Codependency and Its Chains

[Lindsay478]

Anxiety and obsessive thoughts have been a part of my life since early adolescence. They started to increase to panic attacks and agoraphobia during and after an 8-year relationship with my ex in my 20's. I reached a point where I was at risk of losing my job for fear of leaving my house and suffering panic attacks that led me to feel so completely out of control of my own body and mind.

Therapy and many more years of steady progression have led me to a place where I can look back, not completely out of danger, but within reaching grasp to full recovery. Mind you, it's been at least 9 years since the peak of my disorders.

Now, my therapy has brought to light a major component to my anxiety: codependency. I see things in an entirely different way and a new struggle has made its way in. I less often fall prey to knee-jerk, anxious, reactionary behavior, however I do continuously have to defend myself and my intention for self-care on a regular basis. Relationships that were once seemingly the core of my identity have had to dissipate because they are not salvageable with the changes I am making. Sometimes it is impossible to believe that I could have seen this coming, that my best friend is no longer my "best" friend. That my grandmother is not perfect. That it is not my job to rescue other full-grown adults.

For me to struggle with a mental health disorder (or three) and yet have to continuously face my fears directly in order to enforce my new standards to others around me is uncomfortable, to say the least. Saying "no" to someone else's needs or "yes" to my own needs is foreign and HARD. The training I have had my entire life has not been for this.

All I can say is that the right therapist was the way out, for me. Medication provided support along the way. Speaking out about my disorders to those I trust saved me numerous times from feeling alone and continuously afraid.

I still have lows. I still have days where my obsessive thoughts come back and I am cleaning for hours. I ruminate over "rules" broken. I relive situations in which I wish I could serve the deserved justice and feel no relief to know that they'll forever get "away" with what they have done.

I still have lows. I still have days where I do not leave the house because it is too taxing on me. My energy is drained so low from just thinking that I can barely keep my eyes open. I cancel plans, I miss class, I skip work all to spare myself yet another panic attack.

I still have lows. I still have days that make me want to run right back into the arms of the codependency that embraced me for so long.

But I forgive myself those days. I conquer those days. I have my highs, too. I maximize on any moment where I have done BETTER. Better than 10 years ago. Better than last year. Better than yesterday. Better than 10 minutes ago.

[Feathe]

I think you 're very brave that you have managed to face it and improve. Keep focusing on the progress that you make. You give me hope that I can improve my social anxiety as well. I cannot connect to people as I feel worthless

[Lindsay478 in reply to Feathe]

One of the first things I learned was to not say "I cannot" to anything, even if it literally feels that way. Most of the times the things we say we "cannot" do are well within our control. More likely, the sentence goes, "I am scared to connect to people because I feel worthless". When you put it that way, you realize that there's only one thing to do about that: face the fear! (Sounds easier said than done, I know.)

To be sure, you are far from worthless. Even if you do not connect with anyone, that does not devalue you. However, those that have the most to offer sometimes feel the way you do and therefore miss out on the opportunities to be brave that are presented to you every day.

So say to yourself, "I am afraid to connect with others because if I do ____________________". (Fill in the blank). Then say, "If that happens, then I will ___________________". Follow the path of your fear and see where it takes you. These are the deepest of confessions that should come out in therapy. Once you realize what drives your fear, what causes you to feel worthless, you can begin down the path of changing your inner dialogue.

"I will work on connecting with others despite my fears because I know I am worth it." You can get there!

Thank you for your comment!

[Feathe in reply to Lindsay478]

Thanks. I find filling in the blanks very interesting. Although I m not sure about the answe rs, I will work on them

[Jeff1943]

Anxiety is very, very simple. Nothing complex about anxiety. Everyone can cope with a certain amount of it, that's normal. But when the problems we face become overwhelming we experience anxiety overload.

So what are these problems that eventually tip us over the edge into general anxiety disorder including panic attacks, health anxiety, social anxiety, agoraphobia, derealisation and intrusive thoughts?

The usual suspects are stress, overwork, worry, disappointment, toxic relationships, loss, grief and guilt to name but few. Eventually a point is reached when our nervous system can take no more. It becomes super-sensitive and in this state it starts to play tricks on us.

Every small task or problem normally easily overcome appears ten-fold more daunting. Minor aches are blown up to become deadly tumours. Suddenly, we don't want to leave the perceived 'safety' of our home. Palpitations and missed heartbeats, common symptoms of anxiety, convince us we're about to have a heart attack.

We don't understand it all, we're bewildered, we fear the worst case scenario and our nerves start to 'short circuit' causing panic attacks.

Everybody can recover from anxiety disorder (and the depletion or depression that often accompanies anxiety) no matter how long or how deeply they have suffered.

First we have to recognise that anxiety has its limitations. On its own it cannot kill you, it cannot disable you and it cannot send you crazy. Although it is very good at imitating real physical illness the symptoms of anxiety are fake.

Those chest pains are muscular tension not heart failure. That churning stomach is pure nerves not cancer. The fear of leaving your home is unnecessary: no dinosaurs are waiting to gobble you up the minute you step outside.

Anxiety is just one big phoney and we should stop giving it the attention that we do. All we have to do is stop fighting the bad thoughts and feelings: fighting means more stress and tension. Instead, accept it for the time being. Accept those annoying symptoms for the moment.

Don't respond to the flash of first fear with second fear. Stop stressing and obsessing and engaging in introspection. The symptoms of anxiety will all yield once you stop re-sensitising your nervous system with fear.

You cannot both fear something and truly accept it.

Choose Acceptance.

[Lindsay478 in reply to Jeff1943]

You have a solid point, Jeff. When I get a headache, I don't ruminate over it. I don't wonder how and why this is happening to me, and I certainly don't let it run my entire day. I accept it as a fact of life, a fact of dehydration, a fact of stress, a fact of bad lighting in my office. I do what it takes to try to ease the symptoms and if I am unsuccessful, I just know that I have a headache right now and it will go away.

Anxiety is trickier than a headache though, you are also right about that. The threat it brings is far worse than a pulsing temple. Still, the elements of its existence are so much the same. It came from somewhere and it will go back to somewhere and it does not make me who I am. Even if I had headaches every single day, that is not a part of my identity. Why make anxiety such then?

I like your perspective. However, I choose Dominance. I will do more than accept my anxiety, I will learn to control it. I will use it to my advantage. I will have more of an understanding of it than it does of me.

[Jeff1943 in reply to Lindsay478]

It sounds as if you are a long way towards controlling your anxiety. But we control it by accepting it for the time being. Our response to it must be passive, no fighting or struggling. Our response is masterly inactivity. We cease to attach to it the importance we did in the past.

I am referring of course to the method devised over 50 years ago by Claire Weekes. She was a psychiatrist who suffered from anxiety disorder herself and recovered from it by a method based on acceptance for the moment. She spent the rest of her life advocating her Acceptance method through consultations, lectures and a rich legacy of self help books.

Her first "Hope and help for your nerves" has helped tens of thousands to find respite and recovery and it is now in its 44th. edition. It has withstood the test of time and is available new or used from Amazon.

Most people who read it say the same: "As I read it I felt she knew me".

If you ever find your advance to controlling your anxiety stalls you could do a lot worst than take a look at that book.

I wish you God's speed in your recovery.

[jkl5500 in reply to Lindsay478]

You have come a long way in learning to confront and resolve these problems. But I agree with Jeff when it comes to the part about anxiety. Our first reaction is to fight back against any threat, including anxiety. But in this case, fighting back only makes the anxiety stronger, and you weaker. The answer is to recognize what anxiety really is - a false brain message that is not connected to anything real. Instead of fighting the anxious thought or feeling, just mentally "step around" it and go about your business. The anxiety will eventually pass, and you will retrain your brain to ignore these painful but false messages. You will truly control anxiety when it no longer controls you.

[Lindsay478 in reply to jkl5500]

Thank you and great comment!

Personally, I can see this method being very useful when the generalized, daily anxiety is at hand. I can also see how "stepping around" anxiety would be very difficult when it is full-blown panic attacks, phobias, and obsessive thoughts. Speaking from experience, there are times when I simply am not able to function at an adult level in terms of going about my business. I still agree that fighting it or resisting the struggle of those moments is not the solution, yet it is wise to take the time we need to recover.

What usually got to me in the past was when people would say to just "think positively" or "stop worrying" - similar to someone reminding me that the thoughts I'm having are not real threats. That is true, for this moment - but it is untrue for what brought those fears around in the first place. Trauma was a real threat, I was hurt, things did happen that were real, and that trained my brain to believe that these repeat threats are worth looking out for (ever diligently) now, even when it's not appropriate.

My post was meant to emphasize the transformation I made that included cognitive therapy and 9 years of self-reflection. This is not efforts made to fight away anxiety, it is an effort to repair what is broken and mend it to a position where my state of mind can revert to focusing on the here and now.

Thank you for your feedback.

[Hidden]

Thank you for sharing.

A lot of this resonates with me xxx

[Sabio77]

Hi lindsay478, I am sorry that you are going thru this roller coaster ride of emotion. I totally understand it. you are not alone. I do want to tell you that I am proud of you for your perseverance and trying to focus on positivity. May I suggest a few ways to help with the anxiety? Try chewing gum - silly but true, drink water, get fresh air, listen to uplifting music, do lite stretches, all these have helped me with mine. I will keep you in my prayers. hugs to you my friend.

[Tikirob]

Yes! So good to read this right now!

[Journey2Wholeness]

Hi Lindsay,

Thanks for sharing your heart. I totally understand you. And can relate as well. I've struggled with anxiety and agoraphobia pretty much all my life: twenty-some years. But just like you, I continue to press on, having hope to someday be set free while counting the blessings and wins--one day at a time.