Old memories

[Kevin160]

I just read some of my journals of this whole year, i have been writing journals from time to time starting with 2016, but when my anxiety disorder started it became daily with too much details, on december 29th 2018 i had my first panic attack that triggered a road filled with suffering for the upcoming months where i hit rock bottom all the way till perhaps april where i started to feel a bit of hope , just readin those journals of every day details made me relive them, i forgot about some events of last year, i forgot the severity of my panic attacks, and i feel like i just got a taste of the constant heart palpitations and panic i used to feel , in addition to the scary thoughts, sleepless nighs its all circling in my mind .. i know i made alot of work and i did find a way out , im much better and im so thankful, but reading those journals from just the month of january alone which was the worst month due to me not knowing anything about anxiety yet and the obsessive tendancies ocd about my blood oressure , i had written in that journal all my bp numbers i would measure it countless times in one hour it would never leave my side , and some if these memories sort if faded until now , such as the time it was snowing and my bp sky rocketed i actually was convinced im dying , or the time i had an anxiety attack that lasted a whole week and i started feeling hopeless , and i just cant comprehend how it all rushed to me like it was yesterday while a minute ago i could barely remember them

Everything feels so odd, in some way im feeling proud for now being so much better mentally than i would consider myself pre anxiety , but also im feeling like i will always be involved with this phase in my life without really escaping for good , and the main fear which i had all these months of what will the anxiety do to me eventually heakt wise is the trigger

[Hidden]

Hi.. i bet you feel as if you fought in a battle all them years ago .. when you first experienced Anxiety and Panic .. that’s how i feel when i look back.

It’s very frightening when you look back .. mine began in about 1992. I knew nothing about Anxiety or Panic Attacks .. i felt it more frightening battling for help from professionals and family. Mine was diagnosed then as PTSD.

So happy it is more acknowledged now .. and there is support out there ... i wish there had been when my anxiety began .. i crawled along on my hands and knees, it feels to get better, with self help books. It was hard work ... I thought id lost my mind.

Thinking back to it now frightens me a little .. but we can never go back to the severity of when it all started.. because i know i hit rock bottom then .. and the only way then is up from it gaining strength, knowledge and coping strategies learnt on the way up.

The hardest part then was hiding it .. pretending i was ok .. but really i was very poorly with acute anxiety panic attacks that felt like at that time lasted weeks ! A very scary place to be and a very lonely one.

I’m still here though plodding on.. still with anxiety lingering every day .. but i try to either talk, read about it or try to to put things into prospective !

Anxiety is very very common now. however i felt at that time all them years ago that i was the only one that suffered with it in the world ! there was no support .. nobody understood ... i was judged, worried about .. told to pull myself together, told by my then husband he would not crawl in that black hole with me .. to get a grip basically ... i was told by my GP then i did not need Counselling ... what a frightening vile time that was for me ! poor me !

don’t know where the above came from, just flowed out of my mind when i saw your post lol

all the very best to you

[Kevin160 in reply to Hidden]

Thank. You so much , i totally relate to this because i suffered from anxiety and panic attacks that would last days , the moment i wake up tilli go to bed my heart would start hurting from all the heavy beating and from all the palpitations due to my irrational feels that i couldnt control , im feeling bits of it now because its like i opened a gate i can't close, i knew what happened to me in the beginning of the year but i didn't really sense it until i saw my Journals yesterday and it all rushed back and i have been anxious for the past 12 hours worrying its gonna come back, i have gotten better and more knowledgeable so i know its not going to happen ..i guess i have to cope and use all the tools i used back then to get better

Im glad you fought through even when you didnt receive the help you deserved and thank you for all the support 💕

[newbie1956]

Hi Kevin, i truly can relate to much of what you've described.

For many years (i've told you just a little about my experiences)

You can be proud of yourself. Reading & reliving old memories can

help you see that none of the anxiety or panic attacks of the past

has been able to stop you from growing as a person.

You have reached out & even inspired others, like me, to think along

those lines. We're still here !!!

It was scary, our worse nightmare but we survived it. We felt weak

but God helped us and He was strong for us. Do we feel his help?

Not always, but in the end it's Him who dries our tears. He may use

another human, a mere vessel, but it's God who cares after all.

He has provided a Book of loving instruction. We need to get familiar

with the "pearls" of wisdom. He knows what we need to be happy.

Take courage in knowing that He is patient and kind with us.

Kevin, I've been thinking about you. So glad to see you here tonight.

[Kevin160 in reply to newbie1956]

Im so happy to see your comment, it made me realize that my memories arent just there to remind me of my weakness but to remind me that i did overcome them and made progress , thank you so so much for these lovely words , they really calmed me down ♥️♥️

[Kevin160 in reply to newbie1956]

God definitely helps us overcome things we never thought we can and im sure that overtime i Will better be able to cope , again thanks for all the support

[newbie1956 in reply to Kevin160]

Hi again, Kevin,

You'll be able to cope with whatever comes in the future with our awesome "FRIEND" at your side.

Experience has shown me that nothing is as frightening as our fears.

Certainly we have a very powerful Friend who calms our mind & heart.

We also have an Enemy who tries to damage our friendship with God.

Knowledge from the bible has taught me that this enemy exists. And

that same knowledge protects me from falling victim to his influence.

There's an interesting lesson about Jesus at a time when he was weak after fasting. At Matthew 4:11 it shows that Satan left after Jesus firmly rejected three temptations. We're not required to fast, thank goodness but like Jesus, we oppose our enemy & refuse to comply with him.

Understanding God's love for us is the Key. It opens a door to many rich blessings.

Hugs 'n prayers go out to you, dear Kevin.

[Kevin160 in reply to newbie1956]

Thats wonderful to hear , i appreciate this so much , thankful for all the help wheather its with wonderful stories or experiences etc.. ❤️❤️

I definitely agree with all this and which is why i try ti build my beliefs on , the friends and enemies in our lives especially

[newbie1956 in reply to Kevin160]

Kevin,

You are very wise.

I'm impressed each time you respond to things others scoff at.

Cling to what's right & you'll always reap rewards.

Agape

[Sunnidayz1]

Hi Kevin. We havent chatted in awhile. Ok sooo...I think you are overthinking.

Sometimes we dont need to analyze every single aspect of every single thing. When we overthink the worries set in.

[Kevin160 in reply to Sunnidayz1]

Yeah ofcourse im overthinking its pretty much a sure thing with anxiety, but it definitely comes with good reason when you suffer for so long , you know that the small details bother you and its harder for you than others to lead a nirmak stress free life, somits hard for me not to think of the things that will cause ir trigger anxiety, but im working through it, but I appreciate your feedback thanks so much ❤️❤️

[Sunnidayz1 in reply to Kevin160]

And I understand you know that to be true. Make it a habit just to say "Stop it. Stop overanalyzing" everytime that part of you wants to speak. Worrying never got anyone anywhere. I think it's about control. If we feel that we have control over things we feel empowered and we feel we could also protect ourselves. You've grown accustom to it that your brain is on autopilot. Stop your brain. The truth is us worriers need to accept "it is what it is" and accept the fact that we have no control over situations & we might not have all the answers and that is OK.