How to love oneself

[Sober2007]

Hello everyone! It seems like from things I've read that part of recovery is learning how to love oneself. How do you do that? I struggle with beating myself up inside and am full of regrets. How do I move past this?

[JAYnLA]

I don't have 'the big answer' for this question, but I do know that being of service to others is a step in the right direction.

[Sober2007 in reply to JAYnLA]

Thank you for reminding me of that Jay. Good to hear from you

[Hidden]

What I have done is forgive myself for all the bad decisions I made because of trauma and abuse. Forgive myself for not being the best wife and mom. That was years ago. Now I try to be the best I can and worry about my own actions, not everyone around me since I can't control them. I don't let anyone else affect my mood. I let the little things go and try not to worry about the big stuff either because it gets overwhelming and I can only handle one thing at a time. So I deal with what I can and realize some things I have no control over certain things in my life and that's OK.

[Sober2007 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Melhall, that is helpful. I hope I can learn to forgive myself for all the bad decisions. I think I'm sort of stuck there at the moment.

[Hidden in reply to Sober2007]

You will get there. Good luck.

[Sober2007 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for the encouragement - have a great day

[BeansWife]

Like Melhall, I am learning that it is helpful to forgive myself for all those times I did not take action with my best interest in mind, and also for not trusting me to take care of me/love me in moments when it really matters. I find it helpful to do this before I affirm and soothe myself. All the while I take deep breaths and try to listen to my body about what speed to take things at, I am learning to slow down.

[Sober2007]

Awesome. Is affirming and soothing yourself kind of like saying positive things to recognize when you do something well? Do you say them out loud? I've been trying to write things down to remind myself that I'm worthy of love and forgiveness. I just haven't noticed much of a change yet in the negative voice in my head at times.

[hypercat54]

Hi I would try and accept that you did the best you could at the time. Even if your best is rubbish, best is best and no one, least of all yourself can expect more from you than that. If you live in the past you live with regret, the future and you live with worry. Trying to live in the present is good as you then live with balance. x

[Sober2007 in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks hypercat. That makes sense.

[hypercat54]

What also I find helpful is to allow myself to feel all the negative emotions but only for a limited time, say 5 or 10 minutes. I call it my pity party. Then get up and do something and turn your attention elsewhere. x

[Starrlight in reply to hypercat54]

Nice Hypercat I’m just getting all kinds of helpful tips today.

[Sober2007]

That sounds like a good idea. I can give that a try.

[Pugglesworth]

Hi Sober.

Developing love for oneself and others takes time, but it is a trainable skill. It helps me to have pictures of myself when I was a kid. I have some on my phone, on my desk and they are in my memory. I look at these and they help me remember someone I deeply care about: someone I was before all the 'muck' of life got involved. It helps develop compassion for who I am now. I have pictures of my wife when she was a kid, my mother and father when they were children and, of course, my own kid. Those help me develop compassion for my family.

[Sober2007 in reply to Pugglesworth]

What a great idea. I will definitely do that. Thank you ronbo42!

[asanders1203]

I struggle with this too I been beating myself up for so long to not do it seems so hard . But now I’m just trying to get to really know myself and use positive affirmations daily.

[Sober2007]

I guess it is a challenge for us to change how we think and feel about ourselves, but at least we are working on it. Thanks for the reply and I wish you the best

[Starrlight]

It might sound funny but hugging yourself could be part of it.

[Sober2007 in reply to Starrlight]

I'm not sure I've ever done that. I don't remember it if I did. I will try.

[2017runner]

When I have the negative thoughts I try and wish myself to be safe, happy and healthy and then send it out to others too. That can help. Sending love x

[Sober2007 in reply to 2017runner]

Thank you for the suggestion