I have been struggling my entire life with codependent behaviors, as far back as I can remember I have been living for the approval of those around me. I don't know how to live my life for me and it's incredibly deflating. I am just now realizing the way that my brain has been wired to operate and I am trying to change for myself and those around me. I am joining a support group for codependency.
Does anyone else struggle with codependency? How did you begin to heal? How did you find yourself?
Good morning
You are still very young and the most important issue is to recognise the problem which is Co - dependency and people pleading .
Being dependent on the approval of others can act as a boost for our ego and self esteem if we are accepted and validated .
However , in my own experience with extended family and friends seeking the approval of others and external validation is conditional upon the opinion of others and this may be fleeting at times .
There are times when this approval or validation is not forthcoming and this can harm our self esteem and our ego .
The issue is when we are not validated or approved of , how do we move on from this .
The rejection of others does not define me .
I am in mid fifties seeking to fulfil a life long ambition however , I could retire tomorrow as I have previously worked and I am self employed.
I apply and it becomes incredibly disheartening to keep going , but valudation comes from within and to have self belief and self confidence to know we are not dependent on the opinion of others but to validate ourselves .
Both Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston both said the greatest love is the love we have for ourselves .
This is our own self validation which does not need the continuous approval of others.
It has taken me many , many years to see we are enough as we are and to have self acceptance and take pride in ourselves .
It is what we think of ourselves first and foremost and I wish I had known this many years ago .
It does not what skin colour we are , what size we are or how attractive we are.
We are enough and to have self acceptance of this .To be at peace with our spirit .
It is our spirit and character which defines us .
It is how we treat ourselves and the self respect we have for ourselves and this will nuture self confidence.
I'm glad to have come across this this morning. Thanks for this Roukaya
OMG thank you for this reply. I was looking for a codependency forum on Hu and they don't have one. But a handful of posts popped up on a&d, this being one.
Have you read the Melody Beattie book, Codependent No More? I put a link to a 58 page excerpt in my reply to scarletpanda. I started reading it yesterday. I've been "enlightened" by this dynamic and have been buried in codependency research and talk therapy for the first time during the past month about my family and childhood history.
It's the piece of the puzzle I've been missing in order to finally move forward psychologically.
Please, I would love to discuss this topic further with anyone that would be brave and humble enough to share their thoughts. My shame and guilt have hidden this deeply in my subconscious. My Inner Child is still wildly over protective as I'm trying to understand the "what how WHY" this unhealthy dynamic overtook my life without me realizing it.
books.google.com/books/abou...
Hello 👋 🐼🤗
I've recently "discovered" that I, too, am wildly codependent in my 30+ year marriage. It's driven both of us to hurt each other in inadvertent ways.
I just started reading this book yesterday, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
I'm only 36 pages into it, yet It's validated EVERY SINGLE behavior and insecurity and doubt and question about whether I was going crazy during the past decade.
For me, this is THE game changer I've NEEDED to get myself moving forward psychologically.
The link above is a 58 page excerpt from the beginning of the book. Please read it.... you will not be disappointed.
I'd love to converse about this in the future as Hu doesn't have a codependent forum. I found your post in a&d....thank you for bringing this topic to the table. It's humble and brave of you for recognizing and addressing this at your age.
I'm 50 and I should have been working on this 30 years ago.
Hi LifeIsThePitts
This is what I'm working on atm and not doing a very good job of it...sigh! It's such ingrained behaviour. I always knew my sister was enmeshed and codependent on our narc mother but it never occurred to me that I was but in a different way!
I learnt about this from Avaiya University who do regular free interviews with a whole load of therapists who specialise in this. I have just been watching one of their conferences, over now but they come round quite often. There are also many articles on the Avaiya page and a fb support group. I don't do this. I've followed up many of the therapists especially Ingrid Clayton.
Pete Walker coined the term Fawning as the 4th trauma response after fight flight freeze. This was about 10 years ago I believe. Others are now carrying his ideas forward.
There's a pinned post on HealmyPTSD if you're interested. It takes the sting out of the idea of people pleasing to view it as a trauma response.
I haven't read the Melodie book but have heard about it. It sounds good and one to add to my long list! Thanks for bringing it to my attention!
Thank you so much for responding! I wasn't really expecting anything from a 2 year old post.
I'm just wrapping my head around the depths of where this "disease" took root.... it's MUCH deeper and earlier in my life than I ever imagined. And long before I met my husband of 30 years.
We're both undiagnosed codependents, and he's not ready to face his role in the dynamic.
This is the piece of the puzzle I needed to fit everything psychological into the big picture that is my mental history.
It's like dark matter in science...I didn't see it coming and blamed my inability to be an adult on depression, anxiety, ADHD, unresolved childhood sexual abuse, traumas, insecure attachment style... until codependency hit me in the face and brought everything together in a psychological package 📦 that finally made sense.
It's been only 4.5 weeks since this discovery and I'm finding the courage to ask for help. What online support group are you in?
Hi yes it's not spoken about much is it - perhaps mostly in relation to addiction like drugs or alcohol.
That's interesting......I've never thought of codependency, or at least what I experience, as a "disease". From my reading of complex ptsd I view this as all part of relational trauma or psychological injury. I read Pete Walker "Surviving to thriving.." and recognised myself immediately as a freeze/ fawn type in my response to trauma. Its only recently since I retired that I've started doing therapy and my therapist reminds me that codependency or fawning is a survival coping mechanism.
I'm starting to make sense of my "stupid mistakes" which I've blamed myself for for years...putting others first to the huge detriment of myself.
I'm accepting now that given my upbringing this was inevitable- how this pattern played out over & over eventually bringing me much unhappiness at times in relationships.
I'm pleased you are piecing the puzzle together and are finding the missing piece! I guess this was where I started from, my starting point, from reading Pete Walker and everything else has slotted in from there for me!
Avaiya.com and their free masterclasses and articles have been my go to. I get their emails. I'm sorry I thought they had a support group on FB but couldn't find it when I checked just now (??)
I'm not on any support group however I find their information helpful. I hope you find something to suit you.
In therapy I'm trying to note my automatic responses which is often difficul! I read the other day that others take what we give. I need to be more circumspect what I give however alien this "feels"! It's my responsibility!
Nice to talk.
Did you check out the book link? In the Beattie book, she describes codependency as a sickness that once it begins, it's not going away unless you can diagnose that it's REAL and take conscious action of your behaviors. If not, it's going to sabotage every relationship in terrible ways until you do.
Denial is a huge component, and I have that in spades.
Awareness is crucial and it's very humbling to realize that we're as responsible for these shitty relationship outcomes than the person we're trying to save, including Ourselves.
Me too... this was an inevitability. There was no other psychological option for me to develop because of my upbringing. I didn't blame my parents or my abuser...I blamed myself and my husband and every other diagnosis I've received over the years.
Ownership of responsibility.
The mental shift is almost imperceptible... but has moved mountains. I've been grasping at everything outside me to fix me. Therapy...I thought it was the therapists job to tell me what to do and how to do it. Meds... NEVER worked and I'm off every pharmaceutical since '18. TMS treatment is a huge component of my treatment regimen... but I feel that it's not going to be necessary at the same rate I've had to get sessions due to empowering myself.
Everything is changing... like emotional and psychological flood gates have opened.
I am practicing strength And healing
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