Trigger: I have a plan this time - Anxiety and Depre...

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Trigger: I have a plan this time

Finx
Finx

Ok so the anxiety and depression have been so debilitating I’m at the end. I’m supposed to get on a plane Tuesday to go out of town for work. I don’t think I can do it. I created a long list of accounts and passwords to leave for my wife and I’ve actually written and printed goodbye notes for her and my kids. Monday is my wife’s bday so I’m going to muscle through it.

Obviously if I tell my wife or friends I’ll end up at the hospital and I don’t want that. I feel like a hospital stay followed by stigma and losing my job will be worse. I don’t want to ruin my kids lives and I know they will be sad but the mental pain is so intense I can’t take it anymore. I don’t feel like my life is a life. I hate every day and can barely get through each one. Please GOD give me the strength to make the right decision.

16 Replies
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Finx,

Don't do this. You have a wife and children who need you. Don't pass your pain on to them. They would be devastated and forever impacted. Your depression is lying to you. Please call a crisis line, your doctor or go to the ER.

Finx
Finx
in reply to AZ1970

I realize they will be angry and sad but I want them to remember the best of me not what I’ve become these last couple of years. I’m not convinced it’s passing permanent pain to them just a temporary loss.

hypercat54
hypercat54
in reply to Finx

A temporary loss? Are you for real? How would you have felt if one of your parents killed themselves? Would you have forgotten about it by now? Of course you wouldn't. They would never get over it and it would impact negatively on their lives forever. x

I am so sorry you are in such pain. The reality is YOU are not alone. What you are going through is very painful; yes but there is hope that you can feel better. The stigma that you speak of is not what you think it is. Millions of people suffer. The good news is there is help. What you are feeling is not your fault. We want to find all the answers: why is this happening to me? Why cant I get out of this?Well, I'll tell you one thing, you're not weak, it has nothing to do with strength. Please ask for help. There's nothing wrong in asking.

October 31, 2008. That was my suicide day. But of course I didn't go thru it. I drove to a hotel 3 hours where I lived and I was going to do something but I prayed to God first I fell asleep and when I woke up. I realized it was a terrible bad day. I have had bad days since then but overall the good days have been more, im glad I fell asleep that night. So don't give up.

Finx
Finx
in reply to Sunandrose87

Can I ask if you shared this with anyone in your life or just kept it to yourself? I have people in my life who care but they can’t help because I can’t help me either. I feel like I’m just wasting their time. The idea of going far away is exactly what I’m thinking. This way my family will never have to return to that location.

Sunandrose87
Sunandrose87
in reply to Finx

I never shared it. I'm worried about the pain it will cause. It's seems like you have a lovely family. Please don't do this. Call the suicide hotline

Hi the right decision is not to do it! At least not until you have given your therapy time to start helping. You only started this a few days ago from your last post and it will take some time. It took time for you to end up in this state after all. Are you on any meds? Try everything you can before you think about such a final solution. You owe that to yourself and those who love you.

It sounds to me you are taking on far too much when you are feeling so rubbish so cancel your out of town plans and talk to your wife. You haven't got to tell her the whole thing if you don't want to but you are ill so take it easy. Why not put off the plan and tell yourself you will think about it in a weeks/months time.

As for your children they would never get over your suicide and you would be leaving them with a legacy of life long pain. They will think they were to blame and feel guilty for the rest of their lives.

My advice is go and see your doctor and tell her/him how you are feeling. It would be very unlikely these days that you would end up in hospital unless you were in immediate danger or a danger to those around you.

Things will pick up one day so have faith. Big hugs. xx

Don’t do it!!! See your doctor, try new meds, see a therapist, do something to stay alive.

I am a middle school teacher (going on 27 years), and throughout all of those years, I have taught quite a few students whose parents committed suicide. They NEVER get over it. Never!!! Do not do this to them.

Hidden
Hidden

Please don’t do this.

My dad attempted suicide and thank god he survived. I don’t know how I would get through my life without him.

This isn’t the way my friend 🖤

Hello Finx,

I will be praying hard for you, my friend. Three years ago, this month I was where you are right now. I was in so much physical pain (and had been for two and a half years) that I wanted nothing more than to end it all. Of course, I was not thinking about my wife and four children who really are wonderful. I wasn’t thinking of everything that God had blessed me with over the past 42 years. All I wanted to do was swallow every opioid that I had accumulated and go to sleep for good. Funny thing…tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 45. If I would not have told my wife about my plan and gone to the hospital, I would not have had a 43 or 44, or 45. In my darkness and pain, my wife had me pause and write down 100 ways in which God had blessed me. Though it started out slow, it quickly exceeded 100. Though I went to the hospital for a week after telling my wife, it was one of the best decisions that I ever made. Working with the physicians, I was diagnosed with severe depression and provided the appropriate medication. When I was discharged, I was a new man! I have not contemplated suicide again.

You are at an extremely important crossroads and the decision that you make is going to affect a lot of people. I pray that you know just how important you are to the Creator of the Universe and to many others. Please know that I will be praying for you.

In Christs Love,

Kevin

Finx
Finx
in reply to kevinloveslen

Kevin - my plan is in motion. I’ve picked a hotel an hour away that I will drive to tomorrow. I’ve packed all my pills. We went out to a lovely family dinner tonight where everyone was smiles. That’s how I want them to remember me. I don’t see a way out.

I guess my question for you is what happened after the one week in the hospital. Did you go back to work. Same routine. Because I have no way to break this cycle. Pray for me.

AZ1970
AZ1970
in reply to Finx

Finx,

Please don't follow through with this. Your family needs you. This can get better. With the help of your doctor and your family, you can come up with a solution. Give your doctor a chance to help. Let someone know in person what you have planned. Allow them to help you. Go to the ER. Your life is too precious to do this. Don't give your children this kind of trauma. They will never be the same.

Finx
Finx
in reply to AZ1970

I am right on the fence and appreciate your support. I am praying for guidance to make the right choice.

AZ1970
AZ1970
in reply to Finx

I am praying for you. I know I’m not the only one praying.

Finx, good to hear from you. You never responded to my PM the other day and I was really starting to wonder. I will message you again because I feel more comfortable that way. Obviously this isn’t exactly many people’s favorite subject, and I am rather sensitive about it myself.

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