Can't keep this up

I can't keep doing this any longer. My heart and mind is exhausted. The more others tell me it'll be ok, the more I try and tell myself it's gonna be ok, and so on. Yes, my kids deserve their dad...my wife deserves her husband, but I am virtually a vegetable lately. I don't talk, I don't play, I don't work, I don't clean, I don't move, and I barely breathe. Yes, they'll hurt they'll be confused...but what's the difference if I stay. My wife still hurts, there is an abundance of animosity building daily in her I can see, she's growing tired of me being an anchor to her, the kids can't interact with me because I'm catatonic and unresponsive most days....like I'm not even here. I make everything worse. There is no hope...there is no help.

[Hidden]

There is hope say the serenity prayer. It says, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I say this when at a loss. It reminds me I am human and I need to accept what I can't change but more importantly there are things I can change to better myself and care for my children. It is your spouses turn to care for you and help support you through this even though you may be used to being the one in control. We all have weak moments that we need help with. Don't feel guilty

Work together to get better and teach your children we all struggle but there is hope. Keep going. There is no other choice. If she loves you, she will support you and help you and when you need to you will carry her too. That's what a marriage is. We can't be perfect all the time and there are valuable lessons to be learned when your children see you never giving up no matter what. Show them what you are made of. Do what you can and keep going. Lean on your wife for love and support and you will come out stronger in the end. I am in a similar situation with my husband and I will hold him up just as he has held me up. My daughter will see the love and learn that life is hard and with love and support we will get through the worst and it will only make us stronger if we don't give up.

[JAYnLA]

Temporary problems do not require permanent solutions. I believe in your ability to heal and get through this GP. I know if feels HORRIBLE. Better to go to the hospital and say 'I'm suicidal' than to take yourself out. Stick with us. We're all getting through this together and we need you with us. Your success story, when it arrives, will be exactly what others need to keep going.

[Xena13]

Please don’t give up!!! Get help!! We all deserve to have a life..... I am going through a lot also.., you are not alone! Get help!!!!!!!!

[EmmaSun]

Will lift you up in my prayers to help you stay and continue to fight. We all go through difficult times in life and sometimes the only thing we can do is just continue to breathe and hold on for a better day. And that’s what family is for, so we can completely rely on them on hard times. I’m sure you would do the same for your wife and your children if the positions were swapped. Proud of you for having the courage and energy to reach out and write. Hang in there, this too shall pass.

[Hidden]

Please admit yourself to a hospital. You can get better but you really need professional treatment. You are at the end of your ability to fix yourself as I’m sure if you could do it you would. Hospitals get government funding to treat people who don’t have insurance so don’t let that hold you back from seeking help. Have your wife take you and be evaluated and get professional medical help.

[Want2BHappy3]

Mmm, are you talking about Suicide? I've been where you are, I had to retire early because of my anxiety. Sometimes being suicidal or just wishing I wouldn't wake up. Are you in counseling?

[Mumma_h]

I want you to know you can and will get better! I suffered extremely bad depression for about 6 years. I thought I knew what depression was but I had no it could get that bad until I experienced it

, I had horrific nightmares but waking up was worse !! I thought i was way too far gone and so ashamed that I didn't tell anyone. It was hell. If I got better than anyone can get better. You need hope, you need to know you will get better. I believe parts of the brain starts to kind of die with depression so you can't feel happiness anymore ; so it's not your fault!! but the good news is they can grow back. (neuroplasticity) . I don't share with too many people what depression was like for me because it's so dark. But I will share it with you because I understand what you're going through and I want you to have hope; even if that hope is tiny it's where finding yourself again begins. What I have learnt about myself is that any tiny thing that brings you any hope and comfort contributes to healing which perpetuates itself; the more joy you feel the more joy you'll continue to feel. Also when I felt myself slipping back into depression this year I was so scared of going back there I pushed the emergency button (so to speak); i went straight to the doctors and got on meds( my doctor doubled it a week later) I told my friends/family etc I was in crisis mode( i didn't hold back; I told them I was suicidal) I booked counselling immediately. You sound in crisis mode , and you desperately need and deserve support!! Don't deny yourself all the help you can get, depression is a cruel cruel thing!!! Take all the help you can get and one day you will be able to give hope to people too. It sounds like it's time for you to hit the emergency button; you deserve it !!!!!!!! Do not give up hope!!!!! No matter how deep or how long the depression has gone on you can find immense happiness again!!!!!!!!)❤️

[Ripley7]

You must be strong for your babies. If there’s anything in the world that matters it’s that. Remember that your kids are relying on you to teach them how to survive and thrive in the world. Tell yourself over and over if you have to that you don’t want to teach them that it’s ok to give up. Monkey see monkey do. It can very well cause a chain reaction later down the road and I know you don’t want that to happen to them.

Show them that it’s ok to seek and get help when you need it- go see someone if you have insurance. If not then like someone else said go admit yourself if you feel like you’re in crisis mode- only you know that. But definitely see someone because sometimes we do need a little more help than what we are capable of doing alone and that’s perfectly ok.

Take it one day at a time. Start making yourself get up and do something everyday. This is an accomplishment. Baby steps. Go check the mail one day. There’s one thing. Next day go outside and walk a circle around the house. Look around or at the sky- feel the sun on you and note the warmth. Feel the breeze. Notice the clouds. There’s another accomplishment. If you’re feeling froggy do something else in a couple hours. Go back outside and push yourself to walk to the end of the block - if that’s too much then just go several yards first then go back home. That’s another accomplishment.

Be kind to yourself. Try to be the friend to yourself you’d be to someone you care about in the same situation.

Depression is a liar. Don’t believe anything it tells you. You do matter. Keep reaching out because you are cared about and you would be missed if something terrible happened to you.

You are cared about here as well because you share the pain we suffer through too. We can all sorta relate to each other through our pain.

Know that we are rallying around you and sending you peace and strength. Be an inspiration for someone else on here that needs to know that it IS possible to pull out of the clutches of depression.

❤️❤️❤️

[Hidden in reply to Ripley7]

Thank you for your encouragement!

[Hidden]

GuitarPlayer, I'm in the same boat as you are right now. I honestly don't know why I should keep trying. But believe me, God has a plan for all of this. I've seen Him save me from some very hard times. Please don't give up. Because if you give up, that's just another reason for me to give up. God loves you and He doesn't want to see you suffer like this. Get the help you need and take good care of yourself. Love yourself. Stay strong and one day you'll look back on today and think, "Look what God saved me from!" 💗

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Absolute rubbish!

[brettedwardcory in reply to Hidden]

Awesome story GreenSummer. I love hearing of the comfort God can give. Likewise, God has saved me from truly hopeless, and lost places in my life. He brought me back. I know countless stories of healing with Gods love.

Blessings guitarplayer. We are praying for you. God does have a plan for your life. Health, healing, comfort, and rest be with your family

For biblical comfort and inspiration:

John 14:12

Matthew 11:28-30

[Hidden in reply to brettedwardcory]

God is good!

[brettedwardcory in reply to Hidden]

Absolutley!

[Ketzel]

Please stay with us. Are you okay now? Give an update if you can. I've tried suicide a bunch of times - obviously it didn't work. I know what it's like to feel hopeless.

[Jvicks]

Looks like a lot of people relate to this post! I was there yesterday. Telling my husband I should just leave. No other options but death. I woke up today and I feel a bit better.

So hard being a parent. Mother of 2 and 4 yr old here. I stay alive for my kids some days. I just think, if I am gone how that would break them. They will have a lifetime of therapy and pain, even mental illness. Stops me every time. I brought them here. I must choose to stay, even when my brain says not to.

I am a violist. Depression sure takes that from me. Skipped a few symphony concerts I wanted to play in. It takes a while but, that feeling and desire returns. Soon, you will play.

Until then, it’s okay to feel all emotion. Do not label them as good or bad. Your wife and kids love you, and I bet they want you to get better! We all do too!

[Mumma_h]

Hi guitar player,how are u? feeling a little more hopeful yet?

[Mumma_h]

Don't forget either that it's going to take time for your brain to start healing. Depression is a heart and mind thing but also physical. It might sound weird but I really believe that to be true . Pretty sure there'll be proof of that somewhere. Also just a suggestion, but I would tell your your wife ' Thankyou for standing by me ,and sorry this is something she is having to go through too, and tell her you want to get better so that she can have her husband back. I'm sure it will give her hope and help with any resentment she might be feeling. It could make the world of difference to her

[brettedwardcory in reply to Mumma_h]

Totally agree mumma_h. I had a psychological breakdown this year. Depression and anxiety almost ended me. With hard work, therapy, exercise, diet, purpose, and 3-4 months behind my belt - I’ve been able to win my life back. I’m not saying I know your situation. It takes a little time to get healthy! Like doing cardio!

blessings mate! We want to hear from you.

[brettedwardcory in reply to brettedwardcory]

LOL, i replied to mumma_h instead of guitar player

Muh bad!

[Mumma_h]

Guitarplayer,how are you going any change yet(hope you're beginning to have hope again .

[Hidden]

Please hold on, the world needs guitar players.

[brettedwardcory in reply to Hidden]

I am a guitar player and second that!!!

[foxglove_pnw]

There is always hope !!!

I know the feeling of feeling hopeless ! I know how it is to fall on the ground crying and hoping so bad the pain goes away any way possible.

I also know things can get better ...Hang in there !!!!

[Agora1]

GuitarPlayer, keeping you and your family in my thoughts. We may not have

the answers you need but I hope that you are safe and know that we do care xx

[Ketzel]

I don't think he made it

[Agora1 in reply to Ketzel]

Ketzel, do you know for sure? I've been looking for GuitarPlayer, afraid that

something might have happened. My heart is heavy with sadness right now.

[Ketzel]

All I know is that there's no response for a long time. I have no idea who he is.

[Agora1 in reply to Ketzel]

Thanks for responding Ketzel. xx