a hard year and lonely but it helped me a lot in the present day. When I finally cut him off my life just weirdly got better it was so weird but good and I’m praying the same happens for you💙letting him go was the most painful part. My only regret is not staying single longer so I could heal my wounds first before getting into another relationship

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Lifesearching]

I have cut him off, maybe Im clinging on hoping to get a heartfelt apology which I know probably wont happen. Yea I keep thinking this is going to be his happily ever after and Im going to be the one who ends up alone. I just hope he gets some type of consequence for this. Yes I have my son, he only sees his dad on Friday nights

[Lifesearching in reply to Penguinlover09]

Ah dang, I want to help since it sounds a little similar to what I went thru, although yours may be more heavy as it’s a over decade long relationship with a child🥺🙏🏽I truly am sorry it’s happening. I just remember doing the same hoping and praying my ex would return, I hung onto that for months, even after I cut him off after he kind of led me on for 9 months after he initially broke up with me. It was so painful when he finally said we aren’t getting back together. He just kept me on the back burner so he could go live his best life (be with other women) and he expected me to be “waiting for his return”

I just hope you know your worth is not defined by this at all. Even if it looks like he’s gonna get his happily ever after he’s not. I guarantee it. It’s you who will end up winning in the end a lot can happen in a year or even six months of healing and letting go. Two year after I cut off my toxic ex, he tried to come back but my life changed so much he can’t even come in and I can’t even see what I saw in him anymore. I do have my challenges today with relationships, but my personal stability it’s way better than before and I don’t even deal with men like him anymore. I hope the same for you💙💙🙏🏽🥺

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Lifesearching]

Thank you. I am def thinking my worth is defined by him-why wasnt I good enough? What does she have that I didnt? Why couldnt he just talk to me why go behind my back and cheat? He wont answer any of my questions. This is my first heartbreak and now I just I dont know feel like its too late to start all over.

[Lifesearching in reply to Penguinlover09]

I won’t lie it messed with my self esteem for awhile. But I didn’t have someone tell me it’s not my fault and might have healed quicker if somebody told me let him go immediately if possible 🥺and I’m in a new relationship now that’s healthier, but because I jumped into a new one without healing from my ex I still have TONS of emotional baggage carried into this relationship which has caused tons of fights especially at the beginning of the relationship. Idk if it’ll last bcuz I have baggage but hopefully I can save u!I’m only seeing it now years later so when I saw ur post I was like omg.

You are good enough and this is HIS issue separate from YOUR worth💙💙cheating is not a mistake, it is a choice. If he doesn’t see ur worth a much better one will later on no matter ur past💙💙

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Lifesearching]

I dont know people are telling me its not my fault hell even my ex told me it wasnt me its him, that I didnt do or say anything wrong. We werent fighting and were still intimate I just dont understand this at all. Im scared im going to end up alone. I work from home so not much opportunity to get out there. and when I say I dropped everything for this man I mean everything-I stopped going to my family things unless it was christmas. I dropped my friend and now he left and Im left with literally nothing. I have one friend who I stopped talking to years ago and luckily shes an extremely good friend and she came back with opened arms but other than that thats all I have

[Lifesearching in reply to Penguinlover09]

I honestly think he took advantage of your love for him to make you believe there were no signs of this ending🥺again it’s on him not you. He’s a very skilled manipulator and I’m so glad he’s out of your life because he left you having to start over with his tricks and lies. This true friend probably knew what you were going through and is there for you maybe spend more time with that friend weekly if you can💙it’s going to be painful but your life will rebuild slowly so much stronger than before he won’t even recognize you. It’s hard to see in the thick of it and I want to help since I almost went through something similar, though this sounds incredibly way more painful 🥺❤️‍🩹it took me four years to re build mine, I’m hoping for you it will be a lot sooner because I just had no one when my ex left me who knew what I was going through. He was just popping in and out of my life after he broke up with me just to keep me tied to him but I wasn’t aware and I want to save the next girl from this type of situation because it can mess with your self worth. YOU deserve to be happy on your terms now💙you get to make your life yours without him as much as possible now💙his deception is his karma alone and separate from your worth as a person and has nothing to do with you. You’re a good person and will have amazing blessings pour into your life as you rebuild it💙

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Lifesearching]

Thank you! Yes I see my friend every Saturday now, she’s really great trying to get my son out and be a kid and always picks up the call and listens to me cry. Even though I have repeated myself 20 thousand times lol. I don’t know everyone keeps telling me this is a blessing in disguise but I really don’t see how blessings will come into my life if I’m not really living a life. Most of my time is spent at home. I feel like I’m just existing. I literally never thought he would have done something like this to me. I really thought he was a safe person. I really hope it doesn’t pan out how he thought. I really hope this all falls apart and he winds up alone because if this doesn’t work out I’m not sure how he’ll find someone else lol he works 3rd shift never goes out and his day off from work he has his son…everyone keeps telling me they won’t last and I want to believe them but nobody actually knows they could be the small percent that makes it

[Lifesearching in reply to Penguinlover09]

Yes they are right it seems like you lost but you will actually end up winning down the line. I also just realized that I think the reason you felt blindsided is because he wanted to make you feel like it’s your fault the relationship failed. He had to play it off to make sure everything looks ok so you would question yourself rather than his betrayal. Run girl run he’s def a manipulator🥺it took me two years of therapy from 2023 to realize cheating is not about whether you were good enough, it’s about the issue within the other person. No I felt that exact same the first year living without my ex, like I just went thru the motions and I genuinely felt like my future was done. I had no money, gained a whole bunch of weight, the same week he left I was threatened to get fired at work, lost all my “friends”🥺but it’s not true even if it feels that way right now I promise. This is a very fresh wound and realistically it may take awhile to heal from it❤️‍🩹I’m so sorry you felt blindsided. This is not because of you at all. A better man is gonna find you and appreciate you so much you’ll forget about him. And even if you decided to stay single you’ll probably be one of those super successful single women who owns a business or something and is happy without a man!

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Lifesearching]

he told me it wasn’t my fault. He said I didn’t do or say anything wrong. He said he was the problem. It stinks I always wanted marriage and to grow old with someone and I thought I had that and I now I feel like I never will. I feel like I was so close to it but my therapist says I wasn’t. He was never going to marry me. We were together for 12 years and only got engaged recently (8! 2022) and im 90% that ring was just to shut me up. He claims he didn’t believe in the Paperwork you don’t need paper to claim your love for someone…even when he gave me the ring he never asked me and when I asked if it was an engagement ring (it was a Christmas gift) and what to tell people and he told me it could be what I wanted and I could tell people what I wanted but he seemed really weird once I told people even his sister whenever she mentioned the word fiancé he laughed and seemed uncomfortable. I always dreamed of growing old with someone and now I’m really scared it’s not going to happen. I don’t want to be alone

[Lifesearching in reply to Penguinlover09]

It’s not true, there are good men out there who could come in, love you for your whole past and marry you in less than a year or two💙I’ve even known aunties in my own life who re married later in life (an aunty of mine was a single mom for so long, then she re married to her high school sweetheart in her fifties I think? He must have stayed single also before re connecting with her) and they are literally the happiest couple ever, 🙏🏽that’s really weird he would laugh at the word fiancé.🥺that’s downright hurtful. You will not be alone forever it’s not true life is not done, it’s only beginning again but you get a fresh start 💙little by little, day by day you just get stronger and your friend sounds like a great support system as well. Soon as you get stronger better people start coming into your life to help you re build what was lost💙

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Lifesearching]

I mean I know I have two people who told me they have been interested in me since high school but I know I’m not ready to date and I have to really think if I’m interested or if I’m just scared of being alone. I don’t want to settle like I did with my ex lol

[GinkgoLeaf]

It breaks my heart you're family is going through this, I'm so sorry. Sometimes it's hard for me to have confrontational conversations on the phone or in person (from midwest U.S., a bit conflict averse/people pleaser/etc). Have you thought about writing an email or letter? Even if you don't send it, it might help you mentally process and be specific about the issue. It doesn't sound like you can control the dad's behaviors, but at least you can share what you're noticing on your end. One other thought, and this helped me a lot as a kid - my dad wasn't always a great role model, and could be fairly abusive. If you do see this continuing, are there any programs where your son can establish relationships with positive male role models? Where I live, Big Brothers Big Sisters is a very popular program. I've taken part in it for almost eight years with a very bright boy who unfortunately has no contact with his father after a divorce. I can't say I'm a perfect role model (I'm an anxious mess - hence my participation in this group lol!), but I've heard those types of programs can be really helpful for filling the void of a positive male/female role model in someone's life. Just a thought. Best of luck on the journey - sorry you are struggling.

[Penguinlover09 in reply to GinkgoLeaf]

Yes they do have something like that here too! Def worth looking into!